Daughter with bpd - attempted suicide

[Kol]

Hi everyone, I have an 18 year old daughter, who has recently been diagnosed with BPD.
I am currently in the hospital with her due to a suicide attempt by overdosing on aspirin  pills.
She is currently seeing a psychiatrist and is on the waiting list for DBT. But it seems that the wating list is extremely long, which has been very discouraging for all of us..
My dear sweet daughter  has been cutting herself for the last year or so and this is the second time in less then 2 months that I have been to the ER with her, 1st time for suicidal thoughts (before she turned 18) and today for actual suicidal attempt.
She was “fine” yesterday until she went to bed when she apparently lost 3 friends (these 3 friends no longer want to be her friends) and that is apparently when she lost it and cut herself and took the pills, she says when she is sad she feels like her life is over and has no meaning and she will be forever sad.
I am currently sitting here beside her bed in the hospital  watching her text her friends, one moment she is laughing as if nothing had happened and now after being in the hospital the whole day she is upset and crying and texting her friends and scratching herself and hitting her head and legs in the bedrail… all I could do is watch and ask her to talk to me but she won’t let me in, she won’t let me help her, any suggestions coming from me are answered with “it’s not going to help”.
My daughter is not aggressive, she is usually a sweet person but for the last 2 years it has  been up and down with us, it’s like we are only there to cook and clean for her, drive her places and pay for her things, that’s where we fit in her life, other than that” we just don’t understand.”
I know  she is struggling so much with life and her diagnosis right now, things have really started to deteriorate in the last 2 months, with the excessive crying and cutting and self harming and now the suicide thoughts and actions.

I don’t know what to do, how to help, how to set boundaries, what kind of boundaries are necessary, reasonable..
I am at my wits end, I am scared for her life everyday, I am scared of coming home and her having done something irreversible..
I don’t know what to do, i also have  an 8 year old at home  and I  had been noticing all that is going on is having a  negative affect on her, we try to protect her from it the best we can but she still sees most of it. .
I don’t know how to protect neither of my kids from this, I don’t know how to protect the oldest from living  it and the other from having to see it.
I am at such a loss, I always though of our family as an emotionally healthy family, but I guess we are not, my daughter has always been loved, protected and cared for, but there is something that we did wrong but I can’t figure out what..
I am not saying we were perfect, of course we aren’t,  but we were not horrible to having  had caused this…. we tried our very best and we did everything for her and now it seems like she hates us,  everything we read about BPD seems to indicate this is our fault. I want to see where I went wrong so I try to not repeat it with my little one, but not even that she will tell me..

My daughter had always had some issues growing up like extreme social anxiety, she was always a perfectionist, put a lot of pressure on her self to be perfect at everything, eventhough we never asked or expected it of her, but she did…

I don’t know what to do, I am scared to take her home from the hospital, I am scared everyday, every moment for both of my kids.
I have my husband that supports me but eventhough he is trying his best he is struggling in not seeing this as some attention seeking behaviour..
I feel so very alone and so, so exhausted and I am really struggling..
Sorry for the extremely long post, it feels nice to vent
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tanager]

Hi Kol,
    I just read your post and had to respond because I could have written it myself. My daughter is 25 now, but we went through almost the exact scenario when she was  your daughter's age. It's good you have found this site and posted your story.  It helps so much to realize so many other parents are on this same journey. It has helped me so much. For so long I blamed our parenting for my daughter's pain, even though I know my husband and I have done our best. Your love shines through your words and I hope you will be kind to yourself.  All the best.

[Kol]

Hello Tanager, thank you very much for responding to my post and for your kind words.
I am happy I found this forum, it helps to talk about these things with people who actually understand it.
I am sorry you went through the same things with your child.
How is she doing now? Has things gotten better? Worse? Same? Is she in treatment? I know your story won’t be the same as mine.
But Somehow I think it might help to know how  your struggles and journey are progressing , but only of course if you want to share of course.
If not, I once again thank you for your kind response.
Take care and all the best to you and you family .

[kells76]

Kol, welcome. I'm with Tanager; it's a good thing that you've opened up here and shared your story. What I hear coming through is how much you want to lift up your daughter, care for her, and find some way to take away her pain. You would do anything for her, we know that.

Can I ask, did she get the BPD diagnosis a while before her current hospital stay? If so, how did she take the news then? Did she seem accepting of the diagnosis, or dismissive, or...?

So many of the tools and skills here for having a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) are counterintuitive. For example, when we hear them expressing pain, agony, and despair, we so desperately want them to see the good in life, the good in themselves, the hope. Yet, when we try to encourage them and be positive, they often feel rejected, misunderstood, and hurt, and they don't want to take our suggestions. Why?

When a person is deeply depressed or suicidal, one need they have is to have their experience validated (of course, you may have heard of validation before). Validation doesn't mean agreeing with them (i.e. it doesn't mean saying "Yes, you're right, life isn't worth living"). It is more like seeing why it makes sense for them to feel the way they feel right now.

I wonder how it'd go for you when you're sitting with your beloved daughter, and it's this kind of moment again:

I am currently sitting here beside her bed in the hospital  watching her text her friends, one moment she is laughing as if nothing had happened and now after being in the hospital the whole day she is upset and crying and texting her friends and scratching herself and hitting her head and legs in the bedrail… all I could do is watch and ask her to talk to me but she won’t let me in, she won’t let me help her, any suggestions coming from me are answered with “it’s not going to help”.

... if you tried something different (I think I'm hearing from you that you aren't sure what to do, and it seems like some things you're doing aren't helping?).

What if instead of offering suggestions, you tried some validation? I'll post a link to an article we have here about "not invalidating":

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

which is often an easier "entry" into validation.

One way it might look could be:

"Honey, you must be feeling indescribable pain to want to end your life". That's it.

Notice: there is no follow up of "...but really, life is great, if you just look around!" or "...but suicide is NOT a solution, you need to XYZ instead"

Notice you also aren't agreeing with her choices. It's more observing what's going on with her, and letting her know your observation. It's possible that she may feel more seen and understood, and then be more willing to open up, with that approach.

Another example phrase might be:

"Honestly, it makes sense that someone would hurt themselves if they're feeling overwhelmed at such an intense level" (or something).

Again, it's not about agreeing that what she's doing is appropriate or healthy. It's more about noticing that "well, if I were in your shoes, and had oppressively intense emotions, I too might try some pretty extreme stuff to cope with it all" (though maybe don't say that exactly!)

It would be interesting to see how she responds when you can be validating and truly mean it. Of course, like I mentioned above, this may not be new to you, so my apologies if it's "old news".

How is she doing today? How are you doing today?

Keep us posted on how else we can help.

kells76

[pursuingJoy]

Hey friend, thanks for sharing your burden with us.

I've been ok lately, but it's been a rough morning. I hope it's ok to commiserate.

I have 3 girls, divorced their dad in 2006 and was their primary caregiver. Last year my 18 yr old, the middle one who likely has BPD, whipped her sisters into a frenzy with a few outlandish lies that came out of nowhere. All three of them, 17, 18 and 21, moved out completely and have cut me off.

I did a darn good job of balancing full time work as a single mom for most of their upbringing, managing my own mental health and being mindful of theirs, trying to make the best decisions for them, trying to be consistent when their dad was not, backing them up, loving, supporting and encouraging them, and now I have nothing. I was really close with all three and now 'I don't have any qualities they deem worthy of sustaining a relationship.' Their stepdad, who they adored when they were younger, is the 'worst human being they know,' mostly because he's a conservative leaning white male who served in the military and owns weapons. D18 says I did things that I absolutely, unequivocally did not do. It is bizarre.

Most days I'm ok - I enjoy gardening and working out, volleyball and just life. Today, I'm in my office with the door closed crying and wiping tears because I have a meeting in a few minutes. It's just so sad. I miss my kids. Even if D18 has BPD and has trouble regulating her emotions, I've also lost my other two.

Not the life we envisioned for ourselves or our kids, is it? D18 was committed to behavioral health for suicidal ideation when she was 14. She told me she didn't plan a career because she didn't think she'd be alive long enough to have one. It was so painful to watch. Hug from one mom to another. I know the courage it takes to get up every day and just keep going.

[Kol]

Thank you Kells76 for all the great advice and for the article.
I have  heard about validation before but  I have to admit I have an extremely hard time actually applying  it in real life. Like you said it’s counter intuitive. But I guess it’s a leaned skill  and I hope that I will one day be able to use it in a natural, meaningful way.
I will be reading the article you sent me and hopefully  many others  this site has to offer in order to try to better care and understand what she is going through. It has been overwhelming coming home and I feel like I am just now staring to breath again.
As per when she was diagnosed, apparently it was around January of this year but I only found out myself in March when she was hospitalized.
She seems to talk about her diagnosis in a very clear and understanding way, not many emotions involved when talking about it per se.
I know she has been having a harder time since she had been diagnosed though but i don’t know if it was because of the diagnosis or she was already like that when she got the diagnosis and we just didn’t see it.
But I am sure it can’t be easy hearing you have a personality disorder.

For us it’s a very new  diagnosis and also experiencing the behaviour that comes   with it, it’s like now that we know she can feels like she can be more open about  how she feels  to us, or maybe it’s because it got worse since March (she says it did) or maybe it’s because we inquire more. I am not sure, but since March it’s been a real frightening roller coaster for all of us, where even when we are down there is no relief from the fear because we know  we are going to go  up again soon.

We left the hospital after being there for 24 hours and her seeing a psychiatrist who basically said there is nothing they can do for her except what she is already doing (seeing her own psychiatrist and waiting for treatment)
Feels so discouraging to know that this can happen at any time again. I am in constant fear now, fear that this will happen again and felling powerless to stop jt.

She seems to be doing okay since leaving the hospital, she is going to work, school and living her life but one can see she is just not happy. And it’s hard to tell with her, one minute she is okay, the other something happens in her world, her mind and she goes to into a crises where she hurts herself.

As hard as it is we are trying to take it one day at a time, and just hoping that she will be able to hold on until she is able to get treatment.


Again, thank  you so much for checking up on us. .
I really appreciate all your kind  words and advice.
All the best to you.

[Tanager]

Kol,

You are doing so many things right from the beginning of your daughter's diagnosis, such as getting on the waiting list for dbt therapy.  We live in a small town, and haven't had good access to such resources. Kells76 has given you information about validation, which has helped me. J.A.D.E. is also a good technique.  Reaching out to other parents is such a support, and I wish I had done so sooner.  I am a private person and my husband is very independent. We should have sought our own therapy rather than going it alone.  All the best to you and your family.

[kells76]

Hi Kol, hope you had some positive and peaceful moments this weekend.

Tanager made a good reminder about the acronym JADE, which reminds us how not to approach a conflict! I'll post a link to a workshop here that walks us through what each letter means (briefly, the workshop lists them as Justifying, Attacking, Defending, and Explaining) and how both to avoid using those approaches and to find a better way:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Check back in whenever works for you -- no pressure.

[victoriousmama]

Kol, I can relate to your situation. My daughter just turned 18 and has been in a crisis for almost 4 months now. She's had 4 big episodes that could have ended tragically, including drinking bleach which landed us in the hospital for 2 days.

We had to install cctv cameras in our house so we can keep an eye on her and not have to be in the same room at all times. I understand so well that fear of finding her when it's too late. It feels like being held hostage because my husband and I have not been able to leave the house at the same time since the first week of March. One of us has to be here to watch her. We have even engaged a caregiver service to see if we can get someone to come stay with her so we can still have a life. Fortunately we live outside of the States so this kind of service is much cheaper, but still costs money.

We are spending close to $1000 a month on therapy, medication, psychiatrist, etc. It's exhausting. Im not sure I have a solution for you but just know you are not alone. It's hard.