Cannot stop obsessing, missing the "good" her and the early times

[mblack107]

Hi-

First post here. I am coming out of what has been a long and complicated relationship with a woman who I think has undiagnosed BPD (at least that's what several therapists have guessed based on what I've told them has happened).

We dated years ago and she was pretty awful to me many times. Blew up at me and was unable/didn't want to work through fights. Eventually we parted ways. Last year she reached out and wanted to apologize for how she treated me. Within a day she was infatuated with me again, came on very strong, idealizing me and wanting to see me all the time. I was nervous and hesitant, having been burned so badly. So we took it slow. Eventually started sleeping together. Then I guess she grew tired of waiting for me to come around. Said we worked best as friends, just as I was starting to feel comfortable enough to try going all in.

But we continued to talk nearly every day. Felt very close, very attached to each other. Then she started treating me badly again. Picking fights over small things, having disproportionate reactions and always telling me the things I did wrong. She'd blow up at me and then not speak to me for weeks. Eventually I told her I wanted to go all in, she said she'd think about it, proceeded to send me nude photos and once even flashed me in public, only to reject me and make jokes about it being gross when I told her I liked it. I once mentioned I was in the shower when I missed her call and she responded, "Ew, gross." Then later said it was just a joke when I asked her about it.

Finally we got into another big fight, she kept pushing my buttons and attacking my character,  and I got really angry and yelled (something I don't usually do), not at her, took several steps away and yelled to the heavens, then immediately apologized and told her I just needed to discharge that anger that had come up. She started crying, ran away, and later said it traumatized her very badly and broke something. Then later said that that fight is what made her realize we couldn't work together.

She also told me she had been on a few dates with someone, but that they weren't officially dating.

She'll reach out but then disappear when I try to connect with her. But then she facetimed me on Christmas and invited me to play games online with her mom. It all feels very confusing, which is part of what is driving me crazy.

And I saw that this new guy is liking her instagram posts. I know I probably shouldn't be looking but it feels so compulsive. In my head they're in love and spending every minute together, even though I have no way of knowing what's happening there.

Bottom line is I can't stop thinking about her. I think about her almost every waking minute. I miss the "good" her from back in the day, and wish so much I could get her back. Have a second chance. I don't know how to stop obsessing, but the bottom line is I hate the person I have become in this dynamic. I feel pathetic and needy and I don't like it.

Thanks for reading this screed. Any helpful thoughts or support would be much appreciated.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome mblack107,

I'm glad you found our site. There are lots of other members here that can certainly relate to what you are going through. There is so much confusion in the relationships we have with a pwBPD.

Here is a link that I thought might help to answer some of your questions about why it hurts so much: The Biology of Breaking Up

Are you able to relate to any of the article?

Wools