In-Law family dynamic

[offthepedestal]

Hi,
I had previously signed up due to a romantic relationship with someone I suspected as BPD.  I am currently recognizing the same relationship styles/challenges in my DIL and her family.  I have been painted black and my DS is focused on trying to make his wife and her family happy, so I am not very hopeful.  They don't seem to have any boundaries and are very enmeshed.  Has anyone successfully navigated this?  I try so very hard to not trigger or do anything wrong but it is inevitable, especially when they seem to be very unaware of their projecting their issues onto me.  I am trying to validate their feelings (SET) and finding some aspect of what they say to be true to work on, and try to address wrong assumptions that are needlessly upsetting them about me, but it is hard to be hopeful.   Thank you for all who have posted here.  Though it's hard to understand how this can happen so much, I really appreciate all the expertise and compassion that is here... it is very helpful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[offthepedestal]

Hi,
I had previously signed up due to a romantic relationship with someone I suspected as BPD.  I am currently recognizing the same relationship styles/challenges in my DIL and her family.  I have been painted black and my DS is focused on trying to make his wife and her family happy, so I am not very hopeful.  They don't seem to have any boundaries and are very enmeshed.  Has anyone successfully navigated this?  I try so very hard to not trigger or do anything wrong but it is inevitable, especially when they seem to be very unaware of their projecting their issues onto me.  I am trying to validate their feelings (SET) and finding some aspect of what they say to be true to work on, and try to address wrong assumptions that are needlessly upsetting them about me, but it is hard to be hopeful.   Thank you for all who have posted here.  Though it's hard to understand how this can happen so much, I really appreciate all the expertise and compassion that is here... it is very helpful.

A couple of things I have wondered about.  One is, my son and I have previously enjoyed a close relationship.  It's possible my DIL might feel uncomfortable about this, though I have good boundaries and he has always been quite independent.  I.e. They have encouraged me to interact in ways that IMO aren't as respectful of them (dropping by unannounced, having him be my handyman, etc.) and I have explained I would rather not and would prefer making plans.  She is on the spectrum, and from what I have read, there are some linkages there with BPD.  I would like to continue to have a relaxed, friendly relationship with him (and her), but it seems like if I am less personal with him, it goes better with her.  I am not sure what to make of that.

They don't like to make plans, though.  If we are making plans, and they take the lead, and I ask a clarifying question, they will usually answer quickly if interested, or just ignore it for a day or so or indefinitely if not.  It almost feels like getting a texting silent treatment.  This may not necessarily be a BPD thing, just wondering how do people handle this.  There have been times when it has taken 3 weeks before receiving a reply.  I have other things going on, and just focus on those, but it can be rather frustrating.  Thank you in advance for any suggestions.

[Swimmy55]

Thank you for your post.  Detaching with love is difficult .  I am currently estranged from my adult son.  I have actually become physically ill with worry and recriminations on my part ( what could I have done differently, etc?).   What is helping me is actually attending 12 step programs for families. In my case, I attend Nar-anon ( son deep into drugs and self medicating).  My focus is re routed back to me.  Self care is also essential.  What are some ways you do this?  Some suggestions could be yoga, meditation, etc.  It is so frustrating we can't go in there and make them "see the light".  However, we can treat ourselves with compassion.
It seems you are on the right track in preserving your boundaries. 

[offthepedestal]

  Hi Swimmy55!

Thank you for your reply, and I am sorry for what you have experienced and are now experiencing.  That's great you are doing something physical like yoga to counteract the toll on your body that dealing with such pain takes.  Thank you also for your encouragements and suggestions.  I do notice a huge difference when I focus on what I can control and disengage from what I cannot.  I went to a couple of Al Anon meetings that a friend of mine led a while back to deal with my NPD (possibly uxAPD) former spouse and I learned a good bit from even just a few meetings.  I will think about going again.  I also do yoga, prayer, and art (music and painting), hiking, volunteering, being with my pets and time with friends is huge, though I am only candid with a couple so it hopefully doesn't come back to haunt me.  Right now, I am starting to focus on what gives me joy, what goals I can set and work towards that would help me be me.  I am thinking that might be very useful to counteract the "false" me that is being painted over me.  Kind of like painting a beautiful mural over hateful graffiti.  They can still paint me black or whatever it is, but I can paint over it.  I figure that trying to wash it away by trying to forget it won't work for me.  I will try to forgive, but that will come and go in layers, but forgetting will likely not happen.  Like paint in the sun, it will hopefully fade, but doing things every day to remind me of who I really am, with definitive bright colors over the graffiti  is probably the route for me.