Enabling Enmeshed Father

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm sure that this has been a topic that has already been discussed on the board but I was hoping to get some insight. I have been NC after a rage call from my mom the day after Thanksgiving. I received a disgusting and abusive email from my mom and then days later an abusive email from my Dad telling me that I need to reach out to my mom because I upset HER(typical) because I stood up for myself about the ridiculous rage call. I didn't respond to either email and haven't spoken to either one of them since. I'm beyond ready to walk away from my mom...she has used me up and sadly I have nothing left for her. The thing that is bothering me is my Dad, and the extreme conflicting feelings that I have about him right now. On one hand I'm beyond angry, I realize that he threw me and my brother to the wolf(my mom) because it gave him a break from her abuse and he is still doing this. He has always and will always withhold his love when she is angry at me. The problem is that there WAS love. I do have some really good memories with him from my childhood and I got to thinking about that this morning. Sadly the BEST time of my childhood is when my parents separated and my Dad moved out for a year and a half. It was great to me because I got to go to his apartment and escape my mom every weekend and he HAD to actually spend time with me. I remember being sad when he moved back in because I lost my escape and my time with him, and of course their violent fighting started right back up. When I was really little he would take me fishing with him and I absolutely loved it, then I remember he just stopped asking me to go. He wouldn't even tell me he was going he'd just leave. My mom later told me that SHE had told him to stop asking me because I had told her I didn't like going, which was a lie, I NEVER said it, I loved going. Her calculated effort to keep me and my Dad from having a relationship started that young! Growing up she did everything she could to make me and my brother dislike him. She would tell me horrible things he did when he used to drink and she would tell me that she was worried he was drinking and cheating, etc. She made fun of him constantly, to his face, to his children, so we wouldn't respect him. After I became an adult my mom would constantly try to call me and tell me how horrible my he was. She told me he was an abuser(abusing her of course), narcissist, secretly still drinking, cheating, every horrible thing you could imagine! I repeatedly asked her to stop talking to me about my Dad and this was honestly one of our biggest issues. Here's the thing though...I NEVER believed her! I didn't believe he was doing those things because I know that she is a liar and I never saw him capable of any of that. I saw him as a very weak, controlled, abused man who was wrong for not protecting his kids...but not a horrible evil person like she tried to convince me. My memories of him as a child, although few and far between, are of him being loving towards me. An example of this is when I was really young and couldn't do my own hair yet, my mom would violently brush my hair, if I said it hurt or started to cry she'd hit me with the hairbrush to be quiet. I remember when my Dad took this job over and how different the experience was with him. When he got to a tangle he'd gently undo it and say "Oops sorry" in a funny/silly voice so I'd laugh. This is maybe the one and only loving thing that I took from my childhood and recreated with my own kids. I remember the first time I had to take off one of my kids bandaids or put medicine on a cut and that phrase and silly voice just came out...it was obviously meaningful to me! And yet she has worked so hard to make me believe that HE was the abuser, and in some respects he was also an abuser, but she was always at the center of it! Something I realized this morning is that she was doing the same thing to him about me all of these years(which now seems SO obvious) She was flipping her abuse of me around and blaming it all on me...who knows what all she has said and lied to him about me. This was her plan all along, to make sure we had no relationship, and sadly she succeeded! My husband thinks I should forward him the disgusting email she sent me because he doesn't believe that my Dad even knows about it, but I'm not going to. I don't know if my Dad actually believes the things she says, but I do know he WANTS to believe HER and he always has. Even if I forwarded it she would somehow convince him that it was fake. There has never been a time that he did not believe her or take her side. When me and my brother were kids she would lie about things we had said or done to get my Dad to prove himself by defending her. This was particularly hard on my brother. She would lie about things he said or did and then my Dad on a handful of occasions actually physically fought him as my mom watched. The dynamic that those two people have together literally makes my stomach turn. She hates my Dad and yet they are beyond enmeshed and he can't have ANYONE else but her. He walked away from his parents, brothers, friends, and ultimately both of his children! The last time I saw them she told a story about how she almost married a doctor but then she met my Dad and he ruined her life. He just sat there and said nothing. He also bought her a condo in Florida, she "left" him but my Dad sent her all of his paychecks while she lived in the condo. When she came back she bragged about a man she was spending time with there and would talk about this man constantly and in a very demeaning and obvious way to try to make my dad jealous. Again, he'd just sit there. I know that I will never get through to him and I know that there will NEVER EVER be a relationship with him without her. I don't even know if after everything, I would even want one. I'm angry but I also realize that he can't see anything else, he is buried and consumed by her. I'm sad because deep down I do believe I could have had a decent father if they had divorced. I just thought I'd post to get this off my chest but also because I've noticed how many of you seem to have loving fathers. I wonder if this is a common theme with BPDs, to make their kids hate the other parent? Im not sure if it's about the jealousy of other people having a relationship or if it's just the fear that if we did we would talk and figure out all of the lies she tells the other one?

[lm1109]

I'm sure that this has been a topic that has already been discussed on the board but I was hoping to get some insight. I have been NC after a rage call from my mom the day after Thanksgiving. I received a disgusting and abusive email from my mom and then days later an abusive email from my Dad telling me that I need to reach out to my mom because I upset HER(typical) because I stood up for myself about the ridiculous rage call. I didn't respond to either email and haven't spoken to either one of them since. I'm beyond ready to walk away from my mom...she has used me up and sadly I have nothing left for her. The thing that is bothering me is my Dad, and the extreme conflicting feelings that I have about him right now. On one hand I'm beyond angry, I realize that he threw me and my brother to the wolf(my mom) because it gave him a break from her abuse and he is still doing this. He has always and will always withhold his love when she is angry at me. The problem is that there WAS love. I do have some really good memories with him from my childhood and I got to thinking about that this morning. Sadly the BEST time of my childhood is when my parents separated and my Dad moved out for a year and a half. It was great to me because I got to go to his apartment and escape my mom every weekend and he HAD to actually spend time with me. I remember being sad when he moved back in because I lost my escape and my time with him, and of course their violent fighting started right back up. When I was really little he would take me fishing with him and I absolutely loved it, then I remember he just stopped asking me to go. He wouldn't even tell me he was going he'd just leave. My mom later told me that SHE had told him to stop asking me because I had told her I didn't like going, which was a lie, I NEVER said it, I loved going. Her calculated effort to keep me and my Dad from having a relationship started that young! Growing up she did everything she could to make me and my brother dislike him. She would tell me horrible things he did when he used to drink and she would tell me that she was worried he was drinking and cheating, etc. She made fun of him constantly, to his face, to his children, so we wouldn't respect him. After I became an adult my mom would constantly try to call me and tell me how horrible my he was. She told me he was an abuser(abusing her of course), narcissist, secretly still drinking, cheating, every horrible thing you could imagine! I repeatedly asked her to stop talking to me about my Dad and this was honestly one of our biggest issues. Here's the thing though...I NEVER believed her! I didn't believe he was doing those things because I know that she is a liar and I never saw him capable of any of that. I saw him as a very weak, controlled, abused man who was wrong for not protecting his kids...but not a horrible evil person like she tried to convince me. My memories of him as a child, although few and far between, are of him being loving towards me. An example of this is when I was really young and couldn't do my own hair yet, my mom would violently brush my hair, if I said it hurt or started to cry she'd hit me with the hairbrush to be quiet. I remember when my Dad took this job over and how different the experience was with him. When he got to a tangle he'd gently undo it and say "Oops sorry" in a funny/silly voice so I'd laugh. This is maybe the one and only loving thing that I took from my childhood and recreated with my own kids. I remember the first time I had to take off one of my kids bandaids or put medicine on a cut and that phrase and silly voice just came out...it was obviously meaningful to me! And yet she has worked so hard to make me believe that HE was the abuser, and in some respects he was also an abuser, but she was always at the center of it! Something I realized this morning is that she was doing the same thing to him about me all of these years(which now seems SO obvious) She was flipping her abuse of me around and blaming it all on me...who knows what all she has said and lied to him about me. This was her plan all along, to make sure we had no relationship, and sadly she succeeded! My husband thinks I should forward him the disgusting email she sent me because he doesn't believe that my Dad even knows about it, but I'm not going to. I don't know if my Dad actually believes the things she says, but I do know he WANTS to believe HER and he always has. Even if I forwarded it she would somehow convince him that it was fake. There has never been a time that he did not believe her or take her side. When me and my brother were kids she would lie about things we had said or done to get my Dad to prove himself by defending her. This was particularly hard on my brother. She would lie about things he said or did and then my Dad on a handful of occasions actually physically fought him as my mom watched. The dynamic that those two people have together literally makes my stomach turn. She hates my Dad and yet they are beyond enmeshed and he can't have ANYONE else but her. He walked away from his parents, brothers, friends, and ultimately both of his children! The last time I saw them she told a story about how she almost married a doctor but then she met my Dad and he ruined her life. He just sat there and said nothing. He also bought her a condo in Florida, she "left" him but my Dad sent her all of his paychecks while she lived in the condo. When she came back she bragged about a man she was spending time with there and would talk about this man constantly and in a very demeaning and obvious way to try to make my dad jealous. Again, he'd just sit there. I know that I will never get through to him and I know that there will NEVER EVER be a relationship with him without her. I don't even know if after everything, I would even want one. I'm angry but I also realize that he can't see anything else, he is buried and consumed by her. I'm sad because deep down I do believe I could have had a decent father if they had divorced. I just thought I'd post to get this off my chest but also because I've noticed how many of you seem to have loving fathers. I wonder if this is a common theme with BPDs, to make their kids hate the other parent? Im not sure if it's about the jealousy of other people having a relationship or if it's just the fear that if we did we would talk and figure out all of the lies she tells the other one?

[Riv3rW0lf]

lm1109,

I get your anger so very much... I was lucky that my father never got back with my uBPDm after they separated, but I still lost many many years of my relationship with him because of my mother sneaky behaviors.

Kells sent me a link on another one of my posts, here it is:
https://drcachildress.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/AB-PA-in-Diagrams-Childress-2013.pdf

It basically explains the science behind parental alienation caused by a BPD parent, how they get into the child's head to demonize the other parent. As a result, the child can never properly attach themselves to their "sane" parent, which leads to them constantly feeling grief when in the presence of this parent. The grief feeling being sadness, the child is led to believe that the sane parent causes the sadness and they basically go on in believing the BPD parent is right, and they develop some personality disorders when dealing with the demonized parent... Who really, was safe all along.

When it happens while the child is very young, it gets into their head. The child will have strange phobia (I was scared of wolves in the forest behind my father's house). It is a projection of the unconscious. Later on, the phobia dissipates and the child is left with a parent they didn't healthily attached to, causing the disorders, anger and pain in the relationship, without being able to explain why that is. There is not much protection, it is hard for a child to defend themselves against a full grown adult, especially a mother who you biologically need to trust.

And so I personally believed her, and actually, since hating my father was the only way to get some love from my uBPDm, I made him suffer for many many years and caused him lots of grief. He had a heart attack recently... He is not perfect, but words can't express the pain it caused me to realize what I had done to him, on account of my uBPDm. I am lucky he forgave me, and we currently have a really good relationship. He will get to see his grandchildren grow and I hope he stays with us for many more years...  

All this to say, I am sorry your father went back with your mother, and is so enmeshed with her. It is ... Horrible, to lose a parent or a child through someone else's manipulation. I personally felt like I had been robbed of such a precious bond... And so I am very sorry this is happening to you.

This is just something they do, ain't it... The need to be the only person in everyone's life. We should all love them while hating our sibblings and other parents, somehow they marvel within the havoc they create...

Now, I have a rule where I don't discuss my dad and brothers with my uBPDm, which clearly is not a possible rule for you, seeing how enmeshed they are..

I am sure your father knows she lies. I mean... My father did know what was going on, he just decided to let me figure it out on my own. He  told me recently he didn't push, because he could see whenever he talked ill about uBPDm, that it was hurting me. He didn't want to hurt me more and took upon himself to be the bigger person. I don't recall him ever saying anything bad about her.. he was waiting for me to open my own eyes. I would like to say he should have done more to protect me, but he just never put himself between my mother and me because he was waiting for me to make the decision, and so made it at 14, to leave uBPDm's house and go live with him. Most of the damage was done, but it gave me a fighting chance in becoming my own self. And so, he did enough.

I am sorry your dad was unable to protect you more, that he didn't ask if you liked fishing or not, and just listened to your mother. I wonder, why did he get back with her? Any chance this was for you, for his children?

Any way you could have diner with him alone and discuss openly your past, tell him how much you loved fishing with him? Tell him how much those memories with him brushing your hair mean to you? Ask him why he just stand there taking the shame like this? The conversation doesn't have to be about your mother, it can be about you and him, about your relationship with him. What is the worst that could happen, really? That she disown you? ... My uBPDm disowned me a few weeks ago, it's not as bad as it seems.

If anything, my relationship with my father has taught me it is never too late to try and repair a loving relationship, if you ever wish to do so.

Hugs

[Goldcrest]

Oh lm1109, I can relate to what you have written, so much of it resonates with me and my own impossible  relationship with my dad. My mum literally saw me as a love rival and would get jealous if I talked to my dad and she wasn't involved. It was the same, although to a lesser extent with my brother.

In our house you were on a side, either my mum's side or dad's, we could never just be a loving family there always had to be conflict. My mum used to tease and bully my dad and it would make me cry, then she would turn on me for crying. I was her counsellor from a young age, where she would convince me he was having an affair and tell me stuff much no child should have to hear.

I think my dad always sticking up for her no matter what was the thing that killed me most and shaped my inability to have secure relationships with men. My father literally saw my mother as a Queen who must be obeyed. There was one unspoken rule, don't upset your mother for any reason. Your needs and feelings are unimportant. If your mother is happy, you can be happy. If your mother is unhappy, it is your fault.

Despite all this I still adored my dad. I held out hope that one day he would wake up and see what she was and leave her. Like Riv3rW0lf said I am sure your dad knows what she is like but why these enabler fathers throw their kids under the bus, I just don't know. I think they made a choice and their is some weird extreme loyalty thing for them, to protect the Queen no matter what. In my dad's case I think he got some sort of pleasure from siding with my mum, a sort of united front that made him feel especially strong. I don't know. Even at his death he was angry with me for upsetting her because she had been heavily criticising me for not being 100% for her at the hospital.

The dynamic that those two people have together literally makes my stomach turn. She hates my Dad and yet they are beyond enmeshed and he can't have ANYONE else but her. He walked away from his parents, brothers, friends, and ultimately both of his children!

YES! to the above. My mum poisoned my dad against his brother, parents, he had no friends. At the funeral it was all her friends and AA pals.

  I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[lm1109]

Thank you both for sharing your experiences about your fathers. It helps to know I'm not alone in this situation that feels SO isolating! That article was really helpful! It was very interesting because I have heard of parental alienation but thought that it could only be an issue with divorced parents, but it seems to me that it's exactly what she did! As far as why my Dad got back together with her? I wish I knew! I'd honestly love to believe it was for his children, but I think it's always been about the absolute control she has over him. She later told me that my Dad was beginning to move on and go out on dates and I know this enraged her, so she decided to get back together with him. She may have used his kids as a means of control to get him to move back, but at this point my parents have been without kids(in their home) for almost 20 years now and my Dad continues to stay. I may try to talk to him about it all one day and explain to him that my only good memories as a child were with him. I do think he deserves to know that he isn't or wasn't the horrible useless human being that she tells him he is. But right now he seems dedicated to her version of everything, which is either all MY fault or all HIS fault! I believe on some level he wants or feels like he needs her control? It feels as though the more I've detached and gotten away the more layers of the onion are revealed. It's crazy to me how she started this systematic breakdown of trust and love between my father and me at such a young age! It's upsetting that he "fell" for it, but I suppose that's just part of the illness he is dealing with. Together, they enable each other and tell each other that it's all everyone else and refuse to look at themselves or get help. At this point, all I can do is keep getting help and hope they choose that for themselves someday. This is sort of irrelevant but I heard a quote the other day that made me laugh because it rang so true to me when it comes to them..he was talking about unpleasable people like my parents and said "You could walk on water and they will scoff and tell you that you only walked on water because you can't f**king swim!" I laughed because it's so true! Sick but true! I'll always continue to hope that my Dad comes to this realization as well. He has given his whole life to pleasing her and it will just never be enough! I

[Riv3rW0lf]

Was he himself abused as a kid?

I think some people are afraid of being in control of their own life, because it makes them responsible for it. They just can't take control.

There are the perfect scapegoats to pwBPD. They just take the suffering, they remain victims of someone else, which keeps them from taking responsibility for themselves.

Other possibility is he was abused and he has a really low sense of self and is just repeating his childhood trauma in adulthood, like many other survivors.

Thankfully, you are there to break your family's cycle. I hope you know just how much it means to your children. You, doing the work you are doing. You might never be able to help your father, but the good you are doing for your children right now, I believe, in the end, will save him too, even if he doesn't know... because it breaks the family cycle, and YOU are able to give your children the little good things he did for you, like the silly voice thing when you brush their hair... And it means a lot, even if he never knows. You know. In the end, really, it might be all that matters.

[lm1109]

Thank you so much for your kind words Riverwolf. Breaking the cycle is my motivation to keep going. It has helped a lot to find a good therapist who understands this as well, we all deserve credit for healing our generational trauma, but it's just not something anyone really recognizes! To answer your question, yes my Dad was abused. It's hard to know truths about my  family because I was literally fed lies and kept from everyone growing up. I didn't know my Dad's mother at all, I met her twice. The only thing that I know is that my Mom absolutely despised her and STILL talks about her and how horrible she was, even though she hasn't seen her since I was a baby and she has been dead for decades. I do wonder how much of what I was told was the truth about her. I've actually thought about my Grandmother quite a bit as an adult. Even though we had zero contact with her, she ALWAYS sent me and my brother Christmas presents each year. This was huge for us because we grew up poor and had no other family. In the big box of gifts she sent every year there was always a Disney VHS of the newest movie. I've reflected on what a lifeline this was for me as a kid because I LIVED for these movies. I give myself a lot of credit as a small child, because while chaos was unfolding around me I was on a magic carpet with Aladdin, or singing Hakuna Matata(No Worries) with the Lion King! Amazing how we survive as children! Anyways back to the abuse of my Dad. Either my Grandma was the SAME as my Mom and that's why they hated each other and that's why my Dad married a woman like my Mom(because she was like his mom) or my Grandma was just another victim of my Mom and maybe tried to intervene in the relationship? I most likely will never know the truth about that. What I do know is that my Dad had a breakdown during the quarantine in 2020 and admitted for the first time (to anyone..ever) that he had been sexually abused by a neighbor when he was a child. I was very proud of him for entering therapy and I honestly believed that this was going to be a turning point in our relationship. However, after a few months my Mom told me that SHE called his therapist and told her not to do EMDR therapy with my Dad ever again because he came home afterwards and abused her(I believe this is a total lie) I never talked to them about it again. I believe he quit. They also quit marriage counseling because the therapist called HER out on how she talked to my Dad and she convinced my Dad the therapist was crazy! The sad truth is that he is not allowed to get healthy, because she can't control someone who is healthy. I felt like a lot of things made more sense to me after finding out about his abuse as a child. Honestly, it helped me along in my own healing. When I found out that he had carried that horrible trauma(secret) alone for over FIFTY years, I vowed to never do that! I got a lot more honest with myself about my own traumas and how they've been affecting me. We are only as sick as our secrets is SO true! So in a very backwards way he DID help me along in my healing...and that ended up leading to the understanding that I needed to go NC with both of them..so that really went full circle! Ultimately, when I'm ready to try to have an honest conversation with him it will be HIS decision as to whether or not he will even be willing to talk to me without her present. There is a VERY good chance he will not be willing to defy her and so he may never know these things(that he had good qualities as a Dad), and that's sad for him. I do love my Dad, but unfortunately for him, I finally love myself more! Thanks again for such kind words...I hope you give yourself the credit you deserve as well!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Like you, I am learning to give myself credit every day

I am at a crossroad right now, trying to decide if I will go No Contact or not. I am seeing a therapist for the first time next week, I am hoping this will help me in the foreseeable future and this specific decision.

It is very sad for your dad, but then, in the end, as crooked as it is, it is his decision. He had some way out, healthy people threw him line and he decided not to take them. You might never know why, but I am very glad to read you love yourself more than the pity you have for them (which personnally makes me try to help them and stay around, and I always end hurting myself). I think it our case of abuse, detachment and self love truly is the best we can do for ourselves.

It is always nice to read you, a lot of what you write always resonates with me. Kindred spirits maybe. Maybe it will sound crazy but it's like I feel your authenticity and inner child's heart through your writing somehow.

Hugs

[lm1109]

I agree Riverwolf..we seem to have a lot of similarities within our stories and I always resonate and gain so much insight reading your posts as well! 

"Maybe it will sound crazy but it's like I feel your authenticity and inner child's heart through your writing somehow"

Thank you for this! My personal goal right now is to connect to my inner child and authentic self...so this actually means a lot to me!

I understand the complexity around the decision of going NC. It's honestly been something I struggled with since I was 17 years old. Something shifted in me during my Mom's last abusive episode. I decided that I had tried everything and nothing had worked, so with the guidance of my therapist, I wrote a firm but loving email to explain to my parents that I believed we ALL(myself included) needed some time and space to heal our own traumas and that I sincerely hoped that after some healing we could all have healthier relationships and show up differently for one another. Well... healthy relationships is not my Mom's goal. I honestly had hoped that my parents would somehow see how much they have hurt me and have a change of heart and maybe want to heal..but that didn't happen. I explained that because she had been abusive during our last phone call, that any responses should be through text or email. My hope was that she would actually put some thought into her response instead of having an initial rage to my boundaries. Instead of a thoughtful response from my mom(the little remaining part of her that is not overtaken by bitterness) I received a vile and abusive response from her terrified abandoned inner child. I truly got the feeling that it was her last ditch effort to actually FINALLY break me. It was sad and devastating and I honestly thought for a second that maybe she HAD finally broken me, because I felt so much pain. But what happened when I read that email is that I finally stopped telling myself that it was all ok and that I was ok...I finally had it in black and white...it is so clearly NOT ok and it never has been! Black and white means it can't be gaslit away. It means that anytime I doubt myself, guilt myself, or begin to "forget", or lie to myself, I can go back and reread her vicious abusive words and remember how dangerous she is to me. The email that she sent with the intent to break me actually freed me! It's probably the best gift she has ever given me. I think it really was like a rock bottom for me, I realized that I HAD to start getting really serious about loving myself, healing my inner child, and reparenting myself. I have to put that energy into myself...not them! I'm having a flood of memories (traumatic ones and insightful ones) and I'm NO longer downplaying any of them. They all hurt and none of them are/were ok. Healing is SO messy and sometimes a horrible memory or her painful words will rip into my consciousness like a knife and I find myself hiding in the bathroom crying. Years ago I would've stopped myself and beat myself up for feeling weak, now I know that the brave thing is to actually feel and cry in my bathroom...life is so backwards!  Honestly, once I really started to recognize how deep my wounding actually is, it started to get a lot easier to not beat myself up and start loving myself...easier...but still very much a work in progress. But now I find myself singing that Elton John song...I'm Still Standing in my head a lot....(Another reconnection to my inner child...I loved EJ as a kid) Sometimes I don't even know how I AM still standing...but I am...and her words that once held the power to hurt has been giving me the fuel to be brave enough to battle all of the pain and shame that I was stuffing for so many years. I see where NOT battling those things can lead and I refuse to go there!

My advice about going NC is maybe don't view it as going NC(the forever part always tripped me up)View it as dedicating time to your OWN healing without outside interruptions. You can even put a time limit on it if that makes you feel better(like taking 2 months dedicated to Self)
I've chosen to not put any energy into worrying about wether or not this NC choice is permanent. And so I've decided that I will be NC until I feel adequately healed, authentic, stable within myself, stable in my boundaries, and also not until I have a desire to speak to them again. That day may never come. If that's the case, then I guess that is the consequence of abusing your own children, and they will have to live with that consequence the same way that I must live with the pain of having been abused. Interestingly, for me, this isn't eye for an eye, it's about finally getting myself to the point of forgiveness and the realization that I JUST WON'T EVER get there until I give myself enough space to heal without being repeatedly "re-wounded" by them! It's as if everytime I have ever gotten too close to really healing, my Mom has "played nice" in order to gain access to my wounds so she could rip off the scabs(kind of a gross analogy but sadly true for me) I also came to the realization that I do not have unlimited energy and after being a loving and caring mom, loving and caring wife, and ALSO love and care for myself each day..there is just nothing left over...at least for now! I hope that your therapy goes well...it has been really helpful for me with all of the processing. I have to vent(hence this rant) or it comes out sideways in weird ways! It feels really freeing to admit all of things that I've felt unwarranted shame about my whole life! Thanks for all of your kind words! Sending you so much support! 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Im1109,

Thank you so much.

Your post was very inspiring, and I find not giving an end date, but not necessarily considering the no contact decision as definite a good idea. My mother texted me this morning, and I decided not to answer. I had this dream yesterday of her being highly physical with me, trying to grab my arms to shake me and push me on the floor. I was wondering if maybe I had been hurt physically (other than the teeth pulling), but without remembering it. And this dream came as an answer, it felt more like a memory than a dream. Only this time, I pushed her away. She hurt her head then called the cops on me, and my brother took me in the car with him, we were running away. But then the cops found us and threatened my brother of killing him if he kept going and I screamed to them that SHE was the abuser, not us. It was such an enlightened dream.

But the other deep enlightening moment I had today came from your post. You mentionned Elton John as your favorite singer when you were young and listening to it as a hommage to yourself, and it brought back a memory of me singing and dancing on Laurence Jalbert's Corridor song. And so, coming back from an appointment, alone in the car, I decided to put it on..

Goodness, the tears that started running down my cheeks. I was bawling, I haven't cried so much in a very long time. I saw myself, dancing and I swear... The lyrics... It is as if little me had left a message to future me to come back and take care of her. I cried so so much... And I ended up exhausted but feeling peaceful.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I listened to another song I liked from the same singer, and interestingly, it's a song of a little girl being abused, and the singer is saying : I won't let them take you away. They can break you, hurt you, but I won't let them take you. And again, it felt like a message I sent myself .. and now I am back to take my inner child with me to a safe place.

My abuse is, today, clearer than it has ever been. My mother texted me this morning : "no news, good news, I hope you are happy, I love you." And I felt instant rage, how she can just switch from "good fawn" to "evil witch" in an instant. She can use the words but she sure as hell doesn't feel them or act them out. I felt all the hate, the rage, and I welcomed it as a sign of my healing. I do not feel guilty right now. I feel pure anger toward her and it is perfect like this. I am truly ready to stop minimizing what she did to Little Riverwolf, and heal myself.

Again, thank you for the idea. Such relief tonight.

Hugs.

[lm1109]

Riverwolf, I'm so happy to hear you had such a powerful experience with the songs! Music has been my favorite medicine since I was a kid, I don't know if I would've survived my teen years without it. I recently listened to a song by The Verve that I loved as a kid and was struck by the lyric "I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me" I was in a lot of pain as a kid, with no mirroring, and thankfully music had the ability to soothe my soul and make me feel less alone. My therapist worked in a recovery center for over a decade before starting her own practice and she told me that they would encourage them to create the soundtrack to their lives. She explained that music doesn't just bring back a memory, it can remind you of you are and help reintegrate parts of yourself from different time periods. Thankfully, it seems to work with the positive parts of myself too. I have playlists that I listen to alone and grieve, etc and then I also have a playlist of songs that bring back happy memories (these are primarily memories of me and my brother and friends) and inspirational songs. I'll play these songs throughout the day when I need to and its almost like it's a way of combining my inner child work with my own kids. My kids love singing and dancing to that Elton John song (they already knew it from the movie Sing  I also have songs that I remember roller skating to or singing and dancing to in the car with my friends as a teenager. I felt like I had lost that fun silly part of myself for a while and it feels good to reconnect with her. Processing can be so draining, it's nice to remember that my inner child also just wants to play and to let her guard down to just be silly and have fun too. Sadly, it usually wasn't safe enough for little me to be herself. Music is the easiest way for me to reconnect to myself.

I find your dream SO interesting. I had a dream of a memory about a year ago. It was very vivid and it was a memory of an incident when I was about 8 or 9. In the dream I was watching it, but as my adult self, and it was the first time that I recognized and identified the incident as severe abuse. I didn't understand it as a child and I suppose I hadn't revisited the memory with adult perspective. That dream really sparked me to look at things a lot deeper. Since the incident that caused me to go NC I've also suffered from some nightmares, which usually included me raging, hitting, and/or confronting my mom or dad. I think because I know I will never get this in real life, and I guess on some level I desperately wish for some sort of resolution or release... for myself...without having to delicately handle my abusers with kid gloves since they are the most fragile human beings alive. But..even slight confrontation of her actions makes my mom melt like a wicked witch. And ultimately I know there will never be any validation or admittance of anything, only more gaslighting and pain. So, I guess I was getting all of that out in my dreams. I pay a lot of attention to dreams, I think they're really important!

I hope you continue to find healing in your music! Not sure if you already had your first therapy appointment, if so, I hope it went well!