Anybody awake for some quick support?

[Firsttimefather]

Ok 3 days since last contact (was NC but we share a lease so I gave in thinking it was house related) For those that don’t know about 20 days ago my partner made false DV police call on me but the police saw it was not warranted and I was not arrested, nor they but I walked away…
 Okay tonight so far: 7 phone attempts and 4 texts from gf..one was ‘problem here’ ‘911’

Do I respond? I want to but I also don’t want to be abused. Thoughts? Support? Suggestions? Really appreciate it

[SinisterComplex]

Don't react. You are being hyper vigilant as it is. This is common as you have been a victim of abuse. Don't buy into the drama and don't feed the beast. Worry about you. If you go against the grain you will pay for it dearly. Be very careful here and don't start talking yourself into the idea that you are the hero and you have to play hero. NO. NO. NO. And for good measure...NO AGAIN!

Think of it like a phone, texting, email scam. She is playing the fisherman with some very enticing bait...don't be the overzealous monster fish that she reels in to feed her village. Ignore and preserve thyself.

For the record FTF...I have followed, but haven't said much yet. One thing I will say...to help make your responses more concise...try to consolidate them into one thread and have breaks in your responses.

For example, see what I am doing here...follow the same template. Paragraphs...much easier to decipher your thoughts and get all the information.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you for your response. Got it! And thanks for the suggestion.
I will make a better effort:)
I do agree, my hyper vigilance is seething. Thanks again. Huge help.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for your response. Got it! And thanks for the suggestion.
I will make a better effort:)
I do agree, my hyper vigilance is seething. Thanks again. Huge help.

FTF, all you can do is learn and keep trying to improve. It's all good. Believe me I will certainly help point you in the right direction. Right now I can tell you are very vulnerable. Just realize that your behaviors and responses are actually quite the norm for someone who has been abused and tormented. Don't over think things. Also use this resource as much as you need to. You are going to feel needy for a while...it's ok. It is better that you vent instead of trying to hold everything in. You are not alone.

This family is a great support group. We have your back.

Anyway, try to find something else you can put your mind on. Something you have some passion for that you can lose yourself in or immerse yourself into and it has to be something productive. Nothing that can lead to a destructive addiction. The idea is replacing the addiction you have right now with something else that can stimulate you in a similar, but positive and productive way. Make sense?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you and yes it does make sense. I have reengaged  with my music. Today was very busy in two different jams, started writing new songs, tomorrow back to the gym and some work stuff with my work partner.
 Thank you for pointing me. Yes I’m vulnerable and needy. I am still very in love with someone that I can’t be with, shouldn’t be and won’t be. Horrible place to be, trauma bonds and all. I know there is no hope for saving this relationship, no peaceful and positive future even if today were better. I do know it feels better to not respond to my ex.
 I am so glad I found this place.

[grumpydonut]

If you respond, you'll be one of the many posters that have come and gone to and from these boards who only live to regret it later.

In two years on this forum, I am yet to see one happy ever after from re-engaging with a BPD ex. And your ex is higher on the borderline continuum (aka, more dangerous) than many others.

Also "911" is a great example of how she is trying to appeal to your empathy in order to manipulate you for her own desires. Don't be surprised, or react, if she soon sends you a suicide threat.

[jaded7]

Thank you and yes it does make sense. I have reengaged  with my music. Today was very busy in two different jams, started writing new songs, tomorrow back to the gym and some work stuff with my work partner.
 Thank you for pointing me. Yes I’m vulnerable and needy. I am still very in love with someone that I can’t be with, shouldn’t be and won’t be. Horrible place to be, trauma bonds and all. I know there is no hope for saving this relationship, no peaceful and positive future even if today were better. I do know it feels better to not respond to my ex.
 I am so glad I found this place.

I've been following along too. I can recognize and sense your fear and neediness and grasping. This is not a criticism, it's a validation. I've been there and am still there. These boards can be life saving- just knowing that someone is out there who can see and validate your experience and feelings is important. The way our partners have pushed/pulled us is pure intermittent reinforcement that creates a deep trauma bond. The way they have devalued us (name calling, yelling, ghosting, etc.) has hurt us deeply and confused us.

Very often, validation is the exact thing our partners couldn't/wouldn't do for us if we tried to bring up our feelings. So we can do that for you.

I've been playing guitar for over 30 years by ear- only chords and songs on acoustic guitar and never electric guitar soloing. I knew no music theory and no no scales or anything. So I got a Strat last year and have spent almost every night learning the puzzles of the pentatonic scales and practicing them, learning the circle of 5ths and just generally being amazed at the way the guitar is laid out. It satisfies my scientific mind to learn all these patterns and how they relate to each other.

I highly recommend deeply engaging with you guitar and music again. It's been absolutely the thing that got me through my hardest hours- typically around 5pm to 8pm, at which point I allow myself to take my anti anxiety medicine and retire to book reading until I'm tired. It's been a lifesaver.

Prior to the antianxiety medicine, I was sleeping maybe 1 or 2 hours a night, and had lost over 10 pounds because I couldn't eat.

[Firsttimefather]

Thanks for your reply. My partner/ex after a night of many phone calls, finally her mother reached out. My ex has offered to go to therapy, make a report to the police regarding her borderline behaviors if need be. She apologized and recognizes she did wrong, overreacted. I don’t know what to do.
 As far as guitar thank you for sharing your story. Yes music has been there my whole life and it is always a big help. I’m in between a lot of thoughts and conversations going with my supports right now but want to connect with you more on this topic.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for your reply. My partner/ex after a night of many phone calls, finally her mother reached out. My ex has offered to go to therapy, make a report to the police regarding her borderline behaviors if need be. She apologized and recognizes she did wrong, overreacted. I don’t know what to do.
 As far as guitar thank you for sharing your story. Yes music has been there my whole life and it is always a big help. I’m in between a lot of thoughts and conversations going with my supports right now but want to connect with you more on this topic.

So FTF, do not make any impulsive decisions. Patience is key here. However, let me ask you what do you want to do? What do you want to happen? What are you actually going to do (I say this because you most likely have an idea in your head, but you are looking for reassurance it is ok to proceed)?

No one can tell you what to do. It is your call. However, can you identify what is in your best interest? Additionally, what do you think is going to happen?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Firsttimefather]

SC, thanks and yes. Patience. I have my apprehensions. We have discussed this police matter more in depth. I believe her on how she feels about it: she overreacted, she also mentioned the police told her : look next time we come one of you will be arrested. They spoke to me before leaving and addressed that they knew I did nothing wrong etc.
 Anyway, all I can do is think on it right now. I would love to believe we can overcome and the offers to work on it are tempting. We discussed the disorder’s symptoms and how they relate to what happened. (She is diagnosed and aware of her Bpd) . I can identify : I want to be and feel safe, I want to trust and be trusted, I know we need a solid support structure/group around us so that must be addressed.
 Are there stories where police matters happened but only once in the relationship? I also recognize I need to consider: 3 yrs,5 yrs, children, etc.

[grumpydonut]

FTF,

When my ex w/ diagnosed BPD cheated on me, she had her mother to call me to explain how out of character it was and that I should give her another chance because she loves me so much. Meanwhile my ex was begging for me back under the threat of suicide.

Guess what...9 months later she left me for the person she had cheated on me with.

I know I'm blunt, but a lot of us here choose to live in a fantasy land and do not accept the reality staring us in the face. If you make that decision, there is a very strong likelihood you're going to be in a far worse place later on. She falsely called the police on you. You could be in jail because of this woman...and she didn't show true remorse to you. You even said she justified it.

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you Grumpo! (You are my favorite name/alias) I never eat donuts, but glad to have one in my day today.
 Wow what a story. My exes mom says: I think you guys are and should be done but that ‘triangle’ it appears isn’t totally transparent in its knowledge, and I have exposed that a bit I guess.
 Yes the police thing is so big! When she was still very deregulated she did that ‘justifying’ it. That’s different today. Now she divulged also that she overreacted, made a wrong choice and it scared her realizing that what she did could really have messed up both our lives. This does not though negate the fact she did call etc…
 As it stands I’m playing a lot of guitar and thinking through it. My thoughts are more so on ‘me’: What do I want, need, boundaries etc.
 I’m just gonna take a lot of time to think it through. I thought that maybe FaceTime may be a good alternative to in person talking for now.

[grumpydonut]

Donuts are one of my favourite things, haha.

Yes, but that's the point isn't it? She has borderline, so there are ALWAYS going to be times when she dysregulates. The difference with your ex is that she will go to levels that many others won't - and that makes her far more dangerous than the average BPD or those who only have some traits of BPD.

[Rev]

Hey FTF,

Good for you for reaching out here - I just want to add a bit of wisdom that came from a my mentor - herself a recovered addict from way back - who reminded me of one thing:

Rev, you can't have just a little bit of heroin.

She would repeat that to me over and over.  And one day, she didn't. That was the day that I made the mistake of answering the phone. My ex was desperate that night. Like yours, she is high up the BPD scale and dangerous when volatile. I now have a cease and desist.  Anyway, I digress.

That night she was desperate. In one conversation she went from trying to negotiate something in our separation agreement, to trying to arrange a meeting between to the two of us, to trying to lure me back, to threatening me and my reputation. I had held my ground for close to three months.  And in one 30 minute phone call, it almost came apart. I was so scared that I never contemplated speaking with her again.

Rev ... you can't have just a little bit of heroin.

That night was the last time I needed to hear those words.

Hang in there.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you Grumpo! (You are my favorite name/alias) I never eat donuts, but glad to have one in my day today.
 Wow what a story. My exes mom says: I think you guys are and should be done but that ‘triangle’ it appears isn’t totally transparent in its knowledge, and I have exposed that a bit I guess.
 Yes the police thing is so big! When she was still very deregulated she did that ‘justifying’ it. That’s different today. Now she divulged also that she overreacted, made a wrong choice and it scared her realizing that what she did could really have messed up both our lives. This does not though negate the fact she did call etc…
 As it stands I’m playing a lot of guitar and thinking through it. My thoughts are more so on ‘me’: What do I want, need, boundaries etc.
 I’m just gonna take a lot of time to think it through. I thought that maybe FaceTime may be a good alternative to in person talking for now.

So FTF what questions are you asking yourself? Elaborate here. Put your thoughts out there...writing or typing them out will also allow you to reflect and make sense of things while getting feedback from the Fam here.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Firsttimefather]

SC
1.How can I ever trust she won’t call the police again?
        A.I’ve identified a pattern. “The last guy’ had 2 calls
        B. The threats (emotional blackmail/blackmail)
        C. She does want the house. It’s an easy way to
             Achieve that and ‘it’s all about her’
         D. If I walk this all goes away. What a burden to lay down

  2. Doesn’t it only get worse from here? The cycle begins again
      Yes? And now won’t she be knowledgeable of all these new
       Weaknesses and secrets uncovered by interrogation?

   3. What does this look like in 5 years?(the ‘co                parenting/divorce/custody boards? —hopefully I didn’t come of offensively here..) but children? Marriage?
     
     4. As this unfolded I considered the repeat of this cycle. I
         I started planning things like: money aside for a hotel?(she
         will think I’m cheating.)
         Would my life become a better packed bag at the door
         Ready for the next dysregulation?
      5. Hasn’t it already nearly hit the ceiling? ( The police thing
          Again.) maybe if not that, I could entertain another cycle
          Armed with my new knowledge, my new expertise)
          But haven’t too many traits shown in this cycle? Doesn’t
           That elude to an unhealthy relationship?


     ***That’s a few. I spoke with my friend the psychotherapist
      Today. He said’its done, thank her for releasing me’
      I will do another thread on what he said. Great advice for
     How to deal with the dysregulation and accusations. His
      advice was the nail in the coffin so to speak.

[Firsttimefather]

Sorry, the format fell apart when posted:(

[SinisterComplex]

Sorry, the format fell apart when posted:(

Hey FTF...no need to apologize. It still works just fine. I can work with that just fine. The breaks in between help. Just wanted to let you know that. I'll wait to respond when you post your new thread.

Now please do me a favor that is actually for yourself. Give your mind a break. Rest if you can. When you post these things I will continue to draw as much out of you as I can on purpose. I want you to relax and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

Now please do me a favor that is actually for yourself. Give your mind a break. Rest if you can. When you post these things I will continue to draw as much out of you as I can on purpose. I want you to relax and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

This is good advice. Plain and simple.

Rev