Another new day

[Depression = 72% of members]

Another new day and today I feel brighter. Yesterday I just let myself ‘feel’ it. The sadness, the paranoia of new people replacing my role, the emptiness, the inherent clinging to ‘her’schedule though we are apart. Lost around those times when I’d wake her for work or snuggle when she came home. I reread all my posts again last night and what a help that was. To see all the little things I forgot that happened between the big things that I wish I could forget. So much maintenance my relationship required. Hard to believe it took that much and I chose to ignore that as well. I see better now how there was constant pushing and pulling. The more I read and learn the more I see how every behavior of my partner is textbook Bpd. I read somewhere where someone explained how their partner didn’t talk about Bpd but did mention anxiety problems. It made me aware that my partner downplayed her Bpd. She knew more then she let on and how what I watched over the year was not a couple episodes: the whole year, day after day was one big episode. The things that at times I saw as kinda cute I now see are one in a long chain of coping mechanisms. Her hyper sexuality, constantly checking in with a daily ‘everything is okay right?’ That she would say: all signs point to the disorder. In a way I do wish I could say:”yeah, she has Bpd but we learned to manage it” but in my posts were reminders how she promised to work on things in therapy but didn’t follow through. Reminders of how there was so much text flirting, dating apps, etc and how I too lost my confidence and self esteem, constantly feeling like at anytime someone new might enter the picture. I forgot what healthy relationships were like and accepted the weight of the ‘work’ as I held out for a little more hope. But now I see, I was constantly doing that. Constantly hoping for a future where it all lines up and she realizes I am the one for her in this world. I have said it before: ‘but she called the police on the man who put new shoes on her feet for work, rubbed her feet daily, gifts every holiday, ginger molasses cookies from scratch that she loved so much. That is who was placed in the crosshairs that night. All the goodness and kindness and love and how she through it all away based on an untrue narrative. I didn’t try to argue or fight when it all went down. I wanted to. I wanted to say ‘how could you think I would mess around with anyone when you know I love you beyond measure’ but it felt useless, worthless, hopeless and I think I was just too burnt by then. It’s hard getting used to not loving her but I look forward to one day being loved back, unconditionally, without the little ‘digs’ and ‘insults’, without the madness and constant analysis…in a way I feel I failed because I really thought I could do it, I thought I could make it the long haul and she tempted me to try and promised we could but I realize it was just talk and the very little bit she threw to me to inspire such hope. I haven’t found too many posts that talk about police involvement but the couple worked through it. I would love to see examples just out of curiosity. I’m setting my sites forward but it helps to read about these types of scenarios. Makes me feel less alone, but the real reason I want to read that is to see do people actually recover the relationship after their partner calls the police? If so how did they reestablish trust? Again, not to sound conflicted, I must move forward. If I were a different person I maybe would hold on to hope for fixing it but I do truly feel that I still have a lot to offer the world and being just one person’s ‘caretaker’ rather than actual loved partner would just not grant me the time, energy, want nor ability to do so. I played my guitar for hours yesterday. Worked through the thoughts in my head and if they came I played and played….today I woke up bright and actually smiled!

[Firsttimefather]

Another new day and today I feel brighter. Yesterday I just let myself ‘feel’ it. The sadness, the paranoia of new people replacing my role, the emptiness, the inherent clinging to ‘her’schedule though we are apart. Lost around those times when I’d wake her for work or snuggle when she came home. I reread all my posts again last night and what a help that was. To see all the little things I forgot that happened between the big things that I wish I could forget. So much maintenance my relationship required. Hard to believe it took that much and I chose to ignore that as well. I see better now how there was constant pushing and pulling. The more I read and learn the more I see how every behavior of my partner is textbook Bpd. I read somewhere where someone explained how their partner didn’t talk about Bpd but did mention anxiety problems. It made me aware that my partner downplayed her Bpd. She knew more then she let on and how what I watched over the year was not a couple episodes: the whole year, day after day was one big episode. The things that at times I saw as kinda cute I now see are one in a long chain of coping mechanisms. Her hyper sexuality, constantly checking in with a daily ‘everything is okay right?’ That she would say: all signs point to the disorder. In a way I do wish I could say:”yeah, she has Bpd but we learned to manage it” but in my posts were reminders how she promised to work on things in therapy but didn’t follow through. Reminders of how there was so much text flirting, dating apps, etc and how I too lost my confidence and self esteem, constantly feeling like at anytime someone new might enter the picture. I forgot what healthy relationships were like and accepted the weight of the ‘work’ as I held out for a little more hope. But now I see, I was constantly doing that. Constantly hoping for a future where it all lines up and she realizes I am the one for her in this world. I have said it before: ‘but she called the police on the man who put new shoes on her feet for work, rubbed her feet daily, gifts every holiday, ginger molasses cookies from scratch that she loved so much. That is who was placed in the crosshairs that night. All the goodness and kindness and love and how she through it all away based on an untrue narrative. I didn’t try to argue or fight when it all went down. I wanted to. I wanted to say ‘how could you think I would mess around with anyone when you know I love you beyond measure’ but it felt useless, worthless, hopeless and I think I was just too burnt by then. It’s hard getting used to not loving her but I look forward to one day being loved back, unconditionally, without the little ‘digs’ and ‘insults’, without the madness and constant analysis…in a way I feel I failed because I really thought I could do it, I thought I could make it the long haul and she tempted me to try and promised we could but I realize it was just talk and the very little bit she threw to me to inspire such hope. I haven’t found too many posts that talk about police involvement but the couple worked through it. I would love to see examples just out of curiosity. I’m setting my sites forward but it helps to read about these types of scenarios. Makes me feel less alone, but the real reason I want to read that is to see do people actually recover the relationship after their partner calls the police? If so how did they reestablish trust? Again, not to sound conflicted, I must move forward. If I were a different person I maybe would hold on to hope for fixing it but I do truly feel that I still have a lot to offer the world and being just one person’s ‘caretaker’ rather than actual loved partner would just not grant me the time, energy, want nor ability to do so. I played my guitar for hours yesterday. Worked through the thoughts in my head and if they came I played and played….today I woke up bright and actually smiled!