Answering the phone

[johnsang]

Had a small incident this evening that I want to process with this forum.

Firstly, this thread was so helpful and may help guide me for my phone situation: Validation examples: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

I'm a clinician so I'm with patients nearly all of my day.  For a long time, the issue with my BPDh is not being able to reach me.  Over the years, it has now been firmly established that I will not respond immediately to my phone, and if there is an emergency, he knows how to reach me through other avenues (manager, etc). He has never had to do this.

Now this is what happened this evening.  Our 15 year old son needed to be picked up from sports practice - ending time is 6:30.  I finished work at 6 and shot out of there immediately to pick him up. I didn't turn my phone off silent.  Practice finished early - my son texts me at 6:13 - practice has finished.  He calls me at 6:19.  I'm on the highway and did not see his texts or hear the phone (as it is on silent).  At 6:22, when I've pulled off the highway and at a stop light, my husband had also texted me "answer your phone" - so I called immediately - practice has finished.  I'm on my way be there in about 3 minutes.  3 minutes was actually 6 minutes - I was there by 6:29. 

When I pick up my son, he is mad because I'm "late".

Ok - all this to say - I feel like my husband threw me under the bus.  The narrative that "you never answer your phone" was fully evidenced tonight, in his mind, and this is an example of how inaccessible and unreliable I am in regards to being responsive to the needs of him and the family.  But this narrative is being crafted to my son - so my son's point of view is being shaped. My son had been in communication with my husband - and rather than "she'll be there at 6:30" it appears the dialogue was that "we can't reach her!"

This is a small event, and no one will even bring it up again in our household if I don't, but it actually isn't a small deal as in my mind there are nuances here that I feel need to be unpacked with my son so we can detangle the experience - but before I do, insights, reflections, advice? 

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[formflier]

I hope you shut down the "late" talk?  Right?  And taught your son to express appreciation for you picking him up.


You were actually early if I see the story correctly.


Honestly...I would start letting him wait 10-15 minutes before you pick him up.  And when he complains..just be perplexed...he will eventually figure it out.

For your hubby the less you engage on this the better.  I mean..is there a chance he is ever satisfied?  So..spend your energy accordingly.



Best,

FF

[pursuingJoy]

Agree with FF on not engaging the hubby on this, at least this time.

You have nothing to feel bad about. NOTHING. If your son brings it up again remind him you were there by 6:29, one minute earlier than the agreed time. You cannot control an early release. It's not even safe to answer the phone while you're driving, especially when you're in a rush to get somewhere. Model how to be a responsible adult with reasonable expectations and boundaries, even if he can't do it himself yet.

Of course don't do what H did to you and throw dad under the bus. That has such a negative impact on kids...I've seen my husband's ex do it to him and it hurts the kids more than it hurts him.