Introducing myself

[Emmily]

Hi All,

I found a link to this group on the BPD parents' group on FB.  It was a relief to find a group of people who could experientially understand where I was coming from, but at the same time, very sad to see how many others are suffering because of this disorder.  My child didn't display BPD traits until her early 20s.  Prior to this time, she had been diagnosed with PTSD after some awful experiences in her middle/high school years.  Throughout her childhood and adolescence, she and I had a close and wonderful relationship, for which I am very thankful.  All that started to disintegrate when she came back after two years of college to finish her degree online.  Now we are at the point where safety issues dictate that I cannot have her in my home, which breaks my heart because I know it has broken hers, and because I cannot do anything more to help her.  I pray for her daily, and often send her resource information which I hope she will use.  But because I have laid down the boundary that she cannot come back home in the current situation, I am not sure if/when I will hear from her again.  My child is suffering, I can't help her, and the guilt is sometimes more than I can bear.   Thanks for 'listening.'
Emmily

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome and we understand.  I, too, had to have my adult son removed from my home due to violence and destruction on my property / going to court to get Emergency Psych eval and a restraining order...  Every boundary I put up, he crashed through during the 2  years he lived with me after college.  I thought since he had the stuff to graduate, I certainly would help him by having him come home to look for work.  He  just devolved rapidly.  He "coped" by drugging /boozing up.  I didn't realize the extent of his drug abuse but I learned after he left , he was on hard drugs according to all the stuff I found in his room( he always kept it locked).   The shame of it was that I told him to either get help or leave my home.  I gave him a choice.  He went crazy.  He also has a mood disorder in addition to the BPD.   His father set him up with another family member taking him in , in exchange for going to in hospital rehab.  He never went, got violent there and got himself kicked out again.

We are currently estranged due to the fact after the restraining order he made contact and soon thereafter asked me for $.  I had to say no.   

 How I have to cope each day: I see my own therapist , I go to 12 step program for families like Codependents Anonymous or Narcotics anonymous as they help me keep the focus on me.  These are free , online and happen different times of day.  There are suggested book readings in the library on this forum . It still kicks me in the gut and I am currently dealing with a health issue , some of which I am sure is caused by this stress.   However, I can assure you , you are not alone in this.  You have done all you could for your adult child.  When it gets to the point of life being threatened and them not wanting help, we just have no choice.

[By Still Water]

Hello Emmily,
   Welcome to our community, here. It is so comforting to know that others live our heartbreak, as well. Other relatives and friends with so-called "normal" kids, naturally have a hard time imagining and relating to what we go through. I'm glad you are among us. Please give yourself grace. It seems that unwarranted guilt does plague us - perhaps because of the tsunami of devaluing we get hit with, from our loved BPD children. I guess it's common to us all, when we lie awake and constantly rake over our consciences, asking ourselves, "What did we do wrong?" Please be good to yourself. You are among like hearts, here.

[akiceman]

Hello Emmily,

Welcome to the group. It is tough having your child leave and not knowing when you will hear from them again. However, please know that you did not come to this tough choice out of the blue. I am learning that everyone has the right to feel safe, especially in their own home. Prayer is important, as it is one of the things we as parents of a BPD child(ren) can have control over. Please know you are not alone in this struggle.

[Oceanfish]

I'm so glad you found this group! I visit it often. Sometimes I just read posts and in doing so find a connection that's much like holding hands while walking through a flood. Sometimes it's too painful to even read the stories that are so much like my own. The value is in the connection and in much of the advice.  I've also seen a therapist of my own and gone to Alanon meetings, which have been helpful, as an earlier post stated, in keeping the focus on me and not getting sucked into the craziness. Good luck. You're not alone.