Avoiding to spend time with pwBPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

At the moment my office is the only space where I can routinely relax for more than a moment. I dread the weekends but sometimes it works out better then expected. I guess I make things worse by resisting/dreading to spend time with her. Thoughts about that?

I have to decide whether or not to take some extra leave from work (2/3 paid paternal leave) for 1-6 weeks this winter/spring. It's optional. Normally I would take all I could get, but the last year in our relationship has been so exhausting that I would rather be at work although work is very stressful at the moment with big changes going on so I'm working overtime. It would be a chance to spend quality time with my son, it makes me sad that I haven't even thought of that until now. But it would also be a time of trying to keep peace in the marriage. And a time to fight my own feelings of wanting to escape from it all.

I could ask her if she'd be interested in looking for a temporary job for that short period of time, but she's not the type to look for employment. I would love for her to work and be away from home but that won't happen.

What would you do, or have you been in a similar position to choose? What did you choose to do and what was the outcome?

Thank you in advance.

[15years]

At the moment my office is the only space where I can routinely relax for more than a moment. I dread the weekends but sometimes it works out better then expected. I guess I make things worse by resisting/dreading to spend time with her. Thoughts about that?

I have to decide whether or not to take some extra leave from work (2/3 paid paternal leave) for 1-6 weeks this winter/spring. It's optional. Normally I would take all I could get, but the last year in our relationship has been so exhausting that I would rather be at work although work is very stressful at the moment with big changes going on so I'm working overtime. It would be a chance to spend quality time with my son, it makes me sad that I haven't even thought of that until now. But it would also be a time of trying to keep peace in the marriage. And a time to fight my own feelings of wanting to escape from it all.

I could ask her if she'd be interested in looking for a temporary job for that short period of time, but she's not the type to look for employment. I would love for her to work and be away from home but that won't happen.

What would you do, or have you been in a similar position to choose? What did you choose to do and what was the outcome?

Thank you in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi 15years;

While my family setup is different from yours (my DH has two kids, 13 & 15, and it's their mom who has BPD traits), I can relate to the feeling that work is actually an escape from the PD drama. The kids themselves are good kids, yet the "import" a lot of the BPD/PD drama into our home. Their stepdad has strong NPD traits so when drama or conflict comes up from the kids towards/with us, it "feels" very PD-like because that's what they know from their mom and stepdad. I am dealing with having lots of anxiety at work before I go home on the Fridays when we have the kids, because I feel like I have no idea what to expect -- things could be totally fine, or they could have "imported" some toxic conflict from Mom's house. The not knowing is very hard for me.

I am so glad you work outside the home and can experience work as a safe haven, even when it's busy. That makes a lot of sense, and that's a good resource for you to lean on.

I dread the weekends but sometimes it works out better then expected. I guess I make things worse by resisting/dreading to spend time with her. Thoughts about that?

Well, I think there is something real that we both are sensing when we have some dread about the weekends. It's true that there have been times in the past where coming home from work meant coming home to a PD-flavored conflict. Our bodies are telling us something that we can pay attention to. We are receiving a message of "be prepared" when we feel that dread.

I wonder if we can accept that message as something real that is happening. We are truly feeling dread and anxiety about the weekend, because while sometimes it works out better than expected, sometimes it doesn't.

What would it be like if when we felt that dread, resistance, anxiety, etc, we took sometime to honor that feeling by paying attention to it and recognizing that it has alerted us to important things in the past? "Yes, I notice my stomach is in knots, and I feel like my mind is racing. I notice myself wanting to stay safe at work. This is because sometimes in the past, when I would go home, intense things would happen" (or whatever).

Maybe then we could use some wisemind tools to plan for what to do. We could think about a list of things that could happen, everything from "pretty peaceful and no drama" through "I walk in the door and I can instantly feel the seething tension and then there's a yelling blowup". We could walk through steps we would take in those situations: "If it feels pretty peaceful, I could let myself appreciate that moment" through "If I feel the tension, I will thank my body for alerting me to it ahead of time, and I will go to the bathroom right away to buy myself some time" or "If there is a yelling blowup, I will take my son and we will go get groceries for dinner".

Basically, we could think about walking through our plans ahead of time for what we'll do if things are a certain way when we get home. This lets us deal with the possible blowup/intensity from the safety of work, maybe a couple days ahead of time. I'm curious what you think about that?

...

I have to decide whether or not to take some extra leave from work (2/3 paid paternal leave) for 1-6 weeks this winter/spring. It's optional. Normally I would take all I could get, but the last year in our relationship has been so exhausting that I would rather be at work although work is very stressful at the moment with big changes going on so I'm working overtime. It would be a chance to spend quality time with my son, it makes me sad that I haven't even thought of that until now. But it would also be a time of trying to keep peace in the marriage. And a time to fight my own feelings of wanting to escape from it all.

Forgive me for forgetting, do you guys have two kids? Is that right? Or just the one?

I wonder if you could take the time off, and use it to take your son out on trips/outings, just you and him. Could you frame it as "giving your wife the break she deserves"? Do you think she would be open to that -- accepting the "role" of "hardworking mom" who "finally gets time to herself to recharge"?

It could be a win-win scenario; you get the time off, you spend time with your son, everyone gets a break from the volatility that can come from a lot of time together. You could talk through here whether you think that would work or not.

Looking forward to hearing back;

kells76

[thankful person]

15 years,
We spoke recently on here on my post about my toddler learning to use the toilet.
I’ve been on here nearly a year but only regularly posting for a few months. Apart from the supportive, encouraging and knowledgeable people on here, the game changers for me have been reading the books, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” and “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist”. I read them online first and now I’m listening to them again as audio books in my car as it’s a lot to take in.
I completely understand why you’d rather be at work than spend time with your partner. I’ve felt the same many, many times and she bullied me into going back out to work (rather than working from home) a few months into our first 2020 lockdown, against my wishes (as I didn’t want to risk getting covid or giving it to our baby). I complied because she said it was the only way to save our marriage.
But I would like to encourage you to take that time off work that you deserve and have earned, and that would be precious time with your son. I like Kells’ suggestion of framing it as “giving your wife a break”. My wife is extremely possessive over the children and would never buy this, but it may work for you. I wouldn’t suggest your partner getting a job if this wouldn’t interest her. She may just get angry that you don’t want her around.
But make sure you also try to think of some nice things you might do together as a couple, with or without the baby.
And think of it as a challenge, to become better at dealing with your partner.
 I just wanted to give you hope. When I first came on here, I was constantly bending over backwards trying to please, walking on egg shells, scared of upsetting my wife… trying to follow endless rules that didn’t even make sense and often contradicted each other.
I have been working to reclaim some of the power in our relationship. It hasn’t been easy and my posts on here have been hopeful one day and utter despair the next. But things have got better. And my wife has played no part in working to improve the relationship. She thinks I’m the problem. And whilst that is incorrect, I have learned that I was making things worse with much of my speech and actions in desperately trying to please her. I think it’s partly because bpd’s don’t like to see “desperate” #hmmemoji maybe it reminds them of themselves?
Holidays and celebrations used to be hell and I would dread them. Well I haven’t stopped dreading them. But I can report that my daughter’s second birthday in October, our wedding anniversary in December, Christmas Day, and just finishing today, a five day road trip… these occasions have actually gone so well. Mostly I try to validate my wife, not outwardly disagree, even if I don’t agree… generally I comment less on any problems she has, certainly not trying too hard to fix things for her.
The good people here can give you better advice. But I just wanted to let you know the hard work is worth it. I wish you all the best.

[15years]

I wonder if we can accept that message as something real that is happening. We are truly feeling dread and anxiety about the weekend, because while sometimes it works out better than expected, sometimes it doesn't.

True, being interested in once own feelings can work. I was thinking as I read this, that I've only felt this way the past year mostly because of my own f*ckups, so why am I complaining, I used to be very enthusiastic about being home - But while I used to be enthusiastic about being at home, I have always been nervous about coming home.

Basically, we could think about walking through our plans ahead of time for what we'll do if things are a certain way when we get home. This lets us deal with the possible blowup/intensity from the safety of work, maybe a couple days ahead of time. I'm curious what you think about that?

Great suggestion, I've always found that when I'm prepared, things work out better. Though it's mostly been about me being prepared to say something that I'm not sure I mean but I know she would want to hear. Like one day last year, I prepared to tell her that I've been so incredibly immature this last year. I said it with conviction and that night was pretty calm. It didn't do much in the long run though as I said it mostly to be the one to bring up the problems rather than hope that it won't come up.

Forgive me for forgetting, do you guys have two kids? Is that right? Or just the one?

I have two boys, but the older one will probably be in day care most of the days.

I wonder if you could take the time off, and use it to take your son out on trips/outings, just you and him. Could you frame it as "giving your wife the break she deserves"? Do you think she would be open to that -- accepting the "role" of "hardworking mom" who "finally gets time to herself to recharge"?

It could be a win-win scenario; you get the time off, you spend time with your son, everyone gets a break from the volatility that can come from a lot of time together. You could talk through here whether you think that would work or not.

That strategy could actually work but it depends so much on her mood and recent ideas. Sometimes she complains about me not offering her any time for herself. I could also suggest that she could have time for herself outside the home, that would mean mostly shopping I guess.
I would have to be careful so she doesn't begin to suspect that I'm avoiding her by going out with my son. I think I'll have to ask her if she would like to come along. Kind of like reversed psychology, if I give her the power to decide herself, she may as well prefer to stay home.


Thank you kells again for great advice. Would like to write a longer response, but I don't have time right now.

[15years]

But make sure you also try to think of some nice things you might do together as a couple, with or without the baby.

Good point, I'll try that! It could be fun, if I'm making an effort by making plans involving her, usually she appreciates it. It makes her feel seen.

I have been working to reclaim some of the power in our relationship. It hasn’t been easy and my posts on here have been hopeful one day and utter despair the next. But things have got better.

It really does switch between hope and despair quickly. When it feels very hopeless I can relax a bit thinking that I know for a fact that I will feel different in a few minutes/hours/days.

… these occasions have actually gone so well. Mostly I try to validate my wife, not outwardly disagree, even if I don’t agree… generally I comment less on any problems she has, certainly not trying too hard to fix things for her.

I'm glad you're having positive results!

I used to think my wife knew exactly what I was feeling and that I can't fake anything. The other day, I was feeling very anxious about the future and she said to that I seemed to be very happy today. Maybe that's her trying to cope with the stress of not being sure what I want. Or she really thought I was happy.

Thanks for your reply!

[mitten]

Yup, I can absolutely relate to the office being my peaceful spot.  It's Friday today and I'm watching my work week slip away from me... and the chaos of 2 young boys and a uBPDw wife with me all weekend.  Like, you it's usually not as bad as I anticipate.  It's just that work is so peaceful, even when it's stressful.  If that makes any sense.

I took 3 weeks of paternity leave when our last son was born.  We ended up going on a road trip and it was actually okay.  Better than being stuck in the house together...  Does your wife know that you have the option to take the paternity leave?  I think many dad's likely hide this benefit from their wife if they don't want to take it.  Many fathers at my work don't take advantage of it so I'm always suspicious of why they don't... is it because work is easier than family life... etc.  Probably. 

[15years]

Yup, I can absolutely relate to the office being my peaceful spot.  It's Friday today and I'm watching my work week slip away from me... and the chaos of 2 young boys and a uBPDw wife with me all weekend.  Like, you it's usually not as bad as I anticipate.  It's just that work is so peaceful, even when it's stressful.  If that makes any sense.

"I'm watching my work week slip away from me" - spot on, makes total sense!
Can also relate to two boys

I took 3 weeks of paternity leave when our last son was born.  We ended up going on a road trip and it was actually okay.  Better than being stuck in the house together...  Does your wife know that you have the option to take the paternity leave?  I think many dad's likely hide this benefit from their wife if they don't want to take it.  Many fathers at my work don't take advantage of it so I'm always suspicious of why they don't... is it because work is easier than family life... etc.  Probably. 

She knows but she isn't the suspicious type, and it's economically a small loss for both of us also.

Maybe you're right about the many fathers

Thank you for sharing!

[mitten]

HAPPY work week!  Did everyone survive the weekend?  ;).   

Mine was pretty nice.  Although I never got a break from the kids... I saw on social media friends were out doing hobbies etc, for at least a little bit over the weekend, but me, nope, all kids all the time. 

[15years]

HAPPY work week!  Did everyone survive the weekend?  ;). 

Yes I survived! :D

Also tied up with the kids and actually worked extra from home on Sunday (good pay). Saturday morning was hard. I genuinely wanted to cuddle (for the first time in a few months) in the morning when the kids watched tv and she was still in bed, but she told me she thinks I'm gross, thinking about the things i've done to her and that she wished I weren't there. So half of the day was tense, then later I managed to say something she liked and the evening was great.

Have to work from home on thursday, hope that goes well or otherwise I can practice boundaries.