I saw her in another bar later with a guy. She didn’t see me.

[Anonym2806]

Hi guys,

Thursday I saw her after 3 weeks and many fights. She said she missed me and we kissed each other.
She had to leave after 45 min because she was tired.
Unfortunately for her, I saw her in another bar later with a guy. She didn’t see me.
The day after, I told her I was in the bar. Then she sent me a message : Last night out for us. Then she deleted before I open the message (I saw it on my screen before she deleted it).
She spoke with a friend of mine outside the bar (she doesn’t know her).
So, when I said I was there, she deleted the message and then asked me how was it.
I said good and I said “btw, my friend found you elegant and liked your jacket”.
She started to accuse me having imagination and she didn’t speak to anyone in the parking (the one where I left her after our drink) and why I’m doing this to her.
I said I’m doing nothing. and then, maybe my imagination saw her in that bar.
She said she wants to understand what’s happen to me. Like I’m the crazy one.
Then, I proposed her to meet in a neutral place to have a discussion. She answered not feeling safe with me :/
Finally she accepted.
But today, she sent a message  like I’m crazy and she doesn’t want to see me and going through this. And I need help. Well,
I’m not lost, I’m not surprised, I just want to
understand how to help her.
Many times, she tried to talk to me, she wanted but then, she stopped.
I answered to the last message with à I’m totally surprised but it’s ok I understand. Take care.

How to cope with this behavior. She lies. She’s been caught and she doesn’t want to face to this discussion.
Can someone help me please ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

heres the thing...

How to cope with this behavior. She lies. She’s been caught and she doesn’t want to face to this discussion.

the two of you arent officially together right now.

on top of that, theres a history, and most recently, it includes a lot of fighting and hurt feelings.

so you see her with another guy and confront her. from your perspective, shes being disloyal and lying to you. from her perspective, shes just living her life and doesnt owe anyone any explanations.

yet, even when broken up, the two of you are still fighting as if you were a couple. this is a huge disincentive to get back together.

to resolve this, you cant treat the conflict the way you would if you were together. its pushing her away.

[Anonym2806]

Hi Once,

You're right because I broke up with her 1 month ago.
But she came back.
Well, she admitted as well having a personality disorder.
I didn't say anything about the guy. I just told her that I was in the bar, and my friend found her elegant.
She became crazy and saying that I putting my fantasy and bad imagination on her. I don't drink so I know what I've seen.
And I said nothing about the guy.
Then I tried to meet her to talk about that because she wanted to understand and then she canceled and said I need to get help.
She's been disloyal and lying to me because she said going back home while we supposed to have dinner. She canceled at the bar after 30 min saying she has to go back because of the jetlag.
I'm not in couple with her, I don't want like this as I told her.
Well, I don't know what to say more.
Only yesterday I sent a message to say that I understand her feelings and I didn't want to cause any stress to her. That I will check with someone if I really need help or not. And as she asked me help many times, my door is still open.
That's it.

[once removed]

sorry Anonym2806, i completely misread your post.

certainly none of this puts her in a good light.

what do you plan to do next, if anything?

[Anonym2806]

sorry Anonym2806, i completely misread your post.

certainly none of this puts her in a good light.

what do you plan to do next, if anything?

Not really. I think it's over. She's back to the cocaine and her bad behaviors. My friend who dates a person with BPD as well says she will come back.
If she comes back, I don't know what to do.
What do you think?
Thank you.

[Anonym2806]

I became crazy yesterday. I was in the bar and sent her a picture of the place where she was seated. Just to provoke her!
I said I don't understand why she lies to me like this if I saw her and why she gaslights me.
She said I'm sick and crazy (definitely yes by starting a rs with her) and she will have security because I scare her (It's always like this, like never feel safe and talking about her safety).
I said I didn't treat her at all and I will not approach her.
I said I cannot be  in rs with someone who takes cocaine and PLEASE READs with other guy when I'm not there. And that, that's why I broke up with her because she spent the week-end with a guy the day after seeing me.
Now I can say I'm becoming crazy. I'm loosing my sanity. I'm a kind and quiet person in life and everyone know me like that.
These people don't respect anything. They don't feel any love. They are selfish and PLEASE READed up.
I'm sorry but this is the only place I can share my thought.
I erase everything from her. Number, messages, pictures. Everything.

[once removed]

no apologies necessary, Anonym. i know how hard this is.

the first step in reversing a breakup is looking at the things we are doing that are contributing to it, and stopping them.

it sounds like youre at your wits end, fighting fire with fire. its understandable.

it wont help you save the relationship. is that still your goal, at this point?

[Anonym2806]

no apologies necessary, Anonym. i know how hard this is.

the first step in reversing a breakup is looking at the things we are doing that are contributing to it, and stopping them.

it sounds like youre at your wits end, fighting fire with fire. its understandable.

it wont help you save the relationship. is that still your goal, at this point?

Hi Once,

Thank you for your support.
I have some days more difficult but I try to keep aligned with my decision.
I've been for no contact but the last few days, she started to check everyday my stories on IG.
Even she's not a follower anymore because I removed her.
Well, during a few days and then, I dropped her a message on whatsapp asking if she was ok because she checked my IG everyday. And I know how difficult it is for her since I decided to break up with her. And she needs to move on and find someone who can love her the way she can love. Take care.
As I expected, she didn't answer but instead, she blocked me on IG (I wasn't a follower anymore).
The thing here I don't understand her react. I expected to be blocked on whatsapp but nothing.
It's like she tries to play a game and try to make me beg for her or her fake love.
I'm not in that. I'm detached. Even it's difficult I'm good.
Just wandering sometimes if I could help her in a way or in another.

[Anonym2806]

Ok, now I have the silence treatment. I let her for a while, maybe she will come back. I said in my last message if she needs a friend I'm still here.

[Anonym2806]

Well, things are moving here.
I sent her flowers yesterday and she was so happy that she posted on instagram.
We talked barely but she tried to put the fault of me.
I didn't JADE but I only said that we hurt feelings of eachother the mast few weeks.
She accepted a lunch on Friday.
I will take that moment to reconnect only and when she will be confident again, I will talk about the issue. I don't want to go back unless she try a therapy. But I know I cannot force her or ask her.
I will just let her know that's not possible to live like this for me. Even if I still have feelings for her.

[once removed]

let us know how it goes.

[Anonym2806]

let us know how it goes.

Hi Once,

Not well. The day before the lunch, she sent me a message to ask me time and space to heal. I said ok. And I proposed to cancel the lunch. She said yes. Then she sent me : Take care of yourself and she blocked me on whatsapp.

It was Thursday.
Yesterday I was struggling and sent a message via imessage saying different positive things and that I love her.
She didn't blocked me on imessage and instagram.
Now I suppose I have to let it go. I'm still lost about her reacts.

[once removed]

shes being wishy washy, and reacting strongly.

its hard to connect with someone who is in that place.

[Anonym2806]

shes being wishy washy, and reacting strongly.

its hard to connect with someone who is in that place.

Yes it is.
I talked to my therapist yesterday about what she dropped me in the last messages as well. The patter of codependency. He said codependency is one f the symptom of BP.
And as she said, it's not BP but an attachment style. She tried to return the situation by not admitting she has it (She told me once when we were drunk having the BP) and then she retrcated herself.
So annoying.

[Anonym2806]

Well, very difficult for me. I sent today a message to ask her how is she and hope everything is fine, the only thing I got is the silent treatment.
I hate that.
She's bitchy and she knows that.
I'm upset.

[Anonym2806]

Someone can give me an advise?
Last time she texted me before blocking me, she said she can't and she won't to be in anything right now.
I suppose now it's over.
I texted her 3 messaged on imessage and she read all of them but still no answer.
Don't know what to do.

[Foolish man]

Hi
I would leave it for a while. Although I am sure it is difficult for you and you have so much to say. I’m not sure you will get the answers you really want.
If you wait, do your own thing. Start making life a bit more about you and less about waiting for her response then you may feel a bit more positive. And also will give you time to reflect.
From my experience the more you push, the less positive response you get. You wait, she will be in contact if she wants to.
Easier said than done but worth a try

[once removed]

solid advice from Foolish man

there just arent a lot of good options when you want to talk to someone, but they wont respond to you.

you can send light messages; they dont necessarily increase your chances of a response, it may be counterproductive, and it just makes you feel worse.

i especially agree that its not about just waiting for her to respond. youll never know how long that will be.

it is upsetting. its draining. its tragic. the only real "antidote" is building up your life to where the lows of all of this feel less significant in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonym2806]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your advises.
I know I can’t do anything else now. Last year it took 3 months for her to come back with a few messages and 6 months more to decide to see me again.
I don’t want this life, even I think I love her.
I broke up 6 years ago after an8 years relationship and lived alone for almost 6 years (travelling for my business).
I don’t want her to put me
in anything bad. I’m ok.
I take care of myself, have my friends, spending time by myself as well, so I’m really ok with that and I think that’s why I took the decision to break up with her easily.
She doesn’t have the right treatment and I don’t want that in my life.

Thanks guys