Splitting children

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has your BPD ex split your child from good to bad? If so, what age was the child, and under what circumstances?

I couldn't imagine a raging BPD trying to annihilate a small child the same way I've been annihilated after splitting. I'm infinitely more equipped to handle the onslaught (one arrest and multiple criminal investigations all dismissed), but what the hell does a child do? They depend on the BPD for survival.

[BigOof]

Has your BPD ex split your child from good to bad? If so, what age was the child, and under what circumstances?

I couldn't imagine a raging BPD trying to annihilate a small child the same way I've been annihilated after splitting. I'm infinitely more equipped to handle the onslaught (one arrest and multiple criminal investigations all dismissed), but what the hell does a child do? They depend on the BPD for survival.

[WhatToDo47]

Me and my BPD wife (maybe ex wife) don't have kids, but her BPD and likely NPD mom split her and her sister frequently, which was usually yelling at her, calling her awful things, throwing, hitting, and even kicking her out of the house multiple times. And then acting like nothing happened. When I asked her mom's permission to marry her my wife, she split my wife, called her terrible things and kicked her out. She said that my wife was never welcome at their house again. A few weeks later, it was like nothing happened and we were over there for tea. She would also blame my wife for things such as BPD mom's cancer, obesity, how she had to pay to feed my wife when she was a child, etc. Obviously, this had a terrible effect on my wife, and I think it's part of the reason she has BPD herself.

I have another family member too whose BPD mother, now elderly, still splits him, berates him, hangs up on him, etc. She now lives isolated and alone because of things like this.

Hope that helps.

[WhatToDo47]

Wife's BPD mom would also split her grandkids, siblings, spouse, me, everyone pretty much. And as far as I know, she's been doing that forever and I don't see an end in sight as she thinks she's the only normal one and everyone else is crazy.

[ThanksForPlaying]

My BPDgf has S14 - she frequently makes comments to others that "kids are great but as soon as they turn into teenagers, they turn against you and turn into a******s." He's been having to make decisions lately to protect himself from his BPD mom - accurately reporting when she drinks and yells at him. For this reason, she flip-flops between mom-love and hatred for him. I've heard some theories that the splitting happens around the age that the child becomes more emotionally advanced than the BPD parent. PwBPD can no longer hide the disorder.

Of course, the reason I'm here today is because we have a 1m old who is also getting personified as an adult already - yelling at him out of frustration. It's not just normal parenting frustration - it's bpd behavior of attributing feelings to him that he doesn't have (because he's a baby). "What the f*** do you want, baby?" and "he's being an a****** today." Not a great start. I'm getting my exit plan together.

[Gdoodle]

I am not 100% if its consider splitting but My ubpdw would label my 8 year old “great kid” than few hours later “asshole something is wrong with him”. She def has shown her rage to my 8 and 4 year old and then she would blame me for being a bad dad. My older was is starting to show a lot of hate and frustration towards her and would tell me “why can she go away i hate her.” I am also planning my exit strategy because i have realized this toxic relationship is bad for everyone involved.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you all. This is very helpful, as my and my somewhat diagnosed wife (long story) were about to have children before she split me and left. I expect her to attempt a return, and I will have to consider these examples when deciding what to do.

I have seen her treat our guinea pig, dog, nephews the ways mentioned above.

[Gdoodle]

We recently got a dog for our kids. It was her idea but soon as we got the dog it became my problem and its my PLEASE READing dog when he pees and poops. She even gets jealous of the dog when i spend time with him. Also super jealous with the kids.

[WhatToDo47]

We recently got a dog for our kids. It was her idea but soon as we got the dog it became my problem and its my PLEASE READing dog when he pees and poops. She even gets jealous of the dog when i spend time with him. Also super jealous with the kids.

Yup. I can relate. Both our guinea pig and dog were impulse buys, and when they are misbehaving they are my bad/smelly/stupid animals, but when she has a need for them, they are her precious/special/best ever animals. She gets very jealous even if I take the dog for a walk. One time she even texted me in all caps and then called me asking why I choose the dog over her and if I'm ever coming back or if she should just kill herself. I was walking the dog on the same route as always and invited her to join. This kind of thing happens a lot. All of this happened before I knew about BPD, so it was very confusing for me at the time.

I know these are pets, not kids, but I imagine the pattern would continue there.

[GaGrl]

My husband and his uBPD/NPD ex had two bio children together and adopted one of her nieces from her country of origin. She functioned as a "good" and competent mother when the children were small, except that she exposed them to her lovers and DV when H was deployed.

The son has always been the Golden Child and is enmeshed with his mother. He confides to me that he cannot talk to her, but that has not changed his enmeshment. He simply spends more time with us than with his mother.

The bio daughter is the scapegoat and has endured severe verbal and emotional abuse. It started in grade 6-7 when Ex wanted an extremelyvintroverted and shy, musically talented daughter to try out as cheerleader, against her will. Beauty pageants were next. It was a test of will and control. Daughter has boundaries in place now that allow her to live in the same city with medium contact.

The oldest, adopted daughter came to the U.S. at age 14 and was never treated by her aunt as a true daughter. She crossed into physical abuse that involved CPS, and H had to come home from his Army posting several hundred miles away to help resolve the situation (wife refused to go with him to any assignment). That aunt/daughter relationship continues to be volatile -- uBPD/NPD took our four-year-old grandaughter to Texas for a "visit" last year, then refused to take her back; our daughter had to travel 1500 miles to get her daughter back. We had already helped retain lawyers -- it was ugly.

So we have three adult children who were split early on. My marriage to H was healing for them, as everyone has been open about the difficulties. But the children are damaged, no doubt.

[BigOof]

I got a Christmas present I'll never forget: Our child described DV from BPD mother on camera when asked a simple question about being happy or sad. I guess the BPD is splitting our child already.

Here goes another $50k in legal fees.

[WhatToDo47]

I got a Christmas present I'll never forget: Our child described DV from BPD mother on camera when asked a simple question about being happy or sad. I guess the BPD is splitting our child already.

Here goes another $50k in legal fees.

This is incredibly helpful and awfully terrifying thank you!

[Turkish]

My ex has tended not to exactly Split the kids, but she's lost it towards them more than a few times. Two years ago, then S9 told me that mommy called him a mother-effing byatch (the real words). I called her out on that a week later when we all had lunch just before she took a trip. She admitted it and said she was sorry and that she apologized to him.

Earlier that year, he had locked them out of their apartment, accidentally, and he couldn't stop giggling. He's ASD1 (what they used to call Asperger's). She was so angry that she bashed his knee with her coffee mug in the car on the way to her parents' to get the spare key (5 miles away). She left a mark which is child abuse under California law.

She felt so guilty that she invited me to the doctor appointment where she admitted it. The female doctor examined him and did nothing. Mandatory reporter? Given that we had CPS in our lives briefly when D was 2, I was hesitant to say anything as I was threatened by CPS that they could take away our kids, nothing to do with me or their mom at the time. That's a nuclear option, IMO.

She hasn't seemed to Split the kids like golden child, black sheep, but she's had major issues with D9 (who would prefer to stay with me and just visit her mom). Mommy has also called her a little byatch at times.

So I listen, validate, while not trying to alienate the kids... the latter being hard sometimes, but the "non" Parent needs to be very cognizant of that regardless of the other parent.