Distancing Behavior

[Going Bananas]

I wanted to see if others had advice about what to do when my BPD wife suddenly distances herself from me. It always happens in an instant and always catches me off guard and throws me for a loop. It can be triggered by a single word or comment or sometimes for no reason at all (as far as I can tell). Here are some examples of how she cuts herself off from me:

She often times simply says hurtful things like “I have never understood nor loved her” and that she just has to lower her expectations of me.  Or she says she is just going to stop sharing her feelings with me from now on so she no longer gets hurt by me.

Sometimes I get the silent treatment for a day or two and won’t speak with me except for short responses like I am a stranger.  She switches to “me” or “I” statements like all of a sudden she is not in a relationship with me.

Or sometimes she just leaves the room gets in her car and is gone for several hours. She turns off her location on her phone and will not answer anyone’s texts, which upsets our kids.

When I try to ask her why she is upset it just makes it worse and more hurtful things come out of her mouth. She says I should just know how she feels and the fact that I don’t (and have to ask her) shows how much I don’t love her

A few days later she starts saying how I am her only friend and soulmate and she cannot count on anyone else.

I just never know when the cycle will repeat.  How should I respond to these rapid changes?  I try to just ignore the behavior or comments and go about my own life to remain sane. It is hard for me to try to get close to her again emotionally or physically when she acts normal again a few days later like nothing happened. I never know when the cycle will begin again.

Any advice on what to say or do in these situations? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alterK]

Hi Going, and welcome to the forum! People with BPD don't have a lot of resources for coping with the minor stresses that are part of any close relationship. Because the are so frequently at their limit, they paradoxically experience themselves as very tolerant people. They don't understand how low that limit really is.

Thus, they have a very easy tipping point and often feel they have to protect themselves against something they feel is an intolerable threat. This can be a misunderstood word, something that may seem trivial to us, but that triggers their fight or flight reaction. We who live with them experience this as the emotional roller coaster, whose ups and downs often seem incomprehensible. It can drive us crazy, but to them it all makes perfect, compelling sense.

Sadly, there is no magic formula for dealing with this difficult behavior. Everyone who is on this forum is here because they have struggled with some version of it in a person who has been important in their life. You can begin by understanding that fear and the compulsion to defend against it are a big part of BPD. If you haven't yet done so, I suggest you look at the books listed in the Tools section of this website. They can give you a better handle on the situation and teach you some relationship techniques that may help.

[thankful person]

Hi going bananas,
I totally relate to your situation, my wife is a lot like this. It’s hard to be so cruelly criticised, especially when you are trying so hard to get things right. Alterk is right, there is so much to learn on here, and from the bpd books. I have found that my wife behaves differently, since I changed my responses to her behaviour. The more you try and work out what you did or said wrong, in my perception it’s like this confirms to the pwbpd that what you did or said was wrong… and the cycle continues. Apologising or trying to make things right, when you don’t feel you did anything wrong, makes you out to be even more of a bad person, in their eyes. I worked on my own self-care and self-confidence and learnt to talk to myself kindly. I say much less in response to any rants on her part and they seem to die down much quicker without fuel added to the fire as they say. You are doing your best under difficult circumstances. Your wife will never see things exactly as you do. But I found as I worked on being less upset about my wife’s words and behaviour, she has mostly stopped being that way towards me.