Living in a loop

[tina7868]

Hi! I have been lurking on this forum for a while now. It's been nice to see the support you guys offer each other. Today, I felt like sharing my story. I fell for someone about six years ago, who was diagnosed late last year with BPD. Our relationship had been a rollercoaster of breakups, makeups, and everything in between. It was my first serious relationship. I felt and feel what I believe is love for this person.

About two years ago, they moved away to another city. We had been broken up for a while. I felt resigned to being a supportive friend. There were still hints of romantic feelings, and the attraction and chemistry was still there. It was around this time that I would say clearly defined cycles started occuring. Everything would be going well in our relationship. There would be, from my perspective, clear signs that they were still interested in me. They'd say things like how I am the one for them, how they want to me to move to their city. Then, something would feel off. It's hard to put a finger on it. I'll try to explain. When this person felt low, they would reach out to me often, calling me sometimes more than once per day. I would try and be there for them. Then, after they felt better, they would pull away. It's then that it would hit me that maybe I am too attached, and I'd try to communicate how I was feeling. Those conversations would not be very fruitful, and I'd conclude that I needed space. I think me saying this hurts the other person, and they'd pull away even more, at this point saying things like how we were never friends, how they don't want anything to do with me, how they don't want me to be a part of their life. I'd be blocked.

Then, out of the blue, usually a bit over a month later, they'd contact me again. One time, they had been speaking to another friend who said how fun it was when we all hanged out. Another time, they thought of me because they had a fight with someone else, which made them miss me. It seems it's often these external factors that cause them to reach out to me. I'd have very strong boundaries at first, but then ultimately the cycle would start over.

I write this today because this person stopped talking to me again a couple of weeks ago. They haven't blocked me this time, which is unusual. I had wanted to go visit them before the beginning of summer, but now those plans are in the air. I messaged them and I am being ignored. It doesn't feel great, but at the same time I don't feel like I am spiralling like I used to. I am taking this time to reflect. I had such hope for this person and our relationship, and that is such a weird thing to say about someone who isn't talking to me. I feel like I can't get through to them when they are like this. I almost wish I could just say, hey, let's acknowledge these cycles, we know eventually we're going to talk again, could we just forward this part? I care about you, and I am not perfect, I'm sorry if I hurt you, can we move on?

I guess the thought that what happens next is out of my control bothers me. I try to take everything one day at a time. I recognize that I am willingly in this position, that if I really wanted control I'd block their number myself and not look back. I am not exactly on pause with my life, I still function and have even been on a few dates, but there is always a part of my brain that is thinking "is today the day we talk again?".

Anyways, I'll end this by saying that this is obviously told from my perspective, and it would be difficult to include six years worth of details in a single post. I guess I just wanted to share, because conventional wisdom would say to block this person and move on. But what if I don't want to? What if I feel like I can handle the pain, and that I believe that they can get better? Am I being stubborn? How can I practice patience?

Reading over my post, I guess I need to get clear on what I want with this person (a relationship, a friendship). To this I'd say, ultimately, I would love to be their partner. Which once again is a very odd thing to say about someone who isn't talking to you, and has said they are disinterested in you. Thank you for reading this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[LexiG]

Ugh I feel this, except I am in the very beginning of what I think is going to be a cycle. If he called me now, I would pick up, no questions asked, even though I know I shouldn't. My sister with BPD is married (and not exactly happily) and I keep thinking I would endure the pain for him like her husband does  for her, and we can learn to compromise like they do. But not talking is so so painful. No advice I guess, but I know your pain right now.

[tina7868]

Thank you for your response! I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I think it's important to try and accept where you are and find empowerment in your choice to be open to contact with him if he calls. Because it is a choice, and since part of the difficulty with the silent treatment is the feeling of not being in control, I feel it's important to highlight this.

Of course all the conflictual feelings coming from aspects like caring about someone who says they don't love you, what other people have to say, and what you feel you deserve come into play to make a lot to ruminate about!

I am hoping, and I hope this for you too, that there is some form of acceptance and peace that can be found so that no matter what the other person is doing, I know that I'm okay. If they come back, great, but if not, that's okay too.

[Cat Familiar]

In some ways, looking back on my dating history, I was similar to people with BPD. I wanted the relationships I couldn’t have and didn’t want the ones that were easily available to me.

I had a fear of partners getting too close and losing my autonomy. I wanted a committed relationship, but I worried about the loss of my freedom.

And often I pined about the one who got away.

What I wonder now is what was it about me that led me into two marriages with BPD husbands? The first one was overly available and with the second one I had to wait a long time.

I know I had a sense of familiarity, perhaps even comfort, with BPD-ish behavior that might have sent other women running for the door. That was because I grew up with a BPD mother and difficult behavior was the norm in my family.

Have you asked yourself why you want to be with someone who isn’t fully committed to being an equal partner?

[tina7868]

Thank you for your answer! You bring up a very important point. I can relate to your feelings of comfort and familiarity with BPD behaviour.

I have family history involving mental ill health. Although I have not been diagnosed myself, close family members have dealt with illnesses, and I have witnessed emotional caregiving, patience, frustration, disappointment, hope, sadness, confusion firsthand since a young age. When my ex partner would call me talking about suicidal thoughts and feeling isolated, I genuinely meant it when I'd say "I am here for you. I am not going anywhere". I feel stubborn in not wanting to give up hope. It's as though getting out of that frame of mind would betray important values to me. When I look at them, I see all these people who I know are deserving of support and love, but who were dealt difficult cards from life.

[tina7868]

Although I am working on acceptance, I feel like I have been living by letting the waves take me. Meaning that, I don't think beyond "I hope we talk again", and then I was caught off guard when this person came back into my life. Although last time I would say I had better boundaries in place than before, the point where things turned for the worst and old patterns repeated was when I had made plans to visit them and couldn't make it after all.

 Would having a more thought out idea of what to do serve me? What would that entail?