Need direction

[Rottiemom]

Hello - looking for guidance, have adult daughter 36, estranged for 2 yrs, has 2 boys, 4&9, have been sending honor donations (ASPCA, Zoo, Aquarium, etc) as C mas & bday gifts, no acknowledgement don’t know if kids are told - think the mail notifications are prob ripped & trashed - should I continue this? I’m 65, this will not be resolved in my lifetime, I’ve accepted that - thoughts on gift giving continue or stop?
Thanks all

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Rottiemum. Not sure what an 'honor donation' is. Does it mean you send the children a voucher to go to the zoo or aquarium etc or do you send the money to these places and the child would be sent an acknowledgement of the donation?

[Rottiemom]

Thanks for your reply! An honor donation is $$$ sent to an org. in honor or memory of someone. My BPD adult child doesn’t inform these guys so I feel stuck, but making an effort seems important to me. I’m going to elaborate on circumstances - she started using as early teen following divorce of her dad & I, he smokes pot w/ her regularly & has for quite some time, I’m 17 yrs sober after 5 yrs of alcoholic drinking following divorce & brief remarriage - I feel responsibility for her behavior but my son who is 2 yrs older than daughter is not severely affected by divorce (his words)her history is 3 rehabs, OD (drug of choice Xanax) another overdosee/ hospitalization, daily pot smoker, a cutter, mentally tried for a cleaner life physically couldn’t do it, has what I thought were BP characteristics, then became engulfed w/ BPD - 2 yrs ago suicide attempt w/ gun & kids in-house - husband called me in panic, had called police, asked me to give her history to police, I did w/ above info, call again that evening, panicked please give her history to child services, I did. Next AM another panicked call, please give history to psych intake nurse, play tape again, I did. So... after that she cut me out because I told her true history, husband threw me under the bus to be bad guy, per my counselors opinion. The kids, I have no clue what they’ve been told, it’s sad for them the most, they will be as messed up as her sadly. So that’s it, long response to your question. I stubbornly think in a suicide situation you speak truths, no half truths, no diminish of severity of circumstance. I would meet her in therapy as a possibility of moving forward, but honestly I’m fatigued w/ the toxic train wreck. My heart is sad only for the kids, more so than my own child. I’ve separated emotionally w/ help from brilliant caring counselor but I’m still amazed at the characteristics of BPD, so very cruel.

[Sancho]

Hi Rottiemum and thank you for all the information. You have been on an amazing journey!

I think it is so helpful to have your son - who has been on the same journey and yet does not have the issues and problems that your daughter has. When we don't have that, we can take on total responsibility for all the problems - and a loved child with BPD will usually make sure we feel responsible for everything.

So I am glad your son is there as a reminder to go easy on yourself.

I also agree with you when there is such a crisis as a suicide attempt there is no choice but to put all the facts on the table. Of course it is pretty predictable that dd would respond in that way.

Back to the gift/not to gift.

If it were me, I would see a small personal present at birthdays and Christmas and I would keep doing it until actually told not to by dd. I think it is a way of sending a message to a child that you are thinking of them and - if dd gives it to them, it will be a small reminder of you in their lives.

This is just what I would do. I know everyone's situation is different and only you know what is best for yours. But to just keep a thread of connection to your grandchildren - you don't know what the future holds and it might be important . . . .

Thanks for posting

[Rottiemom]

Thank you for your insight - have completed bday gift donation & am hopeful it will some day be known by this kid!

[Trying2Survive]

Hi there - Have you thought about sending g/c directly to the kids?  They may not understand what an honour donation is as I didnt until you explained.  Since you are spending the money anyways - maybe send the things they can use that are tangible?  Regardless - whatever you decide I say keep doing it. If finances aren't an issue then one day they will know what you have done.

[Rottiemom]

Thanks again so much for your thoughts! It is so helpful, I thought of these honor donations because I was convinced any package would go directly to trash can. Don’t know why I felt that way but the idea has been to erase me so why would they even know a package, a donation to the zoo in their name via a letter in the mail, or anything came to them. I guess I do this to make myself feel better, is that OK? I just don’t know, it just hurts when the scan gets scraped off & feelings / hurts are raw again.

[Trying2Survive]

I get it now.  At least if you are spending the money you know its not going into the garbage or a complete waste.  I dont think its wrong at all.  In fact - I think knowing the right way to handle things is the hardest part about a child with BPD.  Someone this morning said to me Im in a lose lose situation and that couldnt be more true.  Which one one hand is so damn depressing but on the other - its reality.

Every time there is a conflict I with I had handled it differently and then when I spend hours analyzing the other way - I can think of a million ways that would have gone wrong as well.

So - do what makes you feel good.  When the children are older and you get to have a relationship - you will have years of donations on their behalf and I think that will be a beautiful gift for them.

[Rottiemom]

I am so full of gratitude for these words!