I need help coping with my adult son with BPD

[krommenk]

Our son was recently diagnosed with conventional BPD.  He moved back in with us last November; he moved out briefly for about a month, but could not function well, could not work his regular hours and so moved back in with us.  He will be 31 this month.

We feel tension in the house all the time.  We never know when he will explode and are reluctant to approach him with anything.  My home is not the haven that I want it to be; instead, it is very stressful to be at home.  He is our oldest and our other kids and their spouses dont want to spend much time here because of the yelling and stress.

We set a boundary saying at the first sign of escalation, we will ask him to either leave the house or go down to his room (basement).  We also said we would not tolerate drinking, smoking or drugs on the premises.  I just want peace in my home (and in my mind), and to be able to gather my family to enjoy each others' company

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[losttrust]

So very sorry to hear of this and your not alone.  Im not a expert but can speak towards what I’ve learned in recent months. I’m not sure a 31 year old should be allowed to move  back home without a plan to, again move out.  I’ve had to learn boundaries. And about co dependency with my 24 year old. .  Goal is they learn to live independently.  I’m sure his ego not great living at home again.  So his goal is to find a job he can sustain.? Any 40 hour 5 days a week job.  Bag groceries whatever 8 hours a day.  What I did was tie my fiscal support to my adult sons actions.  For me this is that he attends dbt therepy and he sustains a full time job. (any full time job) I will support with X amount of dollars.  The idea is to get my son to function as an adult and with a safety net while he’s learning dbt skills and handling his laundry,  paying his bills, keeping a job.  Baby steps are huge steps for these kiddos.  They need hand holding but they won’t stretch unless forced to.  It’s worth a few bucks for peace on your home too.  Come up with a budget.  People rent rooms out.  Find a place near a store or bus stop.  Uber/lft as a plan b. And I’ve found they self regulate better with strangers.  Gift gift cards vs cash to help with the not for drug use issue. Or pay the room cost.  They pay for food / transportation.  Just some ideas.  You and your husband - extended family deserve a safe haven and peace. 

[krommenk]

Thank you for your words of encouragement.  My son does have a job 8-5 M-F.  I am recovering from shoulder surgery, so that time is my reprieve from the stress.  When he comes home, its like a black cloud descends and the house is filled with tension-- even when he's not raging. 
He has appts set up with a therapist and a nurse practitioner who manages his medication.  I would like him to get his own apt, but financially he can't do that right now.  We are working on getting there. 
When he's not raging, he is either isolating or having suicidal ideations.  Thoughts of wanting to die have become more prevalent in recent weeks and I worry that he is forming a plan. 

Hoping as we reinforce the boundaries, our home will be more peaceful--one step at a time

[By Still Water]

Hello Krommenk,
  We sorrow with you, here, for this painful living situation and your son’s turmoil. Ours is an uBPD, out on his own but in his 2nd and own estrangement from us - of whom he terms as either good parents or toxic, depending on an episode tornado.  You’ve used my exact words: a black cloud. In the midst of his rages, and even smoldering anger, it felt like our whole family was being held hostage, emotionally. An awful and oppressed feeling, I know.
  A few questions come to mind, and please forgive me if they miss the mark. Do you and your son feel that the med types and doses are effective? Second, is there any researchable info that suggests there might be an unwanted emotional exacerbation to a particular med?
   Please keep us updated. I will be thinking of you.