Stumbled upon this group in a desperate search for information

[Parents! Get help here!]

My DD is 26, has been struggling since age 16, first with what appeared to be anxiety/depression, then Fibromyalgia, an inpatient admission for severe depression, and eventually BPD diagnosis.  In the past 2 years she has been using progressively more and more weed which she adamantly insists helps with both the BPD and the Fibro pain.  Her biological father has a history of depression and alcoholism and has not been consistently in her life since she was an adolescent (her choice).  My husband has been "Dad" to her since she was 4 and has always been a consistent, positive influence in her life.
My DD has had multiple crises over the years, with my husband & I bailing her out both financially and coming to the rescue in whatever mess she has gotten herself into. 
Fast forward to now and another complete disaster, after thinking that she finally had everything together (graduated after 7 years, full time job, moved in w her bf). 
She had become very distant over the last 8 months, all the while claiming she was just tired from work & was otherwise fine. In fact, her relationship has fallen apart, she is in large debt, she has cheated on her bf and is smoking week day & night.  In reading posts of others I am shocked/reassured that so many others are have experienced exactly what I'm going through/have gone through.  I am really struggling with feelings of complete failure as a parent, and have no idea what to do to encourage my DD to get the help she needs.  I am reading about boundaries, but am having a hard time figuring out where to draw the line between trying to help and allowing my DD to become homeless/or other dire consequences of her actions.  This disease is pure hell.  For everyone who loves the person, not to mention the person themselves.  I had a therapist ask me what help I would offer if my child had another type of illness (not mental illness).  Would I pay all her bills and bail her out if it were cancer...well of course yes, but the person with cancer would likely be accepting of help/treatment.  Thank you for listening, and for sharing your stories.

[EmmyLu]

My DD is 26, has been struggling since age 16, first with what appeared to be anxiety/depression, then Fibromyalgia, an inpatient admission for severe depression, and eventually BPD diagnosis.  In the past 2 years she has been using progressively more and more weed which she adamantly insists helps with both the BPD and the Fibro pain.  Her biological father has a history of depression and alcoholism and has not been consistently in her life since she was an adolescent (her choice).  My husband has been "Dad" to her since she was 4 and has always been a consistent, positive influence in her life.
My DD has had multiple crises over the years, with my husband & I bailing her out both financially and coming to the rescue in whatever mess she has gotten herself into. 
Fast forward to now and another complete disaster, after thinking that she finally had everything together (graduated after 7 years, full time job, moved in w her bf). 
She had become very distant over the last 8 months, all the while claiming she was just tired from work & was otherwise fine. In fact, her relationship has fallen apart, she is in large debt, she has cheated on her bf and is smoking week day & night.  In reading posts of others I am shocked/reassured that so many others are have experienced exactly what I'm going through/have gone through.  I am really struggling with feelings of complete failure as a parent, and have no idea what to do to encourage my DD to get the help she needs.  I am reading about boundaries, but am having a hard time figuring out where to draw the line between trying to help and allowing my DD to become homeless/or other dire consequences of her actions.  This disease is pure hell.  For everyone who loves the person, not to mention the person themselves.  I had a therapist ask me what help I would offer if my child had another type of illness (not mental illness).  Would I pay all her bills and bail her out if it were cancer...well of course yes, but the person with cancer would likely be accepting of help/treatment.  Thank you for listening, and for sharing your stories.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi EmmyLu, glad you found the group. This is certainly a place where people "get it" -- that when there's a pwBPD (person with BPD) in your life, "normal" strategies don't work... at all. So, I understand your response here:

  I had a therapist ask me what help I would offer if my child had another type of illness (not mental illness).  Would I pay all her bills and bail her out if it were cancer...well of course yes, but the person with cancer would likely be accepting of help/treatment.

Yes. If only pwBPD recognized they needed help, then we wouldn't be here! Your perspective makes sense.

I am reading about boundaries, but am having a hard time figuring out where to draw the line between trying to help and allowing my DD to become homeless/or other dire consequences of her actions.

That's a core question for so many here.

It seems like you recognize that doing this:

bailing her out both financially and coming to the rescue in whatever mess she has gotten herself into.

hasn't led to the long-term changes and personal responsibility you so hoped she would gain.

So, you're looking for a new way forward, that's healthier. Yet, the question is... how far can you go in allowing your beloved daughter to experience the full consequences of her choices?

Gaining clarity on your own values and limits seems like a good start. I wonder if you could make a list of what it'd look like for you to have "tried everything" for her. That is -- there must be some point, some action, after which you can look at your heart and say, "I genuinely did everything I could". What might be on that list? How far can you go in helping her and retaining your own integrity?

These are important questions because it is likely that your D may "need" more than you have decided you can, with integrity, give. It is so, so crucial that you have a strong sense of self and prioritizing your own health and needs, too, in order to take what may come from her when she realizes you are changing what you're doing. Remember -- how can we help others if we aren't in a place of health and strength ourselves? Your own well-being is just as important as your D's.

...

Interested in your thoughts on this, and let us know how you're doing these days, whenever works for you--

kells76