Exhausted by constant demands of selfish tormented son

[MomBPBoy42Yrs]

 
first post.
Weary.
Looking for insights and suggestions. Exhausted.
Oldest son terrorizes our entire family. Husband enables the abuse for fear of sons suicide or homocide. Yes he has threatened to kill us. I am 'normal' meaning no psych issues, no addictions. Strong Christian, functional person, successful in business, active in community and charities, love time with other kids and grandkids. Lots of friends, good life...except 42 yr old son with BPD.
I have had some training, been to Betty Ford Family week. For the most part I do have healthy boundries, but not with him. I read almost every self help book on the shelves for almost 5 years in the 80's-90's. BPD wasn't a thing I knew about, his diagnosis was BiPolar, the suicidal ideation, depression, Generalized, anxiety, then severe OCD, paranoia, etc. NOW BPD.  I led groups and helped others. I did 3 years of my own therapy as a adult child of alcoholic (without chem addictions, with co-dependencies,) had more than average stress and personal pain, some marriage problems and a few bad habits but all my issues were greatly helped and are mostly healed. NOW THIS kid who is never happy, always angry, constantly threatening, sometimes violent and totally dependent. 42 yr old son has a med prescribing psych. Son abuses psych meds and adds THC. Son has a compassionate talk Doc, Christian psychologist who we like so much that we pay $5,000-$12,000 per month for him to help son. Son has no job, we fully support. He would qualify as fully disabled but is not on disability because we want him to keep his good private insurance. Bought him a modest house, we do all maintenance and pay all bills. He just destroys everything. Doctor is trying to get him to grow up, help out, get connected, make healthy choices, create relationships. Nothing is ever enough. EVERYTHING is out fault. Yes, I said EVERYTHING. Do I sound scared and desperate? YES, I am here, pouring out my fears and my personal failures to find solutions. I am open to suggestions. He has been in psych units, with world renown doctors, in jail, etc. He is currently alcohol and opiate free. Husband is reading "Stop walking on eggshells." Is there hope? Is there help? Can he change? Will he get better?
worn out mother

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

I'm headed to bed but I promise to reply tomorrow - just didn't want you to think nobody was reading this

[losttrust]

I’m so very sorry.  We all have our limits.  By the sound of things you’ve gone way over and beyond what most parents could offer.

I now see it will never be enough in the BPD eyes and We can’t love them enough or buy them enough of anything  to make them “normal”.  Why not then just stop the madness.  Could you just Sell the house if he’s unable to maintain it - get a cheap apartment on a bus route.  Give him Gift cards for a grocery store.  If Expensive insurance is not working -why not go state disability and use state plans. If they see him as threatening they’ll perhaps get him a  IOP.   Why keep throwing  good money after bad. 

I want to thank you as mine is 24 not 42 and after reading all of your generosity...this is a awe ha moment for me.  You answered my own questions of what I should do next..  You may have saved me a great deal of suffering and fiscal harm. 

Thank you 

[PearlsBefore]

 

Welcome to BPDFamily, happy to meet you, sorry you're here...

The question of "Is there hope?", well answering from a username with a scriptural basis - there is always hope but it should not necessarily be hoped for specific outcomes in this world...and the scriptural reference in my username pretty much sums up my cynicism after 15 years. (I never even liked the passage in my younger years because I thought, like the Serenity prayer, it encouraged me to give up on those I believed myself capable of saving. But by the time I was 35, I'd put the parable into song and taught it to my children.) You can buy him a car or invest twenty hours a week listening to him rant about his hatred of you, or promise him a trip to Europe if he'll re-commit his life to God in a Valjean sense...at some point we are just casting pearls to swine, I'm sorry to say. Where you have other children, you also need to be doing the earthly assessment of whether that 5-12k/month might be better invested in them or a grandchild who looks to excel or even one who is on the cusp of mental illness themselves but early intervention might mitigate.

It sounds like the past decades have made you incredibly resilient and competent - but now your nerves are fraying because ultimately we are all just human. I sympathise with your situation even moreso because I've seen the assumptions that people make about those who remain engaged with BPDs - if you're a parent it's because you know the child was molested by either you or your spouse, if you're a spouse it's because you're a narcissist yourself, etc, etc. Modern stereotypes don't take into account religious servitude and the masochistic desire to persevere in bringing light to darkness against all odds. Might be worth mentioning that my pwBPD has opined intermittently in the past their belief that they are literally demonically possessed and that is their explanation for the BPD. I have always tended to focus them instead on the more physiological explanations but it's difficult with personality disorders because unlike other mental illnesses...there aren't really the same issues of chemical imbalance or clearly defined structures.

My father-in-law gave me one of the better pieces of advice, which I dismissed at the time of course being a "dumb teen", but he has since been proven correct in my experience. Nobody changes who they fundamentally are, after the age of 25 except through God introducing tragedy into their life. A motorcycle accident or the loss of a loved one might lead someone to be reborn - but no amount of comforts, pleasantries and bribes will work long-term on someone after they're 25.

The area in which I cannot offer much advice is the homicidal/suicidal, because I'm stuck in the same rut and spinning my wheels; I need to take drastic action in the coming months, but/because my beloved has a history of both suicidalism and homicidalism when their nerves are frayed. I'm religious so I'm not overly concerned by the thought they'll kill me (though if I stop posting here suddenly, I'm going to say there's a relatively high chance you'll know why) but there are others at risk and part of me is paralyzed by the fear I'll make a misstep and end up responsible for at least one death. I am being told I need to take the plunge and finally sign my name to the bottom of the document that will allow them to take permanent steps against someone well-known to authorities - and I keep refusing, believing I can talk everybody down off this ledge to safety. Just this month I've been asked to confirm that I will give the green light for drastic action "if all else fails", and it was one of the hardest things I've had to do in life. The pwBPD here thinks they have months or years before the proverbial hits the fan - and no amount of shaking them back to reality is going to work. Hence why I'm up late at night right now, working on a final effort to save them from the corner into which they've painted themselves.

So I can talk tough and say "Don't negotiate with terrorists, just pull the pin and end this", or advise you to cut off his lifeline so the rest of you can make it through...but I'd be a hypocrite because I've been in your shoes and I haven't done it...multiple times over the last decade. May God guide each of us to make the proper decision.