Letter to my ex, should I send

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all, I’m new here

I’ve been with my bpd ex (not diognosed but she is text book from research that I’ve done on here) for 2.5 years. Idolised at first and then since then we have split up 5-6 times, you all know the process. She also shows signs of npd. I’ve spoken to her family about it at the early stages of our relationship, and they said she’s always had the issues even from a young age. She has two kids to two different men, and she became paraplegic almost 4 years ago, what’s caused more mental health (as you can understand) when I first met her she had only been single 10 days and she put me on a pedestal. However our break ups have become more and more messier, the kids, her family even the neighbours have seen her anger, she kicks all of my clothes out and screams on the street, even called the police on me. She blocks me on every platform but when I seem to move on she always seems to come back. She starts with the unblocking and then I reach out and beg for her back. It’s a repeated cycle. This time she has said she doenst love me and she isn’t happy. It so came out of the blue as we had a good Xmas togther. However this time round she kept me a secret from all of her family and I wasn’t alllud to park on her drive so the neighbours wouldn’t see me there, all abit odd. As soon as I tried to get past this stage she has left me again. Just beofre the discard she has been giving her ex money to help him with his financial issues and he’s also been training at her gym. So they maybe back together I don’t know? For Valentine’s Day this year I bought her a new car and left it on her drive to try to make amends and she went crazy and told me to leave her alone we are completely done. I know I need to move on but I really do love her and I want to support her if this is the case. I have written her a letter do you think I should send her it?


I will post the letter in the comments below, any feedback is appreciated thank you

[jimbob88]

Hi all, I’m new here

I’ve been with my bpd ex (not diognosed but she is text book from research that I’ve done on here) for 2.5 years. Idolised at first and then since then we have split up 5-6 times, you all know the process. She also shows signs of npd. I’ve spoken to her family about it at the early stages of our relationship, and they said she’s always had the issues even from a young age. She has two kids to two different men, and she became paraplegic almost 4 years ago, what’s caused more mental health (as you can understand) when I first met her she had only been single 10 days and she put me on a pedestal. However our break ups have become more and more messier, the kids, her family even the neighbours have seen her anger, she kicks all of my clothes out and screams on the street, even called the police on me. She blocks me on every platform but when I seem to move on she always seems to come back. She starts with the unblocking and then I reach out and beg for her back. It’s a repeated cycle. This time she has said she doenst love me and she isn’t happy. It so came out of the blue as we had a good Xmas togther. However this time round she kept me a secret from all of her family and I wasn’t alllud to park on her drive so the neighbours wouldn’t see me there, all abit odd. As soon as I tried to get past this stage she has left me again. Just beofre the discard she has been giving her ex money to help him with his financial issues and he’s also been training at her gym. So they maybe back together I don’t know? For Valentine’s Day this year I bought her a new car and left it on her drive to try to make amends and she went crazy and told me to leave her alone we are completely done. I know I need to move on but I really do love her and I want to support her if this is the case. I have written her a letter do you think I should send her it?


I will post the letter in the comments below, any feedback is appreciated thank you

[jimbob88]

Hi

I’ve written you a letter as I’ve no other way of contacting you, you’ve become very vindictive towards me & I'm afraid that if I try to talk to you in person you’ll just start fighting, what I’m no longer prepared to do.

It's a shame that this has happened again because when the pendulum swings the other way, there are no two people happier than we have been. However, now that you see me as past tense, Im going to take a step back, respect your wishes and move in with my life. Im sorry I put up a fight I was stuck in denial. I was in an utter state of panic & confusion, with no clue as to why everything fell apart so quickly again. But I can no longer sit here & pray for you to realise what you've thrown away; Its only you who can figure that one out on your own.

I was with you for almost 3 years of the 4 years after your accident. That’s three quarters of the time! You’ve had a life-changing experience thats bound to effect you in every aspect of your life, mentally & physically. I could act codependent around you due to my desire to care & I’d always put you before myself & nothing has ever hurt me more than you telling me I made you feel unhappy. I adored & loved you more than I loved myself. Id forever go above & beyond to make you happy. I was obsessed with making all your past pain go away. I was willing to do anything for you.

Please remember when we first met, you had nothing, I fell in love with your charm, kindness, generosity & sense of humor. At this point you had been through hell & back, I know at times you’re angry & frustrated with life & you must feel like the worlds against you. I think with what has gone on in your traumatic past then having your accident it has left you with deep wounds that have never healed, what’s left you with a fear of intimacy. What I can understand & I I’ve always took into consideration. Ive noticed when I suggest to take our relationship to the next stage (what’s natural after two & a half years) you feel some sort of suffocation, freak out & you’ve push me away & self sabotage, rationalize it in your mind to the point where you disassociate from me completely, pull away & create exactly what you fear.

Ill never be in your position but I see how hard & draining it is for you & Ive done everything in my nature to support & learn about your disability. I understand I can be pain, i have my flaws & that I can get under your feet at times & I have put pressure on you when you’re still early on adapting to your new life. Im sorry It’s caused such an engulfment when I become to close. Regardless how devoted I felt to you, I was happy enough to compromise, put the breaks on until you was at a comfortable position in your life to let me in. It became clear that any time I asked for commitment, you became recluse & isolated yourself from me & the more you questioned my integrity.

I understand your traits can make it difficult for you to build trust for an effective relationship with not just me but anyone & I feel you push the hardest at people who see the real you; what’s obviously was me. I’ve noticed you pushed me away the most when you was stressed with other things away from our relationship & its almost as if you look for someone to blame. Then you focus on the negative aspects to the exclusion of all else, then justify your decision to take decisive action against me because all you could see was the negative aspects. “I’m unhappy with him” “I’m not In love him” etc. That results you to devalue me, followed by discarding me.

What brings me to the conclusion, right now you’ve a lot of stress away from your disability & our relationship, with york road, probably one of the most stressful times of your life, you’ve put yourself under so much pressure to get this house right. You’re still unhappy at work, Adam tries to control you & make your life hard work, Karl’s struggling & just lockdown in general. All of these add up that will effect your feelings & mental health. And unintentionally sometimes you can push your closest away without realising. And you logically don’t mean some of the things you do or say, what triggers you to act irrational, angry, sullen & out of character.

I’m a good person & I’ve always been willing to support you through any sort of emotional disregulation, can you remember at the start of our relationship you asking me “Jamie are you going to be able to handle all of this” my answer was yes & almost 3 years on... my answer would always be the same. Plain & simply just because i want to be with you & to show you, you are worthy of love regardless of how you feel within yourslef.

My only intentions have been to make you happy, to take care of your heart & soul, your well being, along with your children. I understand with your injury alone you’re in a lot of pain, you’re always tired because you can’t sleep & your moods can vary simply down to your medication, how your bladder reacts or your common water infections. What again is neither of our faults. However, being on the receiving end sometimes makes me retaliate but you have to trust me here, it was hard for me to see you suffer. I got down & frustrated too, all I wanted was you to be happy, like I’ve said to you before id swap positions with you if I had the ability to see you walk again.

The more you push, the more I panic & apply pressure simply down to; I was scared of losing you. I’m sure if you look from the outside the push & pull is a common thing, what I need to learn to control because it’s a big downfall of mine.

I dissect my roles for my responsibility in parts of the relationship where I’ve let my insecurities get the better of me, early on I  caused a few issues & how my actions have pushed you away at times too. However, Im activity getting help back doing my counciling with Riona as she understands my past & also understands how I’ve felt from my childhood & that’ll how I looked for that emptiness to be filled in our relationship & she understands things from your perspective too (to an extent). If we find that someday we want to give us another try, we could maybe seek some professional help together to get through & prevent the cycle we seem to be stuck in.

I do understand the cause of your anguish & above all; i can listen, I can stay up all night with you, you have my shoulder to cry on, you can scream, you can shout. You can tell me how much you hate me, you can call the police, pack my bags as many times as you wish. You can project your fears to me, create smear campaigns about me, But regardless of how hard you tried to push me away & how much you continue to hurt me, you won’t find a better best friend & I wouldn’t of given up on you, even on your worst days when you felt alone in the dark.

The kind of love we had is not found by everybody & in my opinion, is certainly too precious to throw all away. I want to give you some time to sift through all the realted issues & see if you think there is anything of our relationship left to salvage. My intention is not to discard it completely. I remember the good times & the love we share together. But I know my worth & for the time being I’m going to listen to what you’ve said, focus on moving forwards knowing that I gave you my all & that you no longer want me in your life.

This is why I think the only wise solution to protect the both of us is to accept your present state of mind & I guess that only time/space will determine your true feelings. I need you to know that I’d of never of given up & I was in this for the long haul. But by me letting go here doesn't mean ive stopped caring, nor stopped loving you...I just respect myself along with my dignity & I hope you've found contentment. That is all I ever wanted for you. Im going detach & care for myself whilst you figure your true self out. I’ll always be here for if you need to reach out. On the other hand, if you are with someone else now, I wish you both nothing but the best.

Take care Jamie.

[Shaken54]

HI  sorry you are going through this.
I will say you wrote a very heartfelt letter, personally I would not send it to her. We have all been where you are heck some of us including myself is still there. Unfortunately if you send that to her you will probably be disappointed with what you get in return, either she will ignore you which is never a good feeling or she will come back at you with a angry response also not a good feeling.

If she has discarded you the chances of turning that around are not very good, and if you take the time to think about it why would you want someone that casts you aside so easily with no regard.
They thrive on attention good or bad it does not matter, you need to ask yourself if you send that letter are you prepared to be hurt again. its the same question if you went back, see I went back and the fighting and arguing only gets worse. For me it was at the point of a blow up happening every 2 to 4 weeks. I finally had enough.

Its certainly your call but trying to reason with a BPD is like trying to reason with a 4 year old.

Good luck in what you decide to do.

[Shaken54]

I forgot to add I too wrote a letter but I never sent it, when I get the urge to try and contact her I just sit and try and remember all the negative things that happened how mean she was. Our minds like to only remember the good times not so much the bad, but remembering or writing those down help with the urges to reach out.

Good Luck

[ljwin]

I would not send it! Back when I was married and I didn’t know about the affair I wrote a long very heartfelt letter covering the entire 17 years we were married. When I asked if she read it she said “yes, I felt nothing”. That absolutely killed me it was very hurtful and I wouldn’t put my heart on the table again like that just to have it smashed to pieces!

[forevermagenta]

Unsent letter writing can be so cathartic. I would stick with that. In fact, write more if you need to, but don’t send. What you intend and what your partner hears will likely be worlds apart and I agree with the others here- it will likely end in (your) heartache.

The promises you are making in this letter are also quite grand. I’m not sure how much you have scouted around this site, but my impression of BPD is that you can remain in this tortured limbo space (push-pull) for the rest of your life if you want. Meeting these promises is counter to the condition. I don’t know about you, but for me, there came a point where that felt like the definition of he l l.

Maybe you want to ask yourself- why does this person hold such power for you? Why are so you so interested in setting aside your own well-being to meet this persons ever-changing needs? Good luck to you. These questions aren’t easy and I’m still sitting with them myself.

[brighter future]

I wrote a letter like that to my uPBD ex-g/f at the advice of my T around 2 months after our breakup. My T advised me to hang on to the letter for a while, but stated that it was ultimately up to me what I decided to do with it.  At the time I wrote the letter, I had a strong desire to stick the letter in an envelope and mail it to her.

Over 10 months have passed since our breakup, and I no longer have any desire to send the letter to my ex. I have accepted the fact that the relationship is over and that there's nothing that I could have done to make the relationship work, nor can I save her from herself. I also now accept the fact that I'm much better off out of this relationship. Her life is still in utter chaos, and I recently found out from a mutual friend that her 8 year old son no longer wants to live under her roof and will be going soon to live with his father and his new wife roughly an hour away. No doubt that he'll be better off living with his father. Maybe one of these days, my ex will seek the help that she so desperately needs. Friends tell me that she continues to gain a lot of weight and "looks miserable and swollen" from all of the weight gain.

Nothing that I wrote in that letter is going to change anything, but at least I got to put my thoughts down on paper. I have an electronic copy saved on my computer and a hard copy printed out. I'm thinking that I'm about ready to delete the copy off of my computer, and I'll most likely burn the hard copy out in the yard behind my house.

It's up to you what you decide to do with the letter that you wrote your ex. Just think it through thoroughly before you make your decision.

Best wishes!

[tvda]

Hi!

I wouldn't send that letter either... You know why? Her reaction will only disappoint you. It's really quite simple: if she would be receptive, fair, balanced and emotionally intelligent enough to respond to this letter in an honest and open way, you would not even be in this situation.

It's up to you of course. As far as 'truly reaching her' or 'getting a decent reaction' goes, I really think you will be disappointed.

Also, and this is something I recognise from the things I have written before, there is a sort of undercurrent in your letter... Can't really put my finger on it, but there is a sense of you still trying to convince her that you two can be great together, you still loving her and willing to give it another go...

It looks like a letter to end things. But it feels like a letter begging to please give it another chance, on a deep, beneath the surface level. It doesn't feel like a true closure letter to me. As I said, I know this type of letter well. And it sort of just keeps the same dynamic going, it feels to me.

[jimbob88]

Thanks to everyone who’s replied, I haven’t sent the letter just keep amending it but become obsessed with it.

Im still blocked and haven’t heard anything.

Why do they block and unblock? Im unsure if I’ll ever be unblibktf now because so many bridges have been burnt. But I’ve thought this in the past and she seems to unblock. Then I reach out beg for her to take me back and it just repeats itself. It’s getting shorter and shorter each time with more added control.

But she’s never said she doesn’t love me nor I don’t make her happy before. So I guess it’s over now?

[Shaken54]

I know its difficult, I am still going through this myself. As far as the blocking goes this is a very common thing with them, mine has done this so many times. I even got blocked once because i had a virus and she caught it and blamed me for getting her sick. Trying to figure it out will make you feel crazy, I think its just because we are dealing with a person who is stuck in a childlike emotional state.

I know what your going through because I am too, I am blocked and have been for awhile, point is we need to get to the point of not caring. I am getting there I know that no matter what I do its not going to change, as a matter of fact I have read that by contacting them it makes it worse because they find you desperate, lacking confidence that sort of thing.

I will admit I miss her but what I really miss was not real it was an illusion put on by her to hook me, who you see now is who she really is. accepting that is key to healing yourself and getting on with your life and finding your true partner.

Hang in there