Affirmation from other "daughters"

[KBug]

Mother's Day is difficult for me. I wasn't able to have my own children, although I love kids and wanted to have my own. My partner has 3, once of who is my stepdaughter with BPD. She and I had a decent enough relationship for a while but now she's not talking to me and has been stirring up some really ugly accusations against my husband which I know are coming from her mom who also has BPD. I know that they aren't true because they are out of characters for him, the ex would have brought them up during the divorce, and the ex has a long history of trying to poison our relationship with each other and with the kids with lies that she tells to the kids (even false accusations about me).  They don't make sense for a myriad of reasons. Anyway, all this drama is making Mother's Day even more challenging for me than usual.

Out of the blue, two of my former students texted me today to wish me a happy Mother's Day and thanked me for being the mother that they needed. I really needed to hear from them today. So, for those of you who are struggling with your children with BPD, you have no idea how you might be touching the lives of other children in your life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Oh KBug  Mothers Day is difficult for you and especially this year; and you remind us - that is such a thoughtful and giving message, 'affirmation from other daughters' - lives you have touched and blessed. Let us all not forget. 

How are you and your partner managing your way through the interfering accusations?

WDx

[KBug]

Thanks for your compassion, Wendy. My partner is doing better than I am.  He has a lot more experience with all of this since his ex also has BPD. He texted DD and told her that he doesn't feel safe with her and that she cannot come over to our house until they talk with her therapist together. She said that she would arrange for him to come to her therapist with her, but I doubt she will follow through. She avoids getting challenged on her lies and behaviors. The ex has engaged in parental alienation for years, so her making highly inappropriate false accusations about me and him to the kids is not new. The other 2 siblings recognize the lies for what they are, but DD and the ex sometimes bond over the lies (this also happens with other family members). DD used to stand up to her mom about at least some of the lies, but she doesn't as much any more. My partner is willing to do what he can to support DD but he isn't going to sacrifice his mental well being.  He's willing to sever relationship with DD to keep her mother from using her as a tool to hurt him.  His marriage to the ex was deeply emotionally abusive and it caused some serious mental health issues. He's healed considerably and he doesn't feel like he can let that abuse back into his life.

It's harder for me not to take all of this personally. Intellectually, I know that this isn't really about me but emotionally I am tired and scared and resentful. I want the ex and DD to quit generating so much drama in our lives. I love DD but I don't like her right now and I definitely don't trust her. I don't want her to live with us again if she's spreading false accusations. The accusations are causing me to question my partner. They seem so out of nature for him and fact checking with family members and our therapist have also affirmed that the accusations are false. The timing of the accusations is suspect, too.  For example, when DD was sexually assaulted as a young teen, the ex told her that my partner had regularly raped her throughout their marriage. Now, we are getting married this summer and the ex is telling DD that my partner was inappropriate with her much older sister's teen friends several years ago. If this were true, the ex would have made it a big issue in the divorce (he left her) and would have tried to bar him from visitation with DD. None of this happened.  It's only coming up now that we are getting married. She's told the kids lies that I know are false because they involve me like that my partner is abusing me so they shouldn't come over to our house and that I was trying to take them away from her.

I think that we need to set some firm boundaries going forward. Boundaries have worked in the past. For example, she doesn't rage at us anymore after her dad set a firm boundary. We also have a period of alienation after setting a boundary and she moves back in with her mom. Eventually, she can't stand living with her mom and moves back in with us. This time, she has crossed a major line and we don't feel safe with her.  She can't live with us again until if and when we can trust her again.  I don't know if that will ever happen. For now, she also can't be with us unless we have other people with us like family or friends. We don't feel safe being alone with her.