Is It Always About Them?

[bauers220]

I’m just curious … not in a narcissistic way - but does anyone else have a SO with bpd that seems to live in a world where everything is about them.  I’ll give an example:

We do nothing as a couple one on one.  The only time we ever go out, it’s with her 21 year old son who lives with us.  He has Aspergers so he’s delayed in the growing up process.  She feels bad for him not having friends or a job so I understand including him.  I would mind less if she took the time to notice my constant mentioning that we really are overdue for a date night.

Now she wants to take a mini trip out of town for a few days because she’s stir crazy.  You can guess - the trip includes her son.  Now I have children of my own but they don’t live near us.  I am planning to go see them next month - which will also give me some much needed head space.

I don’t want to disappoint her and tell her that it’s not very romantic to always have a 3rd person in every adventure. I’ve talked to her many times about feeling lonely - feeling that there is no “us” in anything.  She knows that I’ve considered leaving and seemed to agree on changes being needed so we can feel close again. 

It’s been two years with zero romance.  Honestly I don’t think that’s coming back.  I feel like I moved across country, away from my family to just be the second income so she and her son can have nice things and fun adventures…. 

Help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You ask, “Is it always about them?”

Short answer. Yes.

Longer answer. People with BPD don’t have a surplus of empathy. It sounds like what she does have is devoted solely to her son.

If you want a date night alone with her, you’ll have to be direct and ask for it. Don’t say that it’s not romantic to have a 3rd person along; just say something like “I’d love to be alone with you and take you to dinner on Saturday.”

[bauers220]

I have asked her.  She will say yes and then find a reason for us not to go. It’s happened so many times.  Or she will say she feels bad going and leaving him all alone.  No one wants to be forced to do anything so if I tell her I understand and next time we can take him like we always do - she will push. 

Things just continue to mount here. 

You say they don’t have an abundance of empathy… I’ve seen that first hand.  They actually demand it from everyone else and if they don’t see it met the way they want - then the person is bad. 

Like when I was deadly sick (not a lie) and she got mad at me. Told me I was trapping her with my illness and that she refused to go down the rabbit hole with me and coddle me.  I needed someone to take me to the ER.  She refused.  I still haven’t gotten over that.  It’s super hard because she sees no wrong in it.

[Boogie74]

It really resonates with me about being deathly ill she didn’t want to coddle you.

I have an autoimmune disease that causes severe fatigue and severe joint pain.   If I do much as tell her I’m having pain, she tells me that I only say that because I want attention and to get out of doing work.

Her family lives on a farm- and as a farming family, her teenage nephews and her able bodied brothers help the household in what ways they can.   I have trouble going down stairs and carrying heavy items.   She tells me that I’m selfish for saying “I can’t help take furniture out from upstairs- my hands and legs and feet hurt too much and I am not steady on my feet going down stairs”

[Tahoma]

You ask, “Is it always about them?”

Short answer. Yes.

Longer answer. People with BPD don’t have a surplus of empathy.

Thank you for writing this, Cat Familiar! In my limited experience, OP, what she said is, unfortunately, very true. 

Is there any way to add some kind of a perk to your request, to sort of sweeten the deal, and maybe boost your chances of getting her to say yes?