Tough Decisions

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I havent dont a lot of posting on forums, so sorry if i sound like a robot or something...

how do i stay strong and committed to my decision to separate when she has a "lucid" day?

it will be the most horrific nightmare scenario for weeks, and she will randomly have a day where she shows remorse, empathy.  This makes it so difficult for me to stay committed to my decision that this situation needs to end!

If it wasnt for my step-daughter, i would have left a long time ago.  My wife does not work, does not have any friends, and has burnt all of her family bridges.  for me to try to take my life back, i essentially have to make her homeless... and our daughter  does not want to leave the house we're in.

I have had beyond enough of the abuse.  This relationship is literally killing me, and i want to live life again

[mbca14]

I havent dont a lot of posting on forums, so sorry if i sound like a robot or something...

how do i stay strong and committed to my decision to separate when she has a "lucid" day?

it will be the most horrific nightmare scenario for weeks, and she will randomly have a day where she shows remorse, empathy.  This makes it so difficult for me to stay committed to my decision that this situation needs to end!

If it wasnt for my step-daughter, i would have left a long time ago.  My wife does not work, does not have any friends, and has burnt all of her family bridges.  for me to try to take my life back, i essentially have to make her homeless... and our daughter  does not want to leave the house we're in.

I have had beyond enough of the abuse.  This relationship is literally killing me, and i want to live life again

[kells76]

Welcome mbca14, we see you 

You sound exhausted. What a roller coaster to be on -- the downs are horrific, but the ups have you questioning your decision to get off the ride.

You're in the right place. We get it -- maybe some people would say "it's so easy, just dump her and leave" or other people would say "it's so easy, you committed to her, no matter what, so stay". But these are the HARDEST situations, and when you're "on the roller coaster" so much, it can be hard to get time to yourself to think through the nuances.

That being said, you say you are done with the abuse. It sounds like you've had a realization? Or a line was crossed? Or maybe something more gradual has unfolded?

When you feel ready, please share some more with us -- how many kids are in the home, and what are their ages? How do they seem to be doing with your wife's volatility?

In the past, did things seem "good" or "better"? Did something change suddenly? gradually? Or, looking back, was she always kind of like this?

Do you have a way to be safe from the abuse? Do the kids?

Hope these questions aren't overwhelming... we're here for you.

-kells76

[MeandThee29]

it will be the most horrific nightmare scenario for weeks, and she will randomly have a day where she shows remorse, empathy.  This makes it so difficult for me to stay committed to my decision that this situation needs to end!

She is the nightmare, not the empathetic person who occasionally shows up. My therapist told me that the majority rules. If my relationship was bad 6 1/2 days in a week and good for 1/2 a day, it was a bad relationship. An occasional good day doesn't define it.

Good people don't tear you to shreds and then kick you down the driveway. You may fight, but you fight to reestablish the relationship. It's not a no-holds barred situation. They remain committed to working things out.

[formflier]

mbca14

I'm so glad you found us!  Looking forward to walk with you through these big decisions/questions you are wrestling with.

You mentioned wanting to "live life again..".  What does that look like to you?

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

how do i stay strong and committed to my decision to separate when she has a "lucid" day?

Sometimes this is referred to as the tender cycle.

It's pretty common in abusive relationships.

What are some of the behaviors that stand out as BPD?

Maybe we can help share the specific communication and relationship skills that can help prevent things from getting worse while you consider what comes next.

Glad you reached out. These are hard relationships to deal with alone.

[mstnghu]

mbca14, I can completely relate to what you're feeling. I'm going on three months now of separation from my wife. In the beginning my resolve was strong and I was determined to break the cycle once and for all and be done with the relationship.

As time has gone on, it's become more and more difficult for me to hold that position. I still go over to the house a few times a week because we have a 9 year old son and a dog together.

My wife is trying very hard to convince me that she's changed and things will be completely different if I move back home. She's even been seeing a therapist and in all honesty she's been having a lot of moments of self awareness with me recently. She's admitted to many of her bad treatments of me over the years and has apologized for them. She seems so sincere and genuine but I feel like I just can't trust it. I feel like I'd shut the door behind me once I left and I needed to just keep moving forward. We are currently seeing a marriage counselor but we each have different motives for doing so. I just want to improve our communication and interactions with each other while she wants me to commit 100% to fixing our marriage. I'm just not there.

mbca14, I wish I could offer some sort of advice, but at least you know you're not alone. I feel like my situation would be so much easier if my wife would just agree that we're not good for each other and that we need to peacefully part ways. Instead, she's relentlessly trying to pull me back in...and I'm feeling sympathetic and guilty as a result. It makes the decision to stay or go so much harder!