Really confused.

[StartingHealing]

Hello all.

had a situation yesterday.  it brought up some things that I'm wondering about.  I don't know for sure that wife has BPD or something else.

Was walking our dog.  Was having a decent time.  Had a great dane that jumped a fence and came towards us.  The great dane's people were there but instead of going after the dog, without a collar or leash, they were more invested into attempting to get us convinced that the great dane wasn't attacking.

Stressful situation for sure but nothing came of it.  No physical contact happened or anything.

I had the leash on our dog, and was attempting to be in the right place at the right time, attempting to get our dog farther away, watching the great dane and what it was displaying in regards to aggression, and where the wife was.

In the verbal exchange with the other people, she brought up that she has PTSD. 

As usual, that stress triggered her in having a episode where past events were brought up, I'm the asshole, it's all my fault etc.  I didn't "defend" her from the people / great dane yet at the same time while the situation was happening she was telling me to protect our dog.  Soo, WTH?

Did realize that she is overly full of fear.  Fear of people, fear of the future, fear of what other people "think" about her. 

After she had the episode, and after the proper authorities were informed, and there were posts on certain semi-social media were made, then she was all lovey towards me. 

WTH?

I didn't take it personally but it's still hard as hell to not to.  You know?

And yes, she plays the victim really really well while claiming that she is a strong independent person. 

Before we were married I did my best to get the best sense of the person she was.  She came from an two parent home, middle class, appeared to be a decent person.  Of course there was the typical things that happen, grand parents and pets passing, brother sister crap, parental stuff and yet...

part of this is me venting.  Part is that the S.E.T. method does work really well.  It's way better now than prior.

Thanks for 'listening'

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AlwaysMean]

 

[Cat Familiar]

You did great! The not taking it personally is unfortunately a repetitive challenge, but it does become easier over time.

What comes with that skill is an ease to distance oneself emotionally, which is certainly handy with a pwBPD, but it’s disappointing to need to employ with our marriage partners.

[StartingHealing]

Thanks Cat Familiar.

For me, it sucks to have to maintain a certain emotional distance.  Finding the balance of being open and sharing while keeping a weather eye out because of the storm that could be coming.  Sigh

There are times that I wonder about things like this:

 I'm adopted, there is some major trauma associated with that.  Makes sense when you think about it.  Separating a child at birth from mother leaves some "stuff" behind, you know?  In my case, I went through an estimated 4 different caretakers before being placed in the family that finally adopted me.

I think that gives me real good understanding on the fear of being abandoned, being rejected, not being accepted, being judged and coming up lacking according to someone else, being jealous of what is perceived to be good relationships with siblings, parents, friends etc.  I admit that I'm a independent cuss, yet there are friends that I have that are more like family.

yes I am doing some comparison at the moment twixt spBPD and myself.   Attempting to make sense of a certain aspects of her actions towards me.

Maybe because I'm a guy and that has different brain wiring associated with it but to my memory, I was open and sharing with her back when we were first together.  Over the years that it has taken for her symptoms to gradually manifest, I feel that I have reduced the emotional engagement for the simple reason that it reduces the attack surface she could use.  Makes sense right? Mind that this was before I put everything together and found this place.

Yeah, she has been stating that I'm emotionally withdrawn, but that is only during her episodes. So is that statement something of actuality or something that she is using as a means to bolster her own feelings of self worth?  Or is it something like the difference in how men and women typically communicate verbally?

I reckon that I need to get to a point where the 'not taking it personal' and 'do not assume' is my default mode of being. 

That is a tall order at the moment.  I think I'm getting better at it but it does get wearisome at times.

My thanks to all that have "listened".

[Cat Familiar]

You seem to have weathered a very difficult beginning and have utilized those challenges to enhance your emotional intelligence. 

I don’t know if I’d attribute the emotional differences you’re observing to gender, though hormones definitely play a role. I see a very similar dynamic in my relationship. Like you, I was more emotionally open at the beginning, prior to the BPD signs and symptoms appearing.

In my case, a very obvious difference between me and my husband is that I’m a Thinker, and he’s a Feeler. Until I got clear on this, I invalidated him so many times by trying to provide a rational explanation while what he wanted and needed was emotional support for feeling the way he did. (I’m still not good at that, but hey, fake it until you make it, and that gets me by.)

I’ve been so utterly rational, I never realized that people often were offended by my way of trying to support them. Once I was having lunch with a friend who is a counselor. She was telling me about her latest failed relationship (she’s a repeat offender in making poor choices of romantic partners) and I tried to give her an overview of the dynamic she keeps repeating rather than a “Oh, you poor sweetie—are you OK?”

The former comes naturally to me; the latter is awkward, artificial, and uncomfortable for me.

She turned and stared at me through tears and accused me of being Aspergers. After that lunch, I began doing research on Aspergers in females, which presents quite differently than in males, and is for that reason, often undiagnosed. She could be correct, but the bottom line is that I utilize my thinking skills for more than my feelings, which can lead to much difficulty when having a BPD partner.

So, long story aside, I, like you, keep more things close to the vest than when I first got together with my husband. It was a pattern I learned growing up with my BPD mother. She would use confidential information as a weapon, and my first husband, also BPD, did the same.

Yeah, it sucks to feel you can’t fully disclose yourself to your spouse, but perhaps that happens in healthy relationships to some degree. I wouldn’t know about that. 

[StartingHealing]

Cat Familiar,

For me, I really don't know what is meant by a "healthy relationship" but I'm figuring that it's not what I have experienced.

I'm learning I reckon.  There are times tho, well, very very wearying, you know?

Thanks again for listening.

[Cat Familiar]

Here’s a good overview of a healthy relationship https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

May we all be moving toward that goal.