Should We Break Up? Is it really about phases? Newly engaged with a BPD partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, Im Juan Barrientos, 28 from Mexico.

I'm in a sweet and caring relationship with a younger woman who recently (6 months ago) was diagnosed with BPD.

The thing with our relationship is that from the very beginning we have always been caring and loyal but in terms of our conflicts we've always been stormy and chaotic. From the very beginning we argued about almost anything she didn't like and as she wasn't diagnosed before... I thought that I was totally in a bad place and couldn't understand what had been driving her so mad at the time.

I felt that she always restrained herself (not knowing what she had) and at the end of the day she apologized and everything came back to the way it was, we shared some awesome and passionate moments and then, in a day, a week or sometimes a month she had another episode backed by something I did.

The day to day was not that chaotic. She just got mad for almost anything that upset her, from me, her family or friends, but I thought, well... that's her temperament. Or sometimes I thought well, maybe it's a mood swing caused by something hormonal.

But things got worse when diagnosed. Because I sometimes thought that now that she was diagnosed she felt somewhat empowered or with the right to respond to conflicts the way she really needed. I think that this helped her in some ways but it started to affect the relationship. I felt that now I had my back to the wall... that I couldn't scape from the conflicts and that now the boundaries I set will no longer matter because of the diagnose.

Now everything was because of the diagnose for her..., but (obviously wrong) when she had one episode, for something I was 100% sure it wasn't as bad as it was felt... I couldn't blame the disorder for obvious reasons.

So I was there, feeling anxious and completely not understood, feeling everyday like a utterly prick and baddest person on the planet, and not knowing what to do.

I tried to work this with my shrink but she had a previous personal experience with someone with BPD and was very biased telling me that we had to brake-up. I end up going to another psychiatrist and now I have more control of myself.

Two months ago we got engaged, because we love each other and I love her really much and I thought that by doing so we could be better and get a sense of our future together and I really thought that she would make a greater effort (as if she could). I know that I'm wrong and that maybe I was very early with the proposal but love and faith made me do it. (not the wrong reasons) but clearly there are things that need to be sort out.

Now, I have dilemma. I want to know if this is okay, if this have evolved bad and not just that.. I want to know if we can evolve to a healthy relationship. I know that BPD people tend to idealize their partner at the very beginning... Im conscious of that and I don't want that again I just want pure and healthy love. I want a mature and grown up relationship. I want to help her but without diminishing myself. I also want to be understood and cared about like the first months of the relationship, not just craved for attention and love.


I want help, I need help and I need to see the light.

I've read a lot on the web about the disorder but if you can recommend something else I'm open to anything.

I love my caring, sweet and beautiful girl, and I want us back.

Thanks for your time.  - Juan Barrientos

[Juan Barrientos]

Hi, Im Juan Barrientos, 28 from Mexico.

I'm in a sweet and caring relationship with a younger woman who recently (6 months ago) was diagnosed with BPD.

The thing with our relationship is that from the very beginning we have always been caring and loyal but in terms of our conflicts we've always been stormy and chaotic. From the very beginning we argued about almost anything she didn't like and as she wasn't diagnosed before... I thought that I was totally in a bad place and couldn't understand what had been driving her so mad at the time.

I felt that she always restrained herself (not knowing what she had) and at the end of the day she apologized and everything came back to the way it was, we shared some awesome and passionate moments and then, in a day, a week or sometimes a month she had another episode backed by something I did.

The day to day was not that chaotic. She just got mad for almost anything that upset her, from me, her family or friends, but I thought, well... that's her temperament. Or sometimes I thought well, maybe it's a mood swing caused by something hormonal.

But things got worse when diagnosed. Because I sometimes thought that now that she was diagnosed she felt somewhat empowered or with the right to respond to conflicts the way she really needed. I think that this helped her in some ways but it started to affect the relationship. I felt that now I had my back to the wall... that I couldn't scape from the conflicts and that now the boundaries I set will no longer matter because of the diagnose.

Now everything was because of the diagnose for her..., but (obviously wrong) when she had one episode, for something I was 100% sure it wasn't as bad as it was felt... I couldn't blame the disorder for obvious reasons.

So I was there, feeling anxious and completely not understood, feeling everyday like a utterly prick and baddest person on the planet, and not knowing what to do.

I tried to work this with my shrink but she had a previous personal experience with someone with BPD and was very biased telling me that we had to brake-up. I end up going to another psychiatrist and now I have more control of myself.

Two months ago we got engaged, because we love each other and I love her really much and I thought that by doing so we could be better and get a sense of our future together and I really thought that she would make a greater effort (as if she could). I know that I'm wrong and that maybe I was very early with the proposal but love and faith made me do it. (not the wrong reasons) but clearly there are things that need to be sort out.

Now, I have dilemma. I want to know if this is okay, if this have evolved bad and not just that.. I want to know if we can evolve to a healthy relationship. I know that BPD people tend to idealize their partner at the very beginning... Im conscious of that and I don't want that again I just want pure and healthy love. I want a mature and grown up relationship. I want to help her but without diminishing myself. I also want to be understood and cared about like the first months of the relationship, not just craved for attention and love.


I want help, I need help and I need to see the light.

I've read a lot on the web about the disorder but if you can recommend something else I'm open to anything.

I love my caring, sweet and beautiful girl, and I want us back.

Thanks for your time.  - Juan Barrientos

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ventak]

Hi Juan, and welcome to the family.  Coming to this site is a great first step on your journey... there are some great resources available and a community of caring people that have shared experiences.

I encourage you to read through the site and the forums, to help you get a feel for what your relationship will look like in the future.

To answer your question, BPD is a lifelong condition.  There are coping mechanisms through therapy and DBT that can make a dramatic difference in a pwBPD's behaviors that make relationships much easier.  It is critical that the pwBPD want to seek treatment on their own, and not many do.  This article might be relevant:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Also, many here have read and recommend the "walking on eggshells" books and the more recent book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life".

I would also highly recommend you refrain from bringing up BPD with your fiance, especially when emotions are hightened.  Generally people don't like to be reminded that they have mental health issues.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?  It is critical for the success of your relationship...

[mitten]

Welcome Juan!  You're definitely in a tough spot as it's a big decision, however you are fortunate to have the visibility to BPD before you officially tie the knot.  Many people don't learn their significant other has BPD until they are years into their relationship.  Also, if you're planning on having children together this can make the dynamic more complex, but also potentially more fulfilling.  All things to think about and you're fortunate to have the time and this forum to help you through the process.