Conflict Avoidant Family

[zachira]

I am seeing family members for the first time in over 2 years. I have come to the conclusion that the main issue in the immediate and extended family is that many family members are conflict avoidant which partially explains the 6 generations of scapegoating certain people, including me. I read a post today about a father who was described as "a manchild who was conflict avoidant" I went to therapy for many years, and I told the therapist that my main problem was that I was immature and I needed to grow up. I often had found myself in situations with people who were much younger than I and much more mature, particularly at work. I think part of my challenges with the family now is I am more mature now and not such an easy target for their dysregulated feelings. I feel like I am light years ahead of my siblings who are very childlike, as are some other family members. Last night, a cousin blew up at me over nothing, and I barely know this cousin. I just ignored her outburst and the rest of the family members in the room looked uncomfortable and said nothing. I sense that many family members are very distressed over my challenges with my siblings, and they just want me to do what my siblings want without any consideration for my feelings or hearing my side of the story. Yesterday some of the cousins visited with my siblings, and I feel that this was likely the source of my cousin blowing up when I was talking about something that really should not upset anybody, at least from my point of view.

[formflier]

I'd be curios in knowing more about the cousin blowing up at you.  What was the issue?

How would you feel about reaching out to that cousin.  "Hey...what you had to say seemed important to you yesterday afternoon.  Can we have a conversation about that?"

    for ignoring the invitation for fighting/drama.


Note:  I see these patterns you describe in FFw's family.  A mystery for me is how the scapegoats got "picked".  It's a bit of a further mystery in FFw family because while there generally is a golden child...SOLID GOLD (not FFw)...it appears random that the "rankings" change.

I compare that to my recollection of your story zachira and there seems to be "stability" in the roles played in your family.  Does that ring true to you?

Last thought:  Assuming my recollection is accurate...does that bring up two different approaches to "fixing" or "healthy"? 

1.  A family where chasing around the drama triangle is the norm (roles shift)

compared to

2.  A family where roles are fixed and anyone trying to change that role is "bad".  (again..how do those roles get picked?)

Best,

FF

[zachira]

Formflier,
You have a very interesting point of view about there being two types of families: ones in which the roles shift and the others in which the roles never change. My family is the later for sure. The golden children and scapegoats are in their roles for a lifetime. I can't get over how the golden children have no limits on doing wrong. Many years ago, different golden children at different times were the boss of a pedophile who molested endless little girls and they did not fire him. Golden children have abused their children and wives, lost large amounts of family money when settling estates much to the distress of relatives who really needed the money, etc., The scapegoats tend to be empathetic, unmarried with no children, not nearly as accomplished careerwise and generally struggle financially compared to the golden children who are mostly wealthy. It is sad yet a relief in many ways to be able to see family members for who they really are, and not for the roles they have been assigned. It really helped me to have a second cousin validate that she sees both my sister and BIL as narcissists who only value people of a certain status. The closer relatives will put both of them on a pedestal until the day they die no matter how much proof I have of the ways they have abused me, including emotional, physical, and financial abuse.
Thank you for your reply and thoughts.