PTSD or BPD?

[2scoopsofraisins]

                     Greetings,
                        I'll be honest, just looking for some validation here, today, based on someone's erroneous assumption that just because my family was full of BPD people, that I also have it.
                       
                        Here's what occurred...I follow a man on youtube who offers his insight and opinions on emails sent to him, regarding Narcs and BPDer's. He grew up with both in his family, and I have always appreciated his no-nonsense approach to what he reads. People send in their emails of dealing with these types of people, and he talks about what he is seeing within each situation.
                        My younger sister, who has been diagnosed with BPD, got into a disagreement with me recently, and I wanted some additional perspective on the difficult experience, from someone who has 'been there'.
                        The following is the email that I wrote to the man to comment on:
                        "First off, allow me to say how grateful I am for all the time and effort you have put into your channel. It is cathartic as it is intelligently delivered.

            That said, I could use some insight into my younger sister Haley's recent behavior with me, and what I may be dealing with.
            As a bit of background-My Mom is a raging undiagnosed Borderline, who had 4 children, all girls, ages 23, 32, 45(me), and 51(making this tough already). The eldest sibling was only diagnosed Chronic Depressive(but has some BPD tendencies), and the two youngest, were diagnosed with BPD by professionals. (I narrowly escaped with only PTSD)
            Haley(32) is my only full blood sister, and my parents separated only three years after she was born, due to my Mother's cheating on my Dad with a former high school boyfriend, who had previously become a friend of the family. My Mom said she 'could not decide whom she loved more' so my Dad made the decision for her and exited. Though even before this, Haley was an angry, aggressive toddler. Even before my parents separated, she would hit, bite, scream, throw tantrums and was full of rage.(I suspected this was due to the dischord in the family, our Mother's histrionics, as well as the separation.)
             In her teens, Haley was a punk, and got her first tattoo at age 15, which my Mom hid from my Dad, terrified he would blame her. She spent time with stereotypical wastrels and other people with similar looks and musical likes, even if they didn't exactly treat her well. (I have nothing against punk, or any other counter culture expression like that, by the way.)

             Flash forward to her early 20's, when she met a man in the coast guard, who was her complete opposite but they fell in love and married. She would begin to share at this time, that he was critical of her tattoos and piercings, and would ask her to change her looks to something he liked better. She would call me crying, often complaining of these things, and her husband's coldness, giving me the impression he was a jerk. (Also at this point, she was diagnosed as Bipolar, and on medication for it)
              A few years later, she began flirting with a tattoo artist in the town they were stationed in, and she eventually attempted to run off and live with this man. She called me at that time from the 'new guys' house, laughing and bragging about how great he was. But within a few days, she shared with my Dad "this isn't fun anymore", as the "new guy" had a lot less money and less comfortable house, compared to the one she left.
            A few days thereafter, she came back to her husband, in a manic state, and had a gun wrestled out of her hands, attempting to kill herself.
            More therapy later, she was diagnosed with BPD, and went into DBT and group therapy, completing the required exercises with greater success than any of the other patients. She confessed to me after the start of her therapy, she'd previously been painting a less than accurate picture of her husband, to gain more sympathy, and didn't know why, but felt she desperately needed someone to offer her attention at that time, so she exaggerated the truth.
            Years later, she ceased complaining about her husband to me, moved a few times as her husband was stationed various places, and she became an accomplished vet tech. I also found we were finally growing closer as sisters too.
           
             Then, somewhat out of nowhere, about 6 weeks or so ago, she began having an annoyed tone in conversations with me. I was letting it go, as she'd had some medication changed, as well one added, due to a sleep disorder she has developed. I also considered she might be mentally and emotionally cycling over something in her personal life or stressful job, and I thought it was best to wait to discuss it with her, after she had perhaps appeared to be in a better state of mind.
             Due to the chronic, high-strung-chaos I grew up in, I have struggled to deal with others when conflict is involved. When Haley would display this side, which toward me, wasn't all that often, I was dreading how hard she would take it, anticipating the worst from me mentioning anything critical of her (because she was high strung like our Mother).
             The worst of these several interactions we had in the last 6 weeks, had her angry with me on my birthday, when I said in a text I 'may' call her, but did not say for sure I'd call her that day. But she was so emotionally invested, she thought when I ran out of time to chat with her, that I'd snubbed her deliberately. It nearly soured my birthday evening, because it was so irrational about it.
             The other bad instance was me misspelling her married name on her Christmas gift which arrived to her in the mail.(I have struggled to write the name correctly, and each time, it's been an honest mistake. Since it was always unintentional, and I have had memory issues, I told her right then and there that I'd added the correct spelling to my phone and that it would never happen again, reminding her of my heart's intention behind the gift I gave.) She railed on the phone how 'my F'n family can't even spell my last name right!', and, 'It keeps happening and happening'.
             This culminated into our last two conversations, where I revealed all the recent ways she was speaking to me, and treating me, seemingly out of nowhere. She got angry and cried, and claimed she didn't know what I was talking about, and claimed I needed to own my responsibility for hurting her feelings on both occasions. Further still, she'd spoken to her current therapist who upon hearing my sister's side of the story, said to her, 'Hmm, sound like she has some BPD behaviors of her own to deal with'. Sadly, this led her to believe and claim that *I* now was behaving like our Mother, and that my lack of accountability, not owning my responsibility in causing her pain, was solid proof of this.(I was calm and even toned in both conversations, by the way. When I encouraged her to calm down, she would claim I was 'telling her how to feel', etc.)
             The two conversations on this topic went in circles, with her crying and angry, emotions dialed up as high as they could go, and saying it gave her a panic attack the week prior. I would *only apologize* for misspelling her name on the package, but not for any hurt feelings, as she blew everything in the instance out of proportion. And as for my birthday, I also felt no apology was needed, but it was more of a misunderstanding. But me standing my ground made her more and more infuriated, and emotional. Finally, because she wouldn't get what she wanted from me, and would not agree to disagree, she got off the phone with me saying, 'I don't know what to do with this, I gotta go'.
            Haven't heard back in about 3 days, and I'd like your opinion on her behavior. Am I dealing with BPD with her, a child of a BPD-parent who is emotionally unstable with learned BPD behaviors, or something else entirely?
            Thanks so very much for reading, and I look forward to your thoughts, N"

            Needless to say, he assumed the following:
            -That I was trying to tell me younger sister how to feel, by simply asking her to calm down during our conversation. But due to how volatile her emotions can be, I couldn't have a reasonable, rational conversation while she was yelling and crying. After years of the abuse in our family by my BPD mother, I would never try and tell someone how to feel.
            -That I somehow 'deliberately' was misspelling my sister's married name, somehow. He referenced that his awful Narc Dad used to do the same to demean him. I would *never* do that. Each time, I well and truly thought I had it right, and though I certainly *should* have double checked at that moment, I was more preoccupied with getting the letter or package out to surprise my sister, at a given time. Impatience, perhaps, but never meant to be disrespectful.
            -That I was somehow invalidating my sister's feelings by not apologizing for hurting her feelings. I could only share so much with the man on Youtube about my history with my sister, but I cannot stress enough, due to my own trauma, how often I feel I must apologize for *everything*-even things not my fault. As part of my healing, I learned not to do this, and only apologize when it was right for me. I only apologized for the spelling mistake and for anything I did that may have hurt her, but did not apologize for specifically for hurting her feelings. Mainly, because my heart's intention was to bless her with a gift, but that manner of apology was not enough for her.
           The Youtube commentor was *sure* I was BPD too, and somehow, unchecked. I shared this with my husband of 17 years, and he disagreed with this man's assessment. He knows my sister, and my family very well, and sees no actual BPD in me. BPD learned behaviors on small occasions, but did not see me at all as a Borderline.
           I am not above reproach, nor better than anyone else. If I met the criterion, I would admit it, and seek help. Trust me when I say, when I went 'no contact' with my Mom, I read a ton, to verify I did not indeed fit the categories of this disorder(and so relieved when I didn't!). But having this man, whom I respected for so long, misread my situation, was so disappointing and saddening, even though he's a stranger to me.
           Also, I ask, can anyone else from BPD family/parents, share how they have either been assumed by someone else, to also have it, or worry they have it too, just because they have PTSD symptoms?
          Thanks for reading all, and God Bless.
                  P.s. I am happy to share the video where this was addressed, in case anyone wants to hear the full extent of what was commented on.

[BigWideWorld]

Hi

My mum has a mental health team working with her currently, she has all the hallmarks of BPD but her psychiatrists have apparently talked about PTSD and a related psychosis - I only get to hear this stuff through my mum though so who knows what is, true and what isn't, I have tried opening the lines of communication with the mental health team but it's like I don't exist, my mum says the psychiatrist asks about me so I am wondering as the only female daughter whether the mental health people are wary of me potentially being the same as her - I aren't in the slightest! And you don't sound like it either - the guy responding to you however does sound like he has those tendencies to have leapt on you like has and paint you as all bad and your sister as all good.

[Methuen]

I am sorry to hear about your experience of having someone you have appreciated and trusted (the youtube guy), not only disappoint you, but suggest it was you who was BPD.   It seems a bit odd to me that a professional would accuse a stranger of being BPD based on an email.  My understanding is that it takes a psychiatrist to diagnose BPD.  Is he a psychiatrist?  What are his credentials?  Even if he is, I would suggest that labeling someone BPD cannot be made on the basis of an email.  Anyone would have been unnerved by the response you got. 

As for convo with your sister, have you perhaps already tried using SET?  Maybe most importantly, is to be kind to yourself right now, and do things that are good for you, and make you feel better.  It sounds like you have a supportive husband, so maybe celebrate that by spending some special time together.    He sounds like a better person to believe than the Youtube commentator, who doesn't know you.

[khibomsis]

I am grappling intensely with this now, as I am going through Christina Lawson on the borderline mother. I think it is fair to say that growing up in a family where the pwBPD is dominant means we all suffer from BPD. Both in the sense that it is intensely painful, and  in the sense that we acquire certain learned behaviour patterns because these have become normalized in the family, and we may not be aware of quite how abnormal our behaviour is until we grow up and get away from the family. That is to say, one can display BPD traits - which have become normalized - without suffering from the attachment disorder that is at the heart of the disease. I would suggest, with compassion, that maybe lending such importance to a call and an envelope would be one of those traits? I have spent limitless emotional energy arguing about whether the unicorn really danced in the gyre before I realized I was displaying a BPD trait. It really doesn't matter where the heck the unicorn danced. 
What I mean is that your relationship with your sister is always going to be fraught. It is a tragedy.  But there always be something.  Of course we should listen and try to assuage the pain when we can. Set boundaries around how much energy you can devote to your FOO. Your husband loves you and you have your own family to build. That should be your main focus.

[khibomsis]

2scoops, how's it going?