It’s time to change and I am scared

[Tired and worn]

My BPD is my 23 year old son. Life has been hard - but I have defended and stood by him through thick and thin.
There was an episode 3 weeks ago and I reacted by saying it seems like he doesn’t care 1 iota about me and my feelings”  he has been silent since.
Today I asked him if he could explain what his point is, so I can understand what is hurting him… that was like poking the bear. 
He believe I said I don’t think he loves me and as a result he is showing what not loving me would look like.
I asked if he has ever misspoken in anger and he denied ever doing that (which may be lack of remorse or not remembering what he did say).  Then he announced that he wishes I was dead, he doesn’t love me and he is done with me.  Perhaps others have heard this many times, but to be honest, he’s never said that to me, even at the height of a rage.
I am devastated, I feel responsible for this and I don’t know how to fix it

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Tired and worn
I understand the awful situation you are in - it absolutely describes where I was at some time back.

I'm in a different space now, that is not to say it is not terribly difficult. The difference is that now I don't feel responsible.

After putting up with - I suspect - heaps of stuff from your son, you (worn down as anyone would be from dealing with a bpd loved one) dared to verbalise the feeling we all have - does our bpd loved one have ANY feelings for us.

Your son's silence was a form of abuse - a very powerful way to make you feel guilty.

This could be a watershed moment for the beginning of change. Perhaps the start would be looking at the last couple of sentences in your post, and instead of tormenting yourself about how you make it better, start to use the mantra

I did not cause this, I cannot control it, I can't cure it.

You clearly love your son very much, but another point of change for me was a list of things under a heading 'Letting go'.

Letting go means I can't do it for someone else.
Letting go means to fear less and to love more.

etc

You had every right to ask the question of your son. His response is to punish you for asking it. In other words, he needs the attention to be on him.

It will be painful for a while as you gradually withdraw your attention so that you have some energy left to attend to yourself.

I am so glad you are here. We are all on this journey and all understand the pain and distress that is part of our day to day lives.