The worst pain of my life

[DianaKH]

My 20 year old son has BPD. My mother has it and I suffered through her as my mother without realizing she had a mental illness. As a kid you just think what you are going through is kind of normal. As an adult I realized her disorder and kept her at arms length. I am heartbroken and devastated realizing my son has this. Currently he isn’t speaking to us and I feel is going down a self destructive path. When I have spoken to him lately I am so depressed afterwards. I try to validate and listen but am working on boundaries. I have probably been too nice, too caretaking. I feel I need to basically distance myself from him for my own and my families sake. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. I remember this sweet boy. He doesn’t exist anymore and sometimes I can’t bear it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello DianaKH,

   Welcome - we are glad you’ve found us.
   Ours son is older and living independently, although he had signs in elementary school. He had been diagnosed with ADHD and OCD, so we had figured the readers, anxiety, and occasional delusions stemmed from those. He’s in his 2nd self-imposed estrangement from us. Miss him!
   Like you, I had a mom with uBPD. The raging was so frightening to us, as young children. My 4 sisters and I carry scars. She gave us many wonderful experiences, when she was not in episode mode. My reaction was to withdraw into books, not invite friends over, stay reserved, etc.
   I hope you will keep us updated.

[pursuingJoy]

welcome  I'm on month #4 of the silent treatment and I miss my kids too.

Is your son living with you or nearby? What did you learn from your experience with your mom that you can carry into this situation? What kind of support do you have?

There is a unique grief I think all mothers carry in naturally letting go of their kids as they grow. I never saw complete rejection coming and I'm struggling. Here's to better days ahead.

pj