new member...living in fear

[Dailystoic]

19yr old son w/ BPD -previous diagnosis anxiety, depression, adhd, bipolar. Son had to drop out of college first semester d/t undiagnosed BPD. Just finished inpatient DBT and doing outpatient DBT. He's stuck at home and trying to be structured. He's passive and not doing much. Still has self harm urges and down moments but resets faster using learned DBT skills and DBT coach. However, I am seeing some old habits resurface which worries me that he will have a setback. Son's goal is to return to college this fall. I can accept little bumps in the road but bigger bumps especially in college and he may likely not be allowed to return. I am not sure what to do-either help or let him figure it out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Good he is in outpatient DBT!  The road to health is never a straight line up.  Also, take this journey one day at a time and do not fear the future. There will be bumps ahead. Take each one at a time .   In my own story, I supported my adult son in going to college, as he really wanted to go.  He did manage to graduate, but it was rough and I had to lower my expectations ( he was on academic probation, he took off another semester, there were crises, ER visits, etc).   
 
 Your position with him depends on your values re college finances, if your son really wants to go back to school, how willing he is to seek help ( my son was not willing at all) etc etc.  However, don't let fear rule you.   we are here for you - you are not alone.

[MOBPDS]

Recovery from anything, grief, tragedy, loss, and BPD is not linear.  Stay patient and supportive.  I am very glad to hear your son is in treatment.  I hope my child will get into treatment too.  ((Hugs)

[old97]

Something Swimmy said really struck a chord with me: managing your own expectations.

For me, the breakthrough was realizing that the "normal" scale didn't apply and was only going to lead to frustration, anger, blame, etc. I'm still not completely sure what flipped the switch for me. But it led to me reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and other sources, and it led to me reading and engaging on this board.

Knowledge has been power for me in this thing. The more I learn, and the more I read posts from others, the better I am able to handle the chaos.

Please stay engaged here. Others have experienced what you're going through. You are not alone!

[Dailystoic]

Thank you for all your responses. I realize I have to level my expectations. I suppose my son will never be "normal". He never has been ever since he was little. I have to manage my own emotions. Whenever I see him have a type of thought or behavior that I consider bad, it automatically sets me into PTSD mode. I feel my son still overshares his thoughts some very personal on the World Wide Web. I feel that he is still impulsive and acts before he thinks. He is a people pleaser and needs to develop a better sense of self worth.However, if I'm going to look at things from a positive perspective, whatever feedback I have given him he has dealt with in a calm way. He will say that I should stop "catastrophizing" things. Which I believe is a DBT skill.Unfortunately, since he is home and does not have much of a social life, I am his stressor but he's managing. So I guess that's good in a way.

[KBug]

Before your son returns to college, you and he should meet with disability services.  Take documentation from his healthcare professionals regarding his diagnosis with you to the meeting.  Disability services can create a plan that will help him to complete college.  They will make a plan that his professors will have to follow.  Accommodations could include things like extended time on assignments, incompetes for classes that he can finish the following semester, testing with extended time and/or a quiet space, the ability to take a semester off if he needs to, etc. They have been a big help for my stepdaughter.