bpd partner left me again

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi,
I need some advice mostly so I can process and work through my feelings and to make sense of my situation as best I can. Possibly it won't ever make sense but support would be nice  !

This is my first time using this forum.
Recently my BPD partner and I separated. He had been doing really well in the lead up and focusing on himself, going to the gym alot and practising mindfulness. He rarely could keep employment so I was the primary income and often I would also do the cleaning, cooking etc. I sometimes felt like I was his caregiver and he spent his time doing what he enjoyed/liked. I began to drink alot (I take full accountability for this and will not shift blame) mostly on the weekend or after work alone on my deck once our child was in bed. This became a big trigger for him (there was ALOT of triggers including if I didn't have his clothes washed before our child's etc) which I do understand as substance use is problematic even in healthier relationships. He however was able to drink or do pretty much anything he wanted when he wanted as if I ever questioned him the rage I would face would go on for hours.
Recently an incident occurred where I stayed at a friend's house with our child for a play date and had a few beers and a BBQ. The next night he launched into an attack like no other, mocking me, ridiculing me, calling me every name under the sun, slamming doors, spitting etc.
I had work the next day and got our child looked after and left for work.
When I returned he was gone with some of his stuff. Cue the messages of how he can never be in a relationship with me and a list of 100 things I have done wrong etc
Now today my child and I were really unwell due to a viral infection. He called and asked if we needed anything and dropped off some lemonade and medication. He then handed me his keys and told me he would organise to store his stuff until he finds his own place. He seemed really happy to be honest and it flawed me. For someone who just left his family (and I honestly did ALOT for him, pretty much everything I did was based on his moods and what would make him comfortable) to be so up beat and happy, really hurt me. He also said he would come and do the lawns for me (I was organising a lawnmower man and he knows this) and that he would still pay for the internet. I paid for the whole rent bills and food he just had the internet to pay for as he was a gamer.
I have two questions..
How has my ex partner been able to detach so quickly and suddenly?
Why is he still offering to do the lawns, pay for the internet etc
I feel like I would prefer for him not to assist with anything as in the past he has weaponised any help given against me
Thank you I really would appreciate some advice because I am so hurt and lost currently

[Collectiveenergy]

Hi,
I need some advice mostly so I can process and work through my feelings and to make sense of my situation as best I can. Possibly it won't ever make sense but support would be nice  !

This is my first time using this forum.
Recently my BPD partner and I separated. He had been doing really well in the lead up and focusing on himself, going to the gym alot and practising mindfulness. He rarely could keep employment so I was the primary income and often I would also do the cleaning, cooking etc. I sometimes felt like I was his caregiver and he spent his time doing what he enjoyed/liked. I began to drink alot (I take full accountability for this and will not shift blame) mostly on the weekend or after work alone on my deck once our child was in bed. This became a big trigger for him (there was ALOT of triggers including if I didn't have his clothes washed before our child's etc) which I do understand as substance use is problematic even in healthier relationships. He however was able to drink or do pretty much anything he wanted when he wanted as if I ever questioned him the rage I would face would go on for hours.
Recently an incident occurred where I stayed at a friend's house with our child for a play date and had a few beers and a BBQ. The next night he launched into an attack like no other, mocking me, ridiculing me, calling me every name under the sun, slamming doors, spitting etc.
I had work the next day and got our child looked after and left for work.
When I returned he was gone with some of his stuff. Cue the messages of how he can never be in a relationship with me and a list of 100 things I have done wrong etc
Now today my child and I were really unwell due to a viral infection. He called and asked if we needed anything and dropped off some lemonade and medication. He then handed me his keys and told me he would organise to store his stuff until he finds his own place. He seemed really happy to be honest and it flawed me. For someone who just left his family (and I honestly did ALOT for him, pretty much everything I did was based on his moods and what would make him comfortable) to be so up beat and happy, really hurt me. He also said he would come and do the lawns for me (I was organising a lawnmower man and he knows this) and that he would still pay for the internet. I paid for the whole rent bills and food he just had the internet to pay for as he was a gamer.
I have two questions..
How has my ex partner been able to detach so quickly and suddenly?
Why is he still offering to do the lawns, pay for the internet etc
I feel like I would prefer for him not to assist with anything as in the past he has weaponised any help given against me
Thank you I really would appreciate some advice because I am so hurt and lost currently

[formflier]

So...one of the "hallmarks" of BPD is rapidly changing feelings..plus the new feeling is so strong that they don't seem to be able to consider the possibility that they ever felt differently.

So...while it may "seem" to you to be so quick and abnormal (and..to be frank it is quick and abnormal), to them..it's "normal".

Think about the impact of this...

Best,

FF

[Collectiveenergy]

Thanks for your reply. I do agree it isn't normal and it was quite a rapid change in feelings. It was almost like I as a person don't exist. I do appreciate he dropped off some lemonade and medication for us and is offering to still help, however the past shows that whenever he has done something that I thought was kind and caring, he would use it against me that he "always has to drop everything when I need help" or that he is "always getting used by me". To be honest its exhausting and I get nervous now when he offers any support because I never know when he will use it against me

[ForeverDad]

How has my ex partner been able to detach so quickly and suddenly?

I can't remember the exact phrase, someone will probably chime in soon to clarify my thought, but it has been said that their emotional memory is limited.  For example, some reported that the pwBPD kept a piece of clothing to sleep with otherwise they'd feel disconnected from the other.

When you mentioned mindfulness it made me ponder where he learned that from, did he have therapy in the past?  He would be wise to seek out a therapist to help him work on himself some more, his mindfulness seems to be weak right now.

You, as the person in his closest relationship, probably can't do as well as an emotionally neutral professional.  You see, you have a history of a close relationship and likely he can't listen very well since the baggage of the prior years interferes too much whenever you speak.

Does that sound about right?

As for his current behavior, his escapism, he seems happy about it.  You may not be able to influence his decisions right now.  I sometimes say, the person with BPD will do what he will do.  So it may be time for you to ponder what you will do...  If he returns, it's likely he will do it again.

[Collectiveenergy]

The mindfulness was actually to work on his way of thinking he said - he does have some awareness into his emotional dysregulation he says he has anger issues and I trigger them. That being said he also will say he never had it this bad that he was a chill calm person in the past and I have caused most of it? That also is pretty hurtful. I also can not 100% believe he was calm before he met me - perhaps he is only like this in intimate partner relationships? In terms of mindfulness I am unsure if he is actually practising true mindfulness. All he can refer to when I have asked, is he is listening to affirmations at night time (which mind you is still fantastic)  Affirmations of self love and to manifest what he wants in life etc. He is reading a book about deprogramming the mind. I hope it truly does help him. Because when suddenly turns and begins to rage - my god he becomes so bad and it goes on for hours. Maybe it is just me though and he is better off not being in a relationship with me as i am the biggest trigger

[Collectiveenergy]

Apologies I am getting used to this forum and am shocking at navigating/formatting my responses.

He hasn't done therapy he found this book and it went from there. He has been pretty proactive in making changes for himself and bettering his life - he just never really put much effort or consideration into lifes responsibilities. Mostly, he concentrates on working out and playing games. I provided all the other elements such as rent, bills and household items. He will work on and off however never ended up liking the jobs. Its just all very confusing

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  Welcome to the forum.  Lots of great people in here with experience and sound advice.  One of the mantra's in here is "put your mask on first".  Please make sure you are engaging in self-care as well.  It doesn't have to be much.  A soak in the tub.  A walk.  Picking a flower on a walk.  Anything to help you relax out of the pressure cooker for a while.  Find time to think about what you want going forward.  Good luck.  Be well.  CoMo

[ForeverDad]

He hasn't done therapy he found this book and it went from there. He has been pretty proactive in making changes for himself and bettering his life - he just never really put much effort or consideration into life's responsibilities.

We concede that if you are trying to improve the relationship, then sharing is typically good.  And on the other hand, if you've decided you have to end the relationship then you limit sharing to only parenting and other necessary matters.  Sharing too much information (TMI) can be self-sabotaging.  Among the things you don't share are whether you're consulting a lawyer, what your divorce strategies are and similar things.

He found the book.  That's okay, seems he's not using it as a weapon against you, but notice all he did was make some personal changes.  He didn't seek out substantive help such as from a professional or other neutral expert.  Want to know how many "fixed" themselves?  I know of only one, the person who pioneered treating pwBPD.

It is highly unlikely he can attain recovery on his own.  It is the rare exceptional person who can do that.  BPD pioneer Marsha Linehan revealed she suffered from BPD in her younger years and managed to pioneer recovery therapies such as CBT & DBT.*  But I doubt very much that your Ex is another Marsha Linehan devoted to recovery.  So if he's not heavily invested in therapy, assume that you will need good boundaries for the foreseeable future.

* CBT/DBT = Cognitive or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

[livednlearned]

Recently an incident occurred where I stayed at a friend's house with our child for a play date and had a few beers and a BBQ. The next night he launched into an attack like no other, mocking me, ridiculing me, calling me every name under the sun, slamming doors, spitting etc.

My guess is that he either felt scared you were enjoying life without him and had to take you down a peg so that you would feel as awful as he did.

Or

He met someone and wants to see how it feels to create some space for this new relationship to grow while keeping the door open to you.

If he can keep you worked up about your own issues you might be less likely to look closely at his. 

How has my ex partner been able to detach so quickly and suddenly?

I'm not sure he is genuinely detached ...

Why is he still offering to do the lawns, pay for the internet etc

He may want some emotional distance as a way to regulate his intense emotions (not realizing it), and these small contributions allow him to stay involved and be a "good" dad/partner. He's cherry picking the things that make him happy, and he's able to see himself in a positive light. Ignoring the rest ...

I am so hurt and lost currently

Narcissism in a loved one has the effect of denying us our own sense of self.

This can be a painful, confusing time to sort out what you want and need if these things have been criticized and bullied and controlled and abused out of you.

How would you feel if/when he wants to return?

[Collectiveenergy]

Thank you for the response.

I think he legitimately has left me this time. He is different towards me. Very cold and keeps talking about doing things for himself. He doesn't really discuss our child or what will we do moving forward so I am unsure whether there is a chance of reconciling.

The conversation he has always surrounds him working on himself and his own life. He usually would try to make contact with me and he isn't doing that this time either.

Possibly he has met someone else and I am not aware of that.

He called as I was working today to pick up the chair he uses for gaming. He didn't have any awareness as to why that upset me as I was trying to work from home and it was disruptive having him come to the house to remove more belongings- i don't think he considers it inappropriate whilst I am working to pick up his stuff. Somehow I was in the wrong by being upset by it. Maybe I am being over reactive it is difficult to ascertain due to the fog I feel I am in.

He definitely does seem happier and calmer. I am unsure if its an act or he genuinely has been able to regulate his emotions in a small space of a few weeks by the books he is reading. I haven't seen someone change so quickly before though so I am apprehensive and nervous

It is all very confusing behaviour

[faith541]

Hi, i'm very new to this but could it be that he seems happier and calmer as he thinks he has removed himself from the problem, which in his eyes was you. Unfortunately he will do the same again and again and probably never realise what the problem actually is. I am going through something similar where my ex partner of 16 years seemed like she was on top of the world as soon as she broke up with me.

I apologise if i'm incorrect and hopefully someone with more experience can help you.

[Collectiveenergy]

Hi, i'm very new to this but could it be that he seems happier and calmer as he thinks he has removed himself from the problem, which in his eyes was you.

I agree. He definitely has devalued me and sees me as the primary issue to all his anger problems. It is such a cop out and very unfair. I just wish I could move forward and see him for what he truly is and not be in denial anymore

[Scared2Lose]

I agree wholeheartedly. Though my situation is a bit different. My pwBPD is super sad all the time. She rarely leaves the house. And it's clear that she's not into causing me pain. Or to put it more appropriately, not psyched about having to see me in it. This despite the fact that according to her, I'm mean, insensitive, lack empathy and have harrassed and abused her. It makes no sense. If I'm the bad guy she says I am, why does she care at all about what I feel or what happens to me?

As near as I can tell, and this is only my opinion, the only conditions on which they can truly leave, is if somehow everything is your fault. My pwBPD has never once taken responsibility for any of the problems in the relationship. Even now, when she says that my options are to leave the house or she'll kill herself (not exactly those words, but the gist of the meaning), I'm not allowed to say maybe she's approaching this conflict in a disordered way. If I advocate for myself, it's harassment. If I try to hold her to things she'd previously agreed to, it's manipulative. If some decision we collectively made suddenly gets hard for her, I forced her into doing things she didn't want to do.

If they admitted to themselves that they held some part in the breakdown of the relationship, I think their world would come down around them. The reality is that you're not the reason. They aren't even the reason. Their illness is. And it's more comforting for them to stick to the side of their disorder, which they've known for far longer than you, than work with you to find a way out of all the heartache and pain.

Your ex is OK, because if he weren't, then you wouldn't be so worth leaving. Then he'd have to recognize his role in all this nonsense. That feeling is what he's trying to avoid by making you the enemy. And avoidance of that feeling lies at the heart of the disorder. A disorder that is not your fault, and not your responsibility. Support the man, love the man, hate the disorder, accept that you may lose to it at any time.

[Gemsforeyes]

I’m so very sorry.  I understand it’s no consolation or comfort to your sadness; but please see that even though he’s in a different location, it’s STILL him.  No matter where he is.

And naturally he needed that gaming chair when it was least convenient for you.  But that doesn’t matter to him.

Care for yourself and your precious child now.  Gather truly supportive friends and family around you and hold them close.   

You cannot fix other people.  Ever.  Let him “work on himself” in his new location.  It appears he’s been leaving you out of that equation all along anyway.  I don’t intend to be harsh, but Does that seem accurate?

And please continue to post every thought you need to post.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Collectiveenergy]

You cannot fix other people.  Ever.  Let him “work on himself” in his new location.  It appears he’s been leaving you out of that equation all along anyway.  I don’t intend to be harsh, but Does that seem accurate?

I think that is accurate to say. Example is he was excited about going camping with one of his friends in a few weeks time and was telling me about it. I was so sad not because I don't want him to enjoy himself - I do. It was because he never wanted to do fun activities with me. I suggested camping so many times and it was always "too expensive" "too difficult" " we don't have the right camping gear". Always excuses to not go camping. Now he suddenly can go camping.

[Scared2Lose]

This is something I'm dealing with as well. I always asked that she find a way to keep her cat from getting on the kitchen counters. We have black counters and you can see exactly where he stepped and it's gross. We had argument after argument about it. Eventually, I just took to wiping the counters whenever I woke up in the morning. With her permission, I went into her living room the other day and she had a scat pad (an electric one I bought to keep the cat off of something else) and tinfoil on the counter. She probably doesn't even remember me asking her previously to deal with it. Or, if she did, she'd reason that the way I asked made her not want to do it.

When you asked to go camping and he didn't want to, I imagine his feelings for not wanting to were tied up in misperceived notions of having been wronged. However, inside, he knew that his reasons weren't rational and that made him feel even worse, which makes him want to do something for you even less. After all, you're making him feel bad. Now that those notions have no available fuel, ie you're gone, he probably doesn't even remember that he ever refused to go camping with you in the first place. At the very least, he's definitely not capable of seeing the obvious contradictions between those conversations and his current behavior.

[livednlearned]

Scared2Lose, you have a really nice way of describing these complicated behaviors.

he's definitely not capable of seeing the obvious contradictions between those conversations and his current behavior.

I suppose we all have this to some degree.

Feedback from n/BPDx that I was never able to put into practice I am able to in my current relationship.

Often it was too hard to hear what was truthful because it was too hurtful the way it felt.

Perhaps the difference is that I see the continuity in who I am whereas for n/BPDx, there wasn't much if any continuity due to splitting.

Collectiveenergy, do you want the relationship to continue in some form?

[Collectiveenergy]

I did want it to however he is pretty adamant that I am all bad now and that he is never returning. He messaged me a ton of abuse yesterday when I asked that we spoke about the lease agreement getting put in my name and for him to redirect mail. I was very calm and polite when asking and he totally exploded. Told me I was a narcissist and selfish as he is now homeless (he has somewhere to stay currently) and that how dare I ask him to deal with all this when he already has enough stress. I don't quite know what he expects to be honest- he left. The situation is what it is he has to deal with it like an adult. Its such confusing behaviour.

[Collectiveenergy]

Scared2lose thank you for your perspective I agree and empathise with what you are experiencing. Whenever I attempted to defend myself or at very least try to communicate about getting more help around the house or just for him to come to a compromise with me, I was manipulative or being abusive. I found I had space to assert any of my own needs/feelings because I would later be made to feel that they were unjust to him. Literally walking on eggshells

[Collectiveenergy]

Faith541, I hope you are doing ok and looking after yourself and I am also new to this and really bad at replying to people

[formflier]

I did want it to however he is pretty adamant that I am all bad now and that he is never returning.  

Do you believe this?  Should you believe this?

What would you have done about this a few months ago?  What do you plan on doing about this now?

 

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

he says he has anger issues and I trigger them. That being said he also will say he never had it this bad that he was a chill calm person in the past and I have caused most of it? That also is pretty hurtful... Maybe it is just me though and he is better off not being in a relationship with me as I am the biggest trigger.

In a dozen words or less:  You are his biggest trigger because you are the closest to him.

It has been said that the Borderline disorder becomes more evident in the closest of relationships.  And what is closer than living together?  And when in an obligated relationship there's a possibility that he feels in control of the relationship and can decide when he feels ready to come back, perhaps to leave again and return again, as his moods go up and down.  After all, if he's left once, claiming you're the problem, what's to stop him from doing it again and again if you let him back?

So it is NOT you, it's his mental dysregulation combined with the close relationship.  Repeat, not you personally.