Adult Children and Their Mom are BPD

[L0655]

   My adult daughter will not communicate with me. Requests to visit my grandchildren are often ignored, refused, or delayed for a "better day". When I do visit anything I say is a trigger for disagreement and a disrespectful argument.
I was also told that the kids are outside, that's where you should be, by my son-in-law when I was having a short conversation with my daughter.
   I am tired of visiting. My daughter's Mother is BPD/Historic and has a strong influence over my daughter, BPD/Narcissistic. I have become the scapegoat and feel trapped in this role with my daughter, son-in-law, son, and their mother. Proactive techniques change nothing.
    I want to distance myself from these toxic people. I am not the person that they have defined me as. It will hurt to remove myself from their arena but I feel it is the healthiest decision for me at this time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Lo655 and welcome here. I can hear the tiredness in your voice. I have to say that, after the last few weeks at my place, I would give anything to be able to step out of my situation.

I think I would like to be in a position where it was left to my dd to contact me. The problem I have is that she and gd live with me and have nowhere else to go.

You seem to have tried very hard to keep a contact and are being treated very badly. So I suppose the options are:

Do you just fade - ie it seems it is you who make the contact to see if you can visit. So one option is to just stop doing that.

Or do you phone and say you have picked up that it's not that convenient for you to visit at times, so you are happy for them to contact you when a visit could be arranged.

I suppose it depends on whether you want to leave the door open to see them in the future. If so, I think trying to put things in a way that puts the onus on them and leaves the door open.

It will take time to adjust to the new situation, but after a while . . . . . freedom awaits!