Sad email from my Dad, enabler to my BPD Mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

A little back story...
My mom recently had back surgery, I didn't check in on her (I'm trying to go NC).  Then mother's day came and went and I didn't contact her, then father's day and I didn't contact him.

About 2 days before father's day, I got a sad email from my Dad.  I never responded, here is what it said (paraphrased):

Dear B,
While I know you've said our dog doesn't get along with your dog and it tears up your yard, can you take her July 15 - Aug 9?  We don't have the $640 to kennel her, and no one else in the family wants to watch her.

Love Dad
XOXO

OK, what's missing from this letter?  The fact they're going to see my sister (likely) across the country.  The request I made of my Mom last year, was to talk to my sister who hates me.  She hates me because my Mom turned her and my other siblings against me years ago.  I said, in order for me to help my aging parents (I am the closest physically), then I would need support and respect from my siblings.

My mom ignored the request, of course.

Now this sad email from my Dad.  Also, I have spoken to my two older brothers about my parents having "no money" and they both acted like I was crazy.  They said "Mom and Dad are fine."  I said, I don't want to take their dog while they go on vacations because implied is if they get into any trouble along the way, they will be asking me for help financially!  They go to a foreign country for like 5 months out of the year.  They travel all over the country to see my younger siblings and their kids.  In my opinoin, they shouldn't be traveling if they can't afford an emergency, which is likely to happen because my Mom has a bad back.  (she is also a hypochondriac, a different issue).  Basically my parents who are in their 70's are acting like little kids.  The role reversal is real.  I am the only one who sees it, however.  Or at least will admit it.

Thoughts on staying strong and not responding to this pitiful plea by my Dad?   I really have no more words for them, I'm out of patience.  They refuse to see me, hear me, or respect My Boundaries.  Also, this is major gaslighting.

Also a reminder that I spoke to my oldest brother a few months back for about 8 hours on the phone and he was very angry and not in a good place.  I think he is drinking himself to death.  He wants to divorce his wife, he hates her and her kids.  He was very mad at me about my treatment of our Mom (no surprise, he's her flying monkey) Over the Years (not for anything recent).  So, another reason to distance myself.  It's just abuse by proxy at this point.  I feel that my siblings are just doing my Mom's dirty work now.

Thanks for listening
b

[beatricex]

A little back story...
My mom recently had back surgery, I didn't check in on her (I'm trying to go NC).  Then mother's day came and went and I didn't contact her, then father's day and I didn't contact him.

About 2 days before father's day, I got a sad email from my Dad.  I never responded, here is what it said (paraphrased):

Dear B,
While I know you've said our dog doesn't get along with your dog and it tears up your yard, can you take her July 15 - Aug 9?  We don't have the $640 to kennel her, and no one else in the family wants to watch her.

Love Dad
XOXO

OK, what's missing from this letter?  The fact they're going to see my sister (likely) across the country.  The request I made of my Mom last year, was to talk to my sister who hates me.  She hates me because my Mom turned her and my other siblings against me years ago.  I said, in order for me to help my aging parents (I am the closest physically), then I would need support and respect from my siblings.

My mom ignored the request, of course.

Now this sad email from my Dad.  Also, I have spoken to my two older brothers about my parents having "no money" and they both acted like I was crazy.  They said "Mom and Dad are fine."  I said, I don't want to take their dog while they go on vacations because implied is if they get into any trouble along the way, they will be asking me for help financially!  They go to a foreign country for like 5 months out of the year.  They travel all over the country to see my younger siblings and their kids.  In my opinoin, they shouldn't be traveling if they can't afford an emergency, which is likely to happen because my Mom has a bad back.  (she is also a hypochondriac, a different issue).  Basically my parents who are in their 70's are acting like little kids.  The role reversal is real.  I am the only one who sees it, however.  Or at least will admit it.

Thoughts on staying strong and not responding to this pitiful plea by my Dad?   I really have no more words for them, I'm out of patience.  They refuse to see me, hear me, or respect My Boundaries.  Also, this is major gaslighting.

Also a reminder that I spoke to my oldest brother a few months back for about 8 hours on the phone and he was very angry and not in a good place.  I think he is drinking himself to death.  He wants to divorce his wife, he hates her and her kids.  He was very mad at me about my treatment of our Mom (no surprise, he's her flying monkey) Over the Years (not for anything recent).  So, another reason to distance myself.  It's just abuse by proxy at this point.  I feel that my siblings are just doing my Mom's dirty work now.

Thanks for listening
b

[beatricex]

I always said my mom has alligator tears.  She breaks down crying when she wants something from me.  They're both pitiful, my Mom and Dad.

Then, when they dupe me (again) and I've finally had enough and go No Contact again, sad pleas, "I love yous" and they act like they're helpless.

There's no doubt I love them both, I cannot break away.

That's the problem.  I love them they're my parents, but I hate what they've done and are doing to me.

reconciliation may never be possible

Praying and wishing for peace for me.

b

[Sluggo]

Thoughts on staying strong and not responding to this pitiful plea by my Dad?

B,

I not very familiar with your story, but it sounds like it has been difficult.  Sorry to hear that. 

I have become harden to emails and pleas like that because I had always let them get the best of me. 

I think no response is fine.  Or you just simply say.  I'm sorry that must a really difficult situation for you.  However I am not able help. 


Either way stay strong and don't take the bait...  my 2 cents

[Turkish]

Sluggo has a good BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly Firm) response.

If you can't watch the Mutt because it causes too much trouble, you can't.

Rover.com in my area (silicon valley) averages $1300 for that time period, though a few people here charge as little as $35/ day. Maybe it's cheaper where you are? Or it might be engaging unnecessarily to search for a solution...

[beatricex]

Yes, I too immediatly went into "solution mode".

Dad, who r u going to visit (my sister).  Why not hit her up for the $640?

Dad, I will be out of town that week,  sorry I cannot watch your dog.

Dad, if u cannot afford to travel and u cannot control Mon's spending (he cannot they live in an illegal "shed") that's your problem not mine.

Any response is just getting sucked back in to the crazy void.

Anyway, I posted here so I would not respond to them!

breaking the codependency, breaking the codependency

Thanks for your thoughts, however, I'm going with my ultra BIFF response which is No response.

I should probably have mentioned my brother is violent (I haven't shared the details of that, maybe I'm even in denial about it). That alone is a reason to not engage. 

I may be slow, dense even, but self preservation is kicking in.

b

[Turkish]

How has your brother violated your safety?

[beatricex]

He hasn't directly, but I'm afraid to talk to him again after our last 8 hour convo.  The violent threats were all toward his wife and her kids.  Just reminded me of our Mom.  Bad mouth someone else in the family.  send message that "you are next if u don't get in line"

He did state that " all the women in our family are crazy."  While speaking about suicide yourself?  really bro?  and threatening his wife and her kids because she has PTSD and won't shut up about how he's a bully.

Really bizarre crazy making actually.  Sorry this convo was over  2 months ago and I'm just now processing it.

[Turkish]

I can't imagine 8 hours of that... trust your gut to stay safe.

Before I landed here, by buddy's wife gave me this book.

The Gift of Fear

Trust your gut.

[madeline7]

Love the phrase "solution mode". I have been conditioned to take care of my uBPDm's needs before anything else, so I too find myself slipping into solution mode even more now that my enabler Dad has passed away. I also realize that I go into solution mode with lots of other people too, as I my upbringing brought out the people pleaser in me. I am realizing now that finding a solution to all my Mom's problems is not my job, I am her daughter, not her caseworker. It's been a tough journey for sure.

[Sluggo]

, I am her daughter, not her caseworker. It's been a tough journey for sure

.

Madeline7,

Well said and great imagery for me.  Thank you!

Sluggo

[Mommydoc]

Totally agree with staying completely no contact.

I posted here so I would not respond to them!

If you were to respond, you open up the door, and it will probably not be good.  I think the hardest thing, is we do love our family members, and it is so tempting to believe that they have changed, will change and /or that things will be different.  There are absolutely no signs that you have shared that indicate it will be different.  So as much as you love them, you are doing what is most important and that is loving yourself by staying strong and NC.

Wishing you strength, peace and resilience.

[Methuen]

Oh B, this sounds like crazy making stuff.

Who’s dog is it?

Not your dog.  Not your problem to solve.

Dont let them play you with their dramatic little letter. Don’t be a doormat, or their rescuer.

If they just show up with the dog, personally I wouldn’t answer the door, but thats just me.  Their gonna find an arrangement for their dog - probably at the he very last minute.  Let them solve this…just don’t let the solution be you. 

Stay strong, and hold your own boundary.  Sounds lke they’ve been using you. 

N/C sounds appropriate here- at least for a while..  stay strong