Alanon style support groups

[hands down]

Please forgive me if this is easily discoverable but I cannot seem to get the search to work. And after hours…. Months honestly - of google searches, I cannot seem to find something equivalent to an Alanon group for BPD survivors.

Is there such a thing? I know this forum exists that way, in text but I’m wondering if there’s a zoom or a sponsors type scenario.  I need a friend to listen, I’ve been run over so bad, this is my 2nd BPD and my 3rd clusterB. #1 married out of college, felt I was doing the “lords will”. Divorced her after 17yrs and she’s brainwashed my kids that I’m gay (so what if I even was) that I’ve been abused and in a drug addict. They won’t speak to me, my 2nd was an affair with a BPD that had me facing 6years in prison because she convinced the local PD I had a mafia hit on her. 

My last fiancé just didn’t come home one evening. Yes. Love bomb 3 month relationship turned to fiancé. Then gone. Then blocked then fake accounts and other strange stalking.Then tried to turn the tables in me with sherif and DVRO due to my past allegations - all were thrown out but it still hurts.

Anyhow. Really would like to talk to someone that has similar experiences of possible - #1 #2 have healed virtually 99% with a lot of time and therapy. #3 is still so fresh. Hard to believe I’m here again with a bleeding heart for someone who made it bleed

I don’t need education (at least I feel). I’m very cognitive and have read just about every book about ClusterB, psychopath, high conflict etc. I’ve had years of healthy therapy.  I just feel I need someone that has been in these shoes to listen. I know I’d do it for someone else.  It’s hard to explain, and while my head knows all the things…. And as ironically in the words of my ex… “the heart cannot be commanded”.

Alas I’m here.  Thank you for your consideration. And reading this far.  With gratitude

Any help would be appreciated 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve married two of them. Second one is pretty nice and much less BPD-ish.

I had a BPD mother. When I see patterns like these, it makes me wonder who might have had a personality disorder in your family of origin?

If so, there’s great support here on the Parents & Siblings board.

Something within you keeps being attracted to women who have this dysfunction. What do you think it is?

[hands down]

100% it’s a balance of my mother who was an on and off addict and my rearing in western religion. I was groomed to “save the world”. Which in good ways have made me empathetic, I had struggled with co-dependency for quite some time.

My wife… like I said. It felt “meant to be” subconsciously she was probably my “project” she was NOT bpd but suffered in the clusterB with a VERY underdeveloped ego and a bit of paranoia, the monsters are all going to get me type person. But not BPD per Se

After being so emotional starved, the love bombing of the affair and BPD adoration was pure heroin.  

With the most recent, she is a VERY… seemingly well adjusted person.  High ranking corporate exec and someone who had her friends reach out asking me how the heck I could have “lost” her and what I could do to get her back.  Make no mistake BPD comes in several shapes and sizes. They’re not all crafted the same. And I’ll go so far as to say that my work in and around BPD was likely why my last just went to full ghost with no episode or real reason.   I didn’t see the  BPD signs until 2 days after her leaving.  But had realized I didn’t leave room for the heavy at all. And that likely accelerated the “leave and hurt before it leaves and hurts me” of which when she left she texted all of my friends and family that exact thing “he’s the love of my life, I’ll love him forever, I just can’t make him happy and that’s apparent to me and I need to just move on, thank you for loving him”.

Anyhow. I appreciate your question and one I continue to do work in and on - daily.


In regards to my question. Do you happen to know any “non-text” based groups like an Alanon? That have peer support via zoom etc?

[Notwendy]

There isn't an exact 12 step program for BPD partners/family members but I have found that 12 step CODA and ACA groups to be very helpful. The dynamics in a BPD family/relationship are similar to a family/relationship dynamic with the disorders that 12 step groups address. So similar that the program works well. However, one has to "work the program"- with a sponsor - go to meetings and do the self work to get the results, just like any other issue. Just like an alcoholic tends to pair up with a person with co-dependent tendencies, so does a person with BPD tend to pair up with someone with these tendencies. You can work on them in a 12 step group.

In fact, ACA states "children of alcoholics and other dysfunction" - and BPD qualifies. There's also overlap with addictions, drug/alcohol abuse and BPD.

Many of these groups have gone online due to the pandemic. For time zone considerations, looking up those in your time zone would come up with some. Google virtual 12 step meetings and choices will come up. I would check in with a few- each has their own mix of personalities- so try a few to see what fits. Ask who is willing to sponsor and spend some time to get to know them before you decide who to ask.

The work isn't always comfortable to do, but to me it has been worth all the effort to do it.  

[ILMBPDC]

There isn't an exact 12 step program for BPD partners/family members but I have found that 12 step CODA and ACA groups to be very helpful. The dynamics in a BPD family/relationship are similar to a family/relationship dynamic with the disorders that 12 step groups address. So similar that the program works well. However, one has to "work the program"- with a sponsor - go to meetings and do the self work to get the results, just like any other issue. Just like an alcoholic tends to pair up with a person with co-dependent tendencies, so does a person with BPD tend to pair up with someone with these tendencies. You can work on them in a 12 step group.

In fact, ACA states "children of alcoholics and other dysfunction" - and BPD qualifies. There's also overlap with addictions, drug/alcohol abuse and BPD.

I second ACA - I started 2 weeks ago and its been amazing. And there are many people who didn't have addicts in the family in the groups. Dysfunctional childhoods seem to affect people the same way, regardless of dysfunction. I suggest googling the ACA Laundry List and see if that resonates with you at all. There are zoom meetings at all hours, time zones and days.  I didn't resonate with CODA nearly as much but that's me, it might resonate with you, especially if your issues don't stem from having a dysfunctional childhood, which is what ACA focuses on.


ETS: I just googled "BPD Family Support Programs" and found a website borderline personality disorder.org that has a 12 week Family Connections program that is online and free - maybe that would help? (I have no connection or knowledge of the program I just came across it, my point it there seem to be things out there...)

[chinchilla_dad]

I am also looking for something similar.  I do AA Because I fell into alcoholism After my wife ghosted me On the weekend of our 10 year anniversary, Just woke up one day and she was gone.  I find SMART helps a lot And would highly recomend looking into that.  I find working the program To be massively hopeful in All aspects of my life And they're willing to take anyone who wants to be there As long as it is recovery related with something.  I started going for the booze But then found That recovery's recovery And people were there for depression, Anxiety, Codependency, Over eating, Anorexia, and a bunch other stuff.  Very much more science-based Which I like And does very well with traditional talk therapy.  I struggle with the 12 step programs Because of a God thing But it's still better than nothing.  Not sure where you are geographically But there's something localCalled "All recovery" They're supposed to be similar.  Very interested to see if anyone else has any suggestions

[hands down]

Posted this on the wrong thread.  (iPhone problems). Decided to leave it there but also add it here for context.

- - - - -


I think my perspective was around empathy.  Empathy is an interesting ingredient with a BPD relationship, the relationship starts our using your empathy (which is likely why most co-dependents and empathic folks tend to land with Borderlines) to accelerate a relationship.  IMO they feel so unsafe, that the support and supply they receive by an empathic relationship, authentically opens up holes they have poured concrete on and paved over.  The challenge is that when those holes open up and the supply of empathy is no longer enough, the “untreated” scars act as nerve endings and cause the BPD to freak that they are now going to get “the monster” again…

Here’s where I think the irony comes into play.  They use and exploit (possibly subconsciously) your empathy just as they embraced it on the way in — how? Well the BOD “knows” just the moves to (again I’m not sure conscious or subconscious) the moves hurt your heart in ways that make you feel like you made a mistake with your love, care and empathy. Of which, they also usually make sure to leave a few breadcrumbs to keep those stings attached.  Energetically still getting that supply of empathy and energy. Remember the black and white thinking. If they can be all “right” you must be all wrong…. But maybe it’s not about you. Maybe it’s natural and loving to give empathy, even if you get burned, just because someone robs you does not mean it’s your fault for having $500 in your wallet for the thief to take.  Sometimes you just have to realize it happens. And tomorrow, put another $500 back in the wallet - you didn’t PLEASE READ up, you got robbed. 

Here’s where the challenge comes.  The only common answer is to completely remove them from your energy field.   Which, in all fairness is the only thing that has proven to work. The byproduct is that we are the person that feel like we have to create an emergency change to our life due to the disaster in theirs.  And here is my challenge. By isolating yourself and your empathy, you’re only letting them change you even more. Harden you, bring you shame. It’s not your fault that you got robbed..  sure maybe there are some things you can adjust, but to make wholesale changes in yourself because of a perpetrator - is downright not healthy (IMO)

(I should make a disclaimer that for some, they may have been irresponsible with their $500, flashing it around to be stolen… but I also believe there is a significant portion of the BOD society that genuinely gets “robbed” with very little culpability - and likely doing what love SHOULD do in a healthy relationship)

Like I said in my original post, I could have 6 PHD’s in cluster B research, the lymbic system, the CNS, flight or fight and PTSD. And every ounce of research suggests that the brain functions more fluidly as we integrate the feelings as opposed to cutting them off.  The challenge is the binary thinking.  If we honor those feelings we also dig ourself into a hole because the results are so unfathomable.  But…. Maybe there is an alternative.  Just as people that are raised with childhood abuse can bond over trauma, survivors of shootings do the same together.  Shared experiences and shared healing go a long way psychologically.  And unfortunately, your friends that have never encountered a BPD —- have NO WAY OF PROVIDING YOU THIS SUPPORT

I’d go so far to say, the power and healing on these forums is not the “advice” it’s the empathy.  Being in connection with someone that has walked in your shoes…. Is powerful.  And it’s what the disease doesn’t want.  The disease wants shame and fear. When we realize that this is common, we don’t feel so alone, when we don’t feel so alone we feel okay, when we feel okay, the pain looses its sting. 

The genesis of my post was more looking for verbal and zoom style support that this forum so eloquently delivers via text.  Sometimes your brain knows all of the things, and further having someone that has been charred by the same fire saying… PLEASE READ I’ve been there, can be all the difference in moving the experience from the head to the heart.

Just a little $0.02 rant. 

Much love everyone - thank you for your support and care on here

[Notwendy]

I struggle with the 12 step programs Because of a God thing But it's still better than nothing.  Not sure where you are geographically But there's something local called "All recovery" They're supposed to be similar.  Very interested to see if anyone else has any suggestions


I didn't try All Recovery but here's my take on the "God of our understanding" in 12 steps. The original Blue Book was written by Christians and so it reflects the terms and ideas in the words they have to describe them. However, the message and method is universal and has been adapted for use in different religions and has helped people who don't have a religion, and atheists as well.

It's more like looking at it and thinking - this is not my language for saying these things but what are they really saying?

I have been in 12 step groups with people of many religions, including atheists. "God of our understanding" becomes what you want it to be. Some people made it "mother nature". I think one person made it a tree ( I think more like the mystical wise tree because they liked trees and thought of them that way).

I think a main importance for the "Higher Power" is to have us let go of feeling we need to be in charge of everything for someone else. It's also to remind us to not make something else our god. If we are focused on someone else, and let them run our decisions, we make them our god. If we try to control them and their feelings, we are trying to be their god.

Whether or not one believes there's a Higher Power that runs the universe, we need to stop acting as if we run the universe.

[chinchilla_dad]

I agree with you But at least in my area It's still ends up leaning heavily Catholic.  A lot of "My higher power, Whom I choose to call Jesus".  I go anyway and keep my mouth shut and do what you suggest.  I have some personal thingsThat really just leave a sour taste in my mouth About a few particular denominations. 

For me The literature in SMART Is much more understandable And uniformed opposed to 12 steps Wear it depends Who your sponsor is.  There are pros and cons to each Which is why I do both.