Will he ever split me back?

[CParent]

Hi all, I’ve been reading here off and on since the summer. It’s been incredibly helpful and I'm so grateful for you all. This spring, my BPD husband of 16 years finally went back to a therapist after going through a period of intense dysregulation. He hasn’t admitted a BPD diagnosis, but my therapist and close friends who are in that field all agree this is extremely likely.

After going back to therapy, he projected a tsunami of grief and pain onto me. Friends and family knew he wanted to divorce me before I did. He accused me of bugging his phone and other nonsense. Before I knew about his likely diagnosis, I believed it really was all my fault, that I was abusive. I turned to the church, yoga, meditation, gratitude, got a great paying job, and worked very hard with a therapist to become someone I can be proud of. Also lost over 20 pounds. All the things he claimed were wrong about me.

I now know it’s not me. I have built up so much internal self-esteem, but it does get to me sometimes. It gets better, then worse. He’s a stonewaller and has shut me out a bit for a while, but since going to therapy it’s more like the Great Wall around him and me. He’s created a separate life, secret IG account I’m not allowed to see, claiming these other friends are all that’s pure in his life and he needs to keep it separate and untainted. He’s hanging around guys in their 20s and people in bad relationships and mirroring them.

We have 2 daughters, 12 and 9. I am trying so hard to hold it all together for all of us. He gave my older daughter a panic attack when he yelled at her last week (after weeks of treating her like his FP) and has yelled at my younger daughter to “shut up” on several recent occasions. Older daughter is in therapy and I told the therapist his likely diagnosis. I don’t want to separate and have them alone with him. And I'm sad to say I still love him and hope things will improve. He sees a therapist weekly but I don’t see any change, just that he says his therapist wants him to only focus on himself and making himself happy, no one else matters (this is what he says). He’s had months of work stress and finally was laid off. I’ve been incredibly supportive, given space when I feel he needs it. My validation game is really strong now.

My question is this – does this rebound? I read Quora a lot but it all seems so negative. Is there hope of him finally coming back to me, admitting he has this (he’s admitted he has a mental illness, and I told him I will love him no matter what and I’m not afraid), getting our marriage back on track? Or am I forever discarded? There were a few times he’s said he loves me, only me, wants us to work, he’s sorry for all the pain, then he pulls away again for weeks / months at a time. Maybe we’re getting incrementally closer each time but it’s so hard to hold all this together, carry my marriage and my family on my back, improve myself, keep it together, and have not a sliver of gratitude from him, instead feel more like he’s a cranky teenager and I’m his annoying mom. I asked yesterday how he feels about me and us and he said he can only focus on 1 crisis at a time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Secret Lily]

Hi CParent, I am so sorry to read all that you have gone through, but kudos to you for remaining so strong for yourself and for your children. I can empathize with your situation, as right now I am also in a situation of severe splitting/possible discard by my uBPD husband. I feel no matter what happens, you sound like to have all of your affairs in order, you will be alright! We do all that we can to improve ourselves and to support them, but the road to betterment is really up to them! If they shut out help (or us) like that and keep getting worse cycles, we really can't do anything else. And it will take however long it takes, hopefully they can eventually see the light and make the commitment. 

As to if your husband will split you back, I think maybe you can try to see if he has a certain pattern in regards to his splitting cycles?

[NotAHero]

 Sorry to hear about the situation you are in.

 To answer your question, there is no way of telling. He has not discarded you yet, it’s a push and pull phase. Doesn’t mean he won’t. If therapy isn’t helping that normally means the BP is not being honest or is going to therapy not to actually get help but more validation to their delusions instead.  If it’s possible suggest that you participate in the therapy ( bring up the idea as you also need help ). I know you are in a place where you fear he will commit a deal breaker and unfortunately that is not outside the realm of possibilities with BP. You  can’t control it or change it. All you can do is continue to focus on yourself and your daughters.

[thankful person]

Hi cparent,
Regarding your question, I think I was split back. My wife kind of discarded me when I announced my first boundary, that I would be taking and sending baby photos to my mother (something that she had forbidden). We didn’t officially split up (and she was pregnant with our second at the time). But she said our relationship was over and for several months denied me any physical affection and would not say she loved me, only that she wanted me to leave. Then one night a bit before baby arrived she texted me, “can I tell you something?” I said yes of course. And she texted, “I love you”. Things have been better since then, and even more so since putting into place new skills I’m learning here. Sometimes I feel very hopeful. So I don’t know, but I did feel like you, wondering if it was reversible and it seems in this case it was.
Funny you mention Quora. I know what you mean about the bleak diagnosis, that bpd rarely change or choose to seek help. But on Quora, I am following some bpd spaces and they seem to be occupied by a strange species of bpd who fully acknowledge and embrace their condition and comfort each other and apologise to their partners and family for their crazy behaviour… like WHAT? They don’t seem to be the same people we’re talking about on here.

[NotAHero]

Broken Person

 The BPs you are talking about are known as “conventional BPs”. They are more prone to self blame , self harm and do usually seek help.

[thankful person]

Not a hero, that is interesting. My wife used to self harm severely mostly before we met. I thought that meant she has a similar level of self hatred to me, but I feel I was wrong, in our relationship she never seems to accept responsibility for anything being her fault.

[CParent]

"As to if your husband will split you back, I think maybe you can try to see if he has a certain pattern in regards to his splitting cycles?"

Thanks so much for your kind words, Secret Lily. I'm trying really hard to get my life on track but sometimes it's really hard to be strong. I know I need to be strong for my kids.

I think it's a great idea to track his potential triggers. He was starting to be mean to me again last week, so Friday I asked how he was feeling about our relationship in a very calm way and he said he could only deal with 1 crisis at a time. Then he went into a deep depression but was much nicer to me. He said yesterday he had panic attacks and he can't have anymore "surprise relationship discussions." I get so tired of having to take a back seat to his needs. He did later say he didn't mean to sound like he was blaming me for my question, he completely understands. Then a few hours later said he was at his lowest and thought he should go on depression medicine. I said I know it's been so hard for you and that sounds like a good idea.

Now today he's barely speaking to me, turned his entire body away from me when I put the girls in the car for school, and I can feel the intense anger coming off of him. Back to not wearing his wedding ring. It's so exhausting. The cycles are overwhelming.

[CParent]

"If therapy isn’t helping that normally means the BP is not being honest or is going to therapy not to actually get help but more validation to their delusions instead.  If it’s possible suggest that you participate in the therapy ( bring up the idea as you also need help )."

NotAHero, I think you perfectly articulated here what I've been thinking. He tells me the strangest things that he claims come from his therapist, mainly that he needs to be selfish and stop caring about other people. That his therapist had an emotionally abusive wife (surprise, his therapist thinks the same of me), now they have a great divorce and his kids are so happy. He and his therapist text each other. Used to say his therapist was the only person who cared about him. It's a really strange relationship.

"I know you are in a place where you fear he will commit a deal breaker and unfortunately that is not outside the realm of possibilities with BP. You  can’t control it or change it. All you can do is continue to focus on yourself and your daughters."

You're so right, worrying about it and thinking about it won't change whether or not it happens. It's happened before and he was never this outwardly angry to me. We've been through so much together in almost 20 years, but I've never seen him so volatile. I guess I can no longer assume anything is outside the realm of possibility.

[CParent]

"Things have been better since then, and even more so since putting into place new skills I’m learning here. Sometimes I feel very hopeful. So I don’t know, but I did feel like you, wondering if it was reversible and it seems in this case it was."

Broken Person, I'm so sorry to hear you went through something similar but very happy to hear that it seems to have reversed for you. It sounds like it was a tough time but I'm glad it is working out. He's split on me before, not that I knew then what was happening, but it wasn't to this extent.

"Funny you mention Quora. I know what you mean about the bleak diagnosis, that bpd rarely change or choose to seek help. But on Quora, I am following some bpd spaces and they seem to be occupied by a strange species of bpd who fully acknowledge and embrace their condition and comfort each other and apologise to their partners and family for their crazy behaviour… like WHAT? They don’t seem to be the same people we’re talking about on here."

I know what you mean! There's a load of negativity out there, but there are some people who are incredibly insightful and really help me. Since he hasn't admitted a diagnosis to me, and barely speaks to me about much, it helps to read what's going on in other people's heads so I can better understand him. Though my therapist tells me to just imagine how positive of an impact it would be if I spent half as much time researching how to help myself as I do trying to understand him.

[ILMBPDC]

Funny you mention Quora. I know what you mean about the bleak diagnosis, that bpd rarely change or choose to seek help. But on Quora, I am following some bpd spaces and they seem to be occupied by a strange species of bpd who fully acknowledge and embrace their condition and comfort each other and apologise to their partners and family for their crazy behaviour… like WHAT? They don’t seem to be the same people we’re talking about on here.

My daughter is one of these - not that she's on Quora, but she is very well regulated and quite self aware. She does still have her issues - most of what we, her loved ones, see is an emotional 0-100mph when she does have a BPD emotional spiral. I have had some very good conversations with her while I have been healing and dealing with my BPD ex and she has had some amazing insights.

One thing I have learned is that she still has almost all of the same BPD thoughts that she did before DBT therapy but she is much more aware of them and has tools to help herself deal with it. I'm sure its probably the same with the online BPDs.  BPD can be helped - I'm not 100% sure it can be cured but sufferers can be helped IF they want to be and if they work at it.

[thankful person]

CParent, I’m not “allowed” to have a therapist (my wife doesn’t want me to and I’m not ready to challenge this just yet), but I have been learning so much here as well as secretly reading. I am learning to put myself first, it is so important.
ILMB thanks for the insight. It was a real aha moment for me what you said about your daughter. I’m going to write a post about it.