Feeling Depressed...

[SomeoneNice]

Hello everyone
For those interested in knowing my full story with my BPD ex here’s the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350453.0

Lately I’ve been getting daily dreams about my ex discarding me or my ex trying to get back with me and I’ve been struggling with depression and a strong feeling that I’ve been heavily wronged.

I, unfortunately, share my major and all my classes with my BPD ex in university and we are expected to be back on campus this week which means that I will likely have to see her.
I have checked my Microsoft Teams account today (my ex and I used to talk there after we attend our online classes which were also on Microsoft Teams) and I saw my ex’s new profile picture and it triggered something in me.

She had dyed her hair black in the picture and seems to have adopted a new look after discarding me brutally.
I keep getting flashbacks of the things she used to tell me

“I’m miserable with you” haunts me the most as I did everything I can to make her happy. She used to always tell me “I’m so happy with you” but would tell me how miserable I make her whenever she gets angry at me.
She would also tell me “All my past relationships weren’t like this” and compare me to her ex’s even though I was the only one who never left her, cheated on her, nor sexually abused her.

Now I’m just sitting here feeling depressed that after everything I did for her, I was brutally discarded and now I’m depressed and I feel like a bad person and now she met so many other guys and she is possibly in a new relationship.

The feeling of depression, the feeling of being a bad person, the feeling of betrayal by her...They’re all mixing together and it’s killing me...

[PhoenixKnight]

Sorry to hear that buddy. I know the feeling all too well. I chose not to go back to my ex after yet another discard, but it was for my own mental health rather than a lack of love. I still see her sat at work everyday and I’m besotted with her.

Similarly to what you said, my ex would say things like ‘I drag her down’, which is bull as I’ve done nothing other than trying to inspire her to be the best version of herself. I helped her get promoted, get therapy, get fit, and with her own business. When she says that to me it’s like a knife through the heart.

I honestly don’t know what I can say to make the anxiety go away, as it’s something I suffer with too. My best advice would be to concentrate on yourself. Buy some new clothes, get a new haircut, hit the gym, pick up a new hobby (guitar?), and pimp out your social media (without being obvious). The best way to feel good is to feel good about yourself. She may not say anything to you, but don’t do it for her. If she does, it’s a bonus.

I’ve written a 20 point to do list for September. Included is 22 gym sessions, walk 3 mountains, 4 yoga classes, meditate DAILY, eat clean (4 cheat days), and go out with friends I’ve lost connections with (I’m walking a mountain with a female friend on Saturday). Make this month about YOU. It’s only worth worrying about the things you CAN control.