Wife blaming me for her drug abuse

[RestlessWanderer]

I got home from work today a little later (<1hr) than my w expected. When I got home I had to get on my computer immediately and give a presentation for work via zoom. She had told me the night before that she might be leaving to town and would probably take our son with her since she only had one errand to run. She said might leave around one. I should have taken the opportunity to tell her that I might not make it until after 1 and that I had the presentation at 2. But I didn’t. I have been writing my work schedule on a big dry erase calendar in our living room, but it seems like she doesn’t look there.
When I got home I told her that I had to go straight to my presentation. She and our son were still in their pajamas watching TV in bed. She got upset when I told her about my presentation, which I can understand to an extent. But of course she couldn’t hold back the expletives, even in the presence of our son. About 45 minutes later, my son came over to the trailer that doubles as my home office/BPD refuge. She left shortly after.
Some time later she called me up to tell me how I screwed up her plans. She complained that I can’t even call to tell her I’m running late. I did call, she didn’t answer. Then she added that I was the reason that she was going to go get high and she hung up. Not too long after that she sent me a string of text messages telling me in code (usually saying she’s “stuffing her face” or “eating breakfast”) that she’s been getting high for a month now because of me.
I didn’t know what to say in any of these situations. I knew that nothing would change her mind and to refute her claims would invalidate her and make things worse. I know better than to accept responsibility for her relapse. It probably has more to do with her dependence on pain killers she’s been buying off the street since her accident last year, as well as her myriad mental health issues. I think she’s using me as an excuse to lie to herself and justify her actions.

Should I have said something? Would pointing out that my schedule is always on the calendar have helped? Should I apologize for work keeping me longer than SHE planned? She certainly doesn’t extend me that courtesy when she arrives later than she said she would yet when I pointed that out recently she just heard a justification for my “vindictive” tardiness.

I feel frustrated by this situation, but it’s not enough to get me feeling depressed or guilty.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Waddams]

In my history of relationships with women like this (I had 3, hardheaded I am), I never found any response to any of the situations that you describe, and I went through many many of them, that was adequate to reconcile the conflict effectively between me and said BPD woman. The reason is the BPD woman is not interested in resolving a conflict when she does this. So trying to resolve it is only met with frustration because it's impossible.

The only response that I ever found that at least worked out well for me was to set a boundary that I would not tolerate being treated like you describe. I would not tolerate being cussed at, being blamed, and I would not participate in my own manipulation any longer. I would not be a willing participant in my abuse. I set this boundary by uttering the words "f--- off" and refusing to engage with said BPD woman anymore. That usually led to more and escalated conflict, sometimes attempts to get physical, etc.

I see people on this board constantly trying to figure out how some strategy or questioning themselves on what they could have done to achieve an outcome that resolved a conflict or fight. What they are really doing is trying to figure out how to control the interactions with a BPD person and guide it to a better outcome. It's utter foolishness. When you let go of everything except your own boundaries and values you'll live by, decide to let the BPD person do whatever they want, say whatever they want, and simply decide that you yourself will avoid they do and say that doesn't line up with your values, you very quickly realize the only solution that is permanent is to not be with the BPD person.

Might be hard or a long road to get out but that's the only solution that allows you to get to a life where you can live without compromising your values or without having to tolerate constantly having your boundaries crossed and destroyed. It's the only solution that leads to being able to look in a mirror everyday and like who you see.

Married, kids or not, regardless of ages of kids, regardless of money issues, court issues, etc. - there isn't any "radical acceptance" or validation or anything else that fixes this in a way that you get to respect yourself. And all you're really accomplishing by staying is setting an example for your kids that will ensure they repeat the same mistakes as you that got you married to a BPD woman to start with. Wanna know how I know? I lived the part that parental example sets the tone for how you end up too.

[I Am Redeemed]

You are probably correct that she is using her victim perspective to justify her drug use. As a former addict whose drug of choice was prescription pain killers, I can speak from experience that that is exactly what addicts do. Rationalizing and justifying substance use is a big part of addiction- the "big book" of AA talks about this in detail (and this applies to all substances. It's the behavior of addiction, not the particular substance, that matters).

Opiate use can also numb or block any empathy, even in a person who has a large capacity for empathy when not using. I consider myself to be a very empathetic person; however, when I was in active addiction I had none whatsoever. Addicts operate from victim perspective and are wrapped up in their own pain and circumstances. There is little room for others and any guilt is then covered by more using. It's a vicious cycle.

What I hear from you in these posts is close to what Waddams said about looking for a strategy to resolve the conflicts. I hear you looking for a way to change her perspective. It's not about the details of what she says- it's not about the work schedule. It's about her overall perception of not having her needs met. The drug use is likely exacerbating this.

You cannot use logic- "the work schedule is written here, see, it says this, this, and that" to reframe her victim perspective. This is why JADE does not work- it invalidates feelings. The feelings are not based on logic- sometimes, they may be, but in many of the instances you recount, they don't seem to be. She's telling you the problem is coming from external sources- you, the work schedule, the tasks that did not get done, whatever- but the source is really internal and is reflective of her own turmoil and discomfort.