New Orleans...

[marv1995]

I know I shouldn't have, but I looked at his Instagram for the first time in almost two weeks and saw he was in New Orleans. My heart is broken because I have always loved New Orleans and I took him there for his first time in January and he ended up loving it too. It was a place we planned on living in together. I think I'm most upset that he's there and hasn't thought about me or texted me. Stupid, I know. And I shouldn't want to hear from him. But I'm only human. I'm so upset and I feel sick. It was just something important that we shared together.

[Selfishsally]

Marv1995- I'm so sorry. Of course that hurts. If he is in a place you both care about and is special to you guys I am sure he is thinking of you. Nevertheless, stay strong and keep looking toward better days for yourself.

[B53]

I agree, he is thinking of you, that is probably why he went. My ex recently left on a road trip, that we planed to do together. I’m sad, but the thought of a road trip with a loose cannon is scary. For me, it probably would not have turned out well anyway.

Try to stay strong and take care of yourself.

[Sappho11]

(...) I’m sad, but the thought of a road trip with a loose cannon is scary. For me, it probably would not have turned out well anyway.

This.

It's perfectly normal to get caught up in our ideal visualisations of things that we wanted to happen. It might help to picture a realistic roadtrip – based on his past behaviour – and imagine all of the things that would likely have gone wrong. Would make for a good writing exercise, too.

[Selfishsally]

It's perfectly normal to get caught up in our ideal visualisations of things that we wanted to happen. It might help to picture a realistic roadtrip – based on his past behaviour – and imagine all of the things that would likely have gone wrong. Would make for a good writing exercise, too.

That is a great suggestion sappho! Speaking truth to ourselves is so important! And speaking truth about the kind of relationship you deserve!

[HopelessBroken]

Marv, I totally get this.  My ex took my immediate replacement to all of our restaurants right after the discard and posted each and every one on Facebook.  I wasn’t on FB but my friends quickly shared with me what he was doing.

He then took the next immediate replacement to the EXACT same vacation spots and posted them on TripAdvisor. I never knew I could be physically sick and in an angry rage at the same time.

It made me realize something very hurtful, to someone with BPD it’s like we are all interchangeable. It’s beyond what we can understand.

With that being said, I don’t believe they can just cut the past memories out. Meaning he would absolutely think of you when in New Orleans. But where we feel so sad we could never stomach that trip, they can and they do.

I am so sorry this is happening. You aren’t alone with your feelings this triggered. We are all here with you. And I hope he had a rotten time.

[grumpydonut]

This is pure speculation on my part, but definitely something I have been wondering about and have observed.

I think it's highly possible they take your replacement to all the same spots they took you as they are trying to erase the memory of you, while replacing negative feelings and experiences with positive ones. It's almost like they say:

"It wasn't perfect with the last one, but it'll be perfect with this one"

[Cromwell]

Triggers can set us down certain paths. Still can happen years later but the intensity for me has wore away, they don't produce the amplitude of emotional response they did during the relationship grieving stages.

New Orleans is part associated with your ex and the trip there. It is also something else of many things else that has nothing to do with him.

I hope to say this as a way of retuning the focus if you feel like letting go of a distress. There was recently an advert for a job in the seaside town we went on holiday with and initially it made me recall that. It didn't affect me much but I did briefly pause to remember. The town existed before me or my ex will exist long after both are gone. I won't let an upsetting memory of half a day encapsulate and define what the town is, I know it is indescribably far much more and the memory is just of a moment that has now since years progressed from.

Perhaps it might help to suggest to your friends that they could refrain from sharing such things with you, at this stage of your detachment, I believe it would help. Sorry to hear of the hard time your going through, it does get easier.

[HopelessBroken]

That’s super interesting Grumpy. I never thought of it that way. Trying to replace the memories. Versus me that would avoid the place to avoid the memory.