At this point I just want to help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is going to be long but I will try to keep it short.
Where to start...
We met just under 2 years ago on a mental health support server on discord, she was having a rough time with her boyfriend at the time and reached out for help, which I gladly gave her at this point neither of us were interested in the other we were simply helping each other as we were doing with others on the server, we realised that we lived around 3-4 hours from each other and decided to meet along with another friend from the server (he was also her ex and he ended up realising what was best for him was to cut her out of his life completely).  Things moved on from there, we both started getting feelings for each other, and I ended up making the mistake of falling for the obsession/idealisation stage.
We had moved in together as I could do my uni studies from home due to Covid.  We then moved into my parents' second home because we both wanted a 'fresh start' as she hated still being in that area because of constant reminders of people that hurt her.   She became close and attached to someone new living in the US and started getting paranoid about me (for context he would constantly be saying my actions and me getting frustrated at my uni work not going well was toxic for her, etc...).  We broke up she returned to her parents, but the loneliness of being 'in love' with someone on the other side of the planet was too much for her and she started feeling suicidal, contacted her ex mentioned above and also contacted me saying she realised she still loved him and me and did not know what to do.  I told her she could come over if she so wished and we could talk, a mistake clearly as I fell for a new idealisation phase.  We found an apartment together and moved in and she has now left me again for someone new who is more her type physically because she started thinking about him.  This time she did tell me fairly early on and told me she hated having these thoughts about him but did not know what to do as she was afraid she would end up acting on them and end up hurting me.  That changed quickly, in less than a week she had pretty much made up her mind she did not want to stay with me and wanted to pursue him.  Her new obsession phase is actually remarkable and I hate that I find it kind of fascinating, he is not a dead beat and is more her 'type' physically but is definitely lazy and has done things in this situation and in his past that she has regularly complained about and said she hates in men.  He has cheated, he did pursue a friend's girlfriend (my ex has a strong hatred and distrust of her sister because her sister used to message and pursue her boyfriends) but ignores all these, along with his regular drinking and weed use, something I pointed out but of course it was futile by this point.  They are both under the delusion that they have known each other for years (they were distant friends at best) as she only learned about his past relationships or even his actual name during that week (details I'd known about him before she did).
This whole thing started at a bbq we had with friends where she got drunk and they locked eyes and he asked her ('what are we going to do about this?') at that point he was also in a relationship, I cannot deny that she let it happen as it takes 2 to tango, but he did ignore everything she said to him when she said she still loved me and tried to clear things up the next day.  And I am still worried he will end up hurting her at some point as in some ways I feel like he is just playing along/enjoying the obsession phase but knows that in the long run it could never work out.  I say this because his last relationship was with a psycho (massive stalker and almost scary) but he went back to her 5 or 6 times because he 'had nothing better' and he is still getting stalked apparently, but refuses to block said stalker, will not show my ex what they are saying and refuses or is reluctant to change his number.  On top of that I do not trust anyone going after a friend's SO, his drinking and general laziness (he apparently hasn't applied for a licence for his job that he should have applied for for a while now).
In any case, I did not mention that my ex has BPD because it hasn't officially been diagnosed, she only started seeing a therapist when we were together because I encouraged her to as she was struggling with work stress and thoughts of self-harm, but she definitely has all the traits and the only reason she hasn't been diagnosed is because her therapist sees it more as a list of symptoms and does not see that point of labelling someone.  I should mention as well that she has been diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager and I believe she has both BPD and ADHD. 
I have come to realise that I fell in love with who she was when with me, who she was also before we were together and the person that I believe she can be and possibly is, but the lack of self-identity means I am no longer in love with who she is now.  She used to hate teenage like relationship, did not want to be showered with gifts, receive roses or things like that, but now I checked her instagram (this actually helped me realise this) she is exactly that, acting like a teenager, having a picture of them together with the caption 'All I need' etc...  It is why all I want right now is to be how we were before we even became interested in each other, just a trusted friend who helped her overcome work stress helped her seek therapy and I would like to help her basically find her 'own' identity and seek therapy to treat her BPD, not just for work stress.  During the whole situation I had to basically insist she see her therapist, who basically said she enjoys the 'thrill of the chase', I must admit that I don't believe he is the right therapist or that the approach she and he has is the right one to treat BPD but that is not my issue.
Even though I feel like I am not in love with how I see her now, I cannot deny that the lack of contact hurts, but I know it is best and that during the idealisation phase the only thing she wishes to do is to spend every minute of her day talking or seeing him, but she has abandoned almost every passion she had, she left the mental health support server she started because she said she felt her time was over in it, which may be true as she feels over the moon at the moment but I feel like abandoning everything you cared about is unhealthy.  Anyway I wrote this mainly to get things off my chest, it hurts still, I am an over thinker by nature and cannot help but overthink this, I know I made mistakes by falling for the idealisation and arguably enabling it, but I also know that I gave her her healthiest relationship yet, we never fought, we had disagreements but would just give each other some space and then apologise because we realised it was pointless.  It is also odd because I feel like the devaluation is happening after the breakup, she left whilst still being confused and admitted that, indicating she still loved me, but right after she got annoyed with me for 'changing my mind' something she was doing continuously and the day she left me she couldn't even find anything she disliked about me. 
I also know there is a chance of course that it will work out between them, although with untreated BPD I highly doubt that, and he is not exactly hiding any red flags (something she might be unconsciously noticing as she has already contacted a mutual friend about the stalker thing and needing to motivate him to do things that would help HIM {the whole licence thing and changing phone number}).  I also know it is possible that next time we meet she might be attracted to me again as that has happened in the past, just like she might think about me at some point as she has also done that in the past, but I am just trying right now to be prepared for those eventualities and be clear that as much as I still picture getting married to her and having kids with her, I cannot believe those things without her actually treating her BPD and figuring out who she actually is.
I also want to mention that we were careless at one point and ended up having to get an abortion and that getting her pregnant was when I realised I wanted kids with her, this is still something that I am trying to get out of my head and know it will take time and I am trying to focus on doing things I enjoy like getting back into climbing and trying new things.
I am glad that her best friend still sees me in a good light and I do plan on going to see her and saying goodbye as she was always incredibly welcoming and friendly to me and glad that she sees me as having been my ex's best partner.  I did also learn that my ex's love for her new bf is still superficial (his hair and his smell) and that she has tried to 'reason' her decision by saying things like we grew apart, which I cannot agree with as we had just moved into a new place, had planned holidays together and were talking about getting another car so that once I had graduated (hopefully in a month from now) I could use my car and she could use the other one we bought.  I also learned she has started drinking beer and smoking weed (I have nothing against either but I do worry she will drink and smoke as regularly as him and build a dependency) and that she felt 'free' with him, which I must admit I think is more to do with the weed, the fact she feels like she has finally made the decision and because she is not realising that she is committing to him, as whenever something like this happens she questions if she is polyamorous or not.  I don't believe she is or even wants an open relationship, because we did open it up and she still left and I don't believe she would be comfortable with the idea of her partner being with someone else.
Anyway I'm sorry for the long ramble just wanted to get this off my chest, I do genuinely hope that she will end up treating her BPD and ADHD and that I will at least get my friend back but I know that I cannot count on it and cannot let that stop me from progressing with my life.

[AlienGoat]

This is going to be long but I will try to keep it short.
Where to start...
We met just under 2 years ago on a mental health support server on discord, she was having a rough time with her boyfriend at the time and reached out for help, which I gladly gave her at this point neither of us were interested in the other we were simply helping each other as we were doing with others on the server, we realised that we lived around 3-4 hours from each other and decided to meet along with another friend from the server (he was also her ex and he ended up realising what was best for him was to cut her out of his life completely).  Things moved on from there, we both started getting feelings for each other, and I ended up making the mistake of falling for the obsession/idealisation stage.
We had moved in together as I could do my uni studies from home due to Covid.  We then moved into my parents' second home because we both wanted a 'fresh start' as she hated still being in that area because of constant reminders of people that hurt her.   She became close and attached to someone new living in the US and started getting paranoid about me (for context he would constantly be saying my actions and me getting frustrated at my uni work not going well was toxic for her, etc...).  We broke up she returned to her parents, but the loneliness of being 'in love' with someone on the other side of the planet was too much for her and she started feeling suicidal, contacted her ex mentioned above and also contacted me saying she realised she still loved him and me and did not know what to do.  I told her she could come over if she so wished and we could talk, a mistake clearly as I fell for a new idealisation phase.  We found an apartment together and moved in and she has now left me again for someone new who is more her type physically because she started thinking about him.  This time she did tell me fairly early on and told me she hated having these thoughts about him but did not know what to do as she was afraid she would end up acting on them and end up hurting me.  That changed quickly, in less than a week she had pretty much made up her mind she did not want to stay with me and wanted to pursue him.  Her new obsession phase is actually remarkable and I hate that I find it kind of fascinating, he is not a dead beat and is more her 'type' physically but is definitely lazy and has done things in this situation and in his past that she has regularly complained about and said she hates in men.  He has cheated, he did pursue a friend's girlfriend (my ex has a strong hatred and distrust of her sister because her sister used to message and pursue her boyfriends) but ignores all these, along with his regular drinking and weed use, something I pointed out but of course it was futile by this point.  They are both under the delusion that they have known each other for years (they were distant friends at best) as she only learned about his past relationships or even his actual name during that week (details I'd known about him before she did).
This whole thing started at a bbq we had with friends where she got drunk and they locked eyes and he asked her ('what are we going to do about this?') at that point he was also in a relationship, I cannot deny that she let it happen as it takes 2 to tango, but he did ignore everything she said to him when she said she still loved me and tried to clear things up the next day.  And I am still worried he will end up hurting her at some point as in some ways I feel like he is just playing along/enjoying the obsession phase but knows that in the long run it could never work out.  I say this because his last relationship was with a psycho (massive stalker and almost scary) but he went back to her 5 or 6 times because he 'had nothing better' and he is still getting stalked apparently, but refuses to block said stalker, will not show my ex what they are saying and refuses or is reluctant to change his number.  On top of that I do not trust anyone going after a friend's SO, his drinking and general laziness (he apparently hasn't applied for a licence for his job that he should have applied for for a while now).
In any case, I did not mention that my ex has BPD because it hasn't officially been diagnosed, she only started seeing a therapist when we were together because I encouraged her to as she was struggling with work stress and thoughts of self-harm, but she definitely has all the traits and the only reason she hasn't been diagnosed is because her therapist sees it more as a list of symptoms and does not see that point of labelling someone.  I should mention as well that she has been diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager and I believe she has both BPD and ADHD. 
I have come to realise that I fell in love with who she was when with me, who she was also before we were together and the person that I believe she can be and possibly is, but the lack of self-identity means I am no longer in love with who she is now.  She used to hate teenage like relationship, did not want to be showered with gifts, receive roses or things like that, but now I checked her instagram (this actually helped me realise this) she is exactly that, acting like a teenager, having a picture of them together with the caption 'All I need' etc...  It is why all I want right now is to be how we were before we even became interested in each other, just a trusted friend who helped her overcome work stress helped her seek therapy and I would like to help her basically find her 'own' identity and seek therapy to treat her BPD, not just for work stress.  During the whole situation I had to basically insist she see her therapist, who basically said she enjoys the 'thrill of the chase', I must admit that I don't believe he is the right therapist or that the approach she and he has is the right one to treat BPD but that is not my issue.
Even though I feel like I am not in love with how I see her now, I cannot deny that the lack of contact hurts, but I know it is best and that during the idealisation phase the only thing she wishes to do is to spend every minute of her day talking or seeing him, but she has abandoned almost every passion she had, she left the mental health support server she started because she said she felt her time was over in it, which may be true as she feels over the moon at the moment but I feel like abandoning everything you cared about is unhealthy.  Anyway I wrote this mainly to get things off my chest, it hurts still, I am an over thinker by nature and cannot help but overthink this, I know I made mistakes by falling for the idealisation and arguably enabling it, but I also know that I gave her her healthiest relationship yet, we never fought, we had disagreements but would just give each other some space and then apologise because we realised it was pointless.  It is also odd because I feel like the devaluation is happening after the breakup, she left whilst still being confused and admitted that, indicating she still loved me, but right after she got annoyed with me for 'changing my mind' something she was doing continuously and the day she left me she couldn't even find anything she disliked about me. 
I also know there is a chance of course that it will work out between them, although with untreated BPD I highly doubt that, and he is not exactly hiding any red flags (something she might be unconsciously noticing as she has already contacted a mutual friend about the stalker thing and needing to motivate him to do things that would help HIM {the whole licence thing and changing phone number}).  I also know it is possible that next time we meet she might be attracted to me again as that has happened in the past, just like she might think about me at some point as she has also done that in the past, but I am just trying right now to be prepared for those eventualities and be clear that as much as I still picture getting married to her and having kids with her, I cannot believe those things without her actually treating her BPD and figuring out who she actually is.
I also want to mention that we were careless at one point and ended up having to get an abortion and that getting her pregnant was when I realised I wanted kids with her, this is still something that I am trying to get out of my head and know it will take time and I am trying to focus on doing things I enjoy like getting back into climbing and trying new things.
I am glad that her best friend still sees me in a good light and I do plan on going to see her and saying goodbye as she was always incredibly welcoming and friendly to me and glad that she sees me as having been my ex's best partner.  I did also learn that my ex's love for her new bf is still superficial (his hair and his smell) and that she has tried to 'reason' her decision by saying things like we grew apart, which I cannot agree with as we had just moved into a new place, had planned holidays together and were talking about getting another car so that once I had graduated (hopefully in a month from now) I could use my car and she could use the other one we bought.  I also learned she has started drinking beer and smoking weed (I have nothing against either but I do worry she will drink and smoke as regularly as him and build a dependency) and that she felt 'free' with him, which I must admit I think is more to do with the weed, the fact she feels like she has finally made the decision and because she is not realising that she is committing to him, as whenever something like this happens she questions if she is polyamorous or not.  I don't believe she is or even wants an open relationship, because we did open it up and she still left and I don't believe she would be comfortable with the idea of her partner being with someone else.
Anyway I'm sorry for the long ramble just wanted to get this off my chest, I do genuinely hope that she will end up treating her BPD and ADHD and that I will at least get my friend back but I know that I cannot count on it and cannot let that stop me from progressing with my life.

[kells76]

Hey AlienGoat, welcome to the group -- glad you decided to reach out and get things off your chest.

You've had quite the journey, and before saying anything else, I just want you to know that this part of your story stood out to me:

we were careless at one point and ended up having to get an abortion and that getting her pregnant was when I realised I wanted kids with her, this is still something that I am trying to get out of my head and know it will take time and I am trying to focus on doing things I enjoy

so I definitely acknowledge the loss you went through. I think in modern culture there can be tacit "expectations" that especially if you're the guy, it's no big deal, but I don't think that's true. You lost a child and a dream for a family, so we are here to listen to as much or as little as you want to talk about that.

More experienced members will definitely be here to share and support as well (the pwBPD in my life isn't an ex or romantic partner, so my "vibe" can be a little different), because you aren't the only one to have to watch your ex be with someone else... but maybe be open to being with you... but maybe not... and you are in this decision zone of -- what do you really have control over.

I do genuinely hope that she will end up treating her BPD and ADHD and that I will at least get my friend back but I know that I cannot count on it and cannot let that stop me from progressing with my life.

This is an important insight to have. I hear you balancing wanting better for her with acknowledging that it's not a guarantee.

Have you checked out this article yet? While it comes more from a "what if it's my child/sibling/family member with BPD", many of the principles still apply when you're wondering about if/how pwBPD can enter treatment:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Keep us posted on how you're doing and how climbing and your other interests are going, whenever works for you;

kells76

[Rev]

Hi AG

Welcome. And thank you for that testimony.  These are the words of a kind heart.

I'd encourage you to keep venting it out and give your body time to catch up to your mind. Overthinking can be tamed somewhat by accepting loss through recognizing the pain in causes and letting in run its course - however long that may be.

Hang in there and continue to share. Eventually the questions will come regarding what the next right thing to do for yourself will emerge. And then the answers. And eventually you'll live into new habits.

A good heart at peace will never steer you wrongly.

Rev

[AlienGoat]

Hi AG

Welcome. And thank you for that testimony.  These are the words of a kind heart.

Thank you both for your replies, this part really touched me, I cannot deny a darker side of me hopes that it doesn't work out between her and her new bf, not because I do not wish her the best, but because I cannot feel comfortable wishing the best for someone who I believe does not deserve it because what he did was in my opinion about as disrespectful as it can get.  
I learned today through a mutual friend that she is not mad at me and does not hate me and is willing to talk, not that I want to right now, but she told him that apparently she has been unhappy for 2 years (give or take the time we were together on-off) something she never mentioned to anyone before, or mentioned to me in our time together.  This definitely feels like her trying to rationalise her choice and because of the new honeymoon phase our relationship seemed dull in comparison, I cannot deny that this does somewhat hurt but that at the same time, until she is able to be happy on her own and know who she is, her happiness will be dependent on whoever she is with and that it will not last.  Not only do I know for a fact that she was not unhappy during those 2 years, maybe at times because Covid stopped us from doing certain things, but mainly because at the beginning of our relationship she was also over the moon and unfortunately certain things did cause her to be unhappy but those were out of my control and I did everything I could to help her through them.  I also know that certain things we didn't do because she was not in the mood to do, I gave her her most serious relationship with the moving in and living together and until she can be happy on her own and can accept that the honeymoon phase is not indefinite she will never be truly happy.

Yes sadly there is this impression that abortions only affect women but that is not the case, I am dealing with it ok though fortunately.  I know that the best thing for me is to continue focusing on my hobbies and doing the things I was scared to do like let my hair grow out, I finally got my ears pierced.  I think I will also try and meet new people who share similar passions and who also know they share said passions.

I can't deny that I still feel like I am not really being devalued or that it is an unusual devaluation in the sense that instead of hating me or seeing me in black she is trying to rationalise her decision by devaluing our time together.

[Rev]

This definitely feels like her trying to rationalise her choice and because of the new honeymoon phase our relationship seemed dull in comparison, I cannot deny that this does somewhat hurt but that at the same time, until she is able to be happy on her own and know who she is, her happiness will be dependent on whoever she is with and that it will not last.  Not only do I know for a fact that she was not unhappy during those 2 years, maybe at times because Covid stopped us from doing certain things, but mainly because at the beginning of our relationship she was also over the moon and unfortunately certain things did cause her to be unhappy but those were out of my control and I did everything I could to help her through them.  I also know that certain things we didn't do because she was not in the mood to do, I gave her her most serious relationship with the moving in and living together and until she can be happy on her own and can accept that the honeymoon phase is not indefinite she will never be truly happy.

Hi again AG,

There's lots in what you have shared. And this piece here, is where (at least for me) the toughest part lies in moving forward.

I have coined a phrase - "People who live with a BPD condition live in a world of feelings based facts.:"

Essentially what I am getting at is that because pwBPD are not grounded emotionally, and at times are emotionally vacant (like everything, it's on a spectrum), what they perceive in the moment is based solely on what they feel in the moment. What they remember from the past, is equally based on what they feel in the moment.  What they interpret regarding your intentions and your motivations, then and now, is based on what they feel in the moment. Nothing more than that.

Nothing less either. The implications of what I am saying are pretty important in terms of healing.  Ultimately it means that the only closure we can obtain is the closure that we give ourselves.

Since memory is largely stored in the body, and since these relationships are so emotionally charged (meaning that they in fact impact our bodily memory, I have coined another phrase:

As you learn about what you lived, as your read books or watch YouTube (careful what you read and watch - goes without saying), remember this: "Give your body time to catch up to your mind".

Someone told me at the beginning of all of this - Rev, it does get better, even if right now it doesn't feel like it.  On that note, I am sorry to hear about the abortion. Not that I am anti-abortion, but that the loss (albeit different) is not only felt by the mother carrying the child. The other parent (father or other mother) will feel it too. And that can be exacerbated by the feeling of "my feelings don't count" here.  I wonder if spending some time grieving that on its own might not lighten part of the load you are carrying.

So nice to chat with you. I hope this helps.

Hang in there.

Rev

[AlienGoat]

Hi Rev,

I think that is an accurate description of her right now, I do not mean to say that I am perfect or that things did not become more routine, but yeah her obsession and new honeymoon phase are clearly making her feel like she was unhappy up until that point, unable to accept there is actually a nuance to it all.
It does hurt to hear but fortunately I feel like I am able to rationalise it quite well and be understanding that her BPD is most likely causing her to say this.
My closure is that right now as much as I want her back or want who she was back, I do not need that I am not dependent on her to be happy or on anyone to be happy, I am capable of living alone and have done so often in the past and I cannot let what I want stop me from doing the things I need.  I also need to be less 'afraid' of what people especially she might think if i post whatsapp statuses and things like that, because those are not my problems and should never have been.
And maybe her new relationship will be perfect bliss for a long time but I think as soon as she needs to start living alone buying herself a car and having more normal day to day stresses and things start settling it will resurface, as well as all my mistrust of her new bf.  But those things are her issues, I want to help her if I can, but it is not my job, I cannot if she believes she doesn't need the help and cannot if she doesn't want the help and they cannot stop me or slow my life's progression.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi Rev,

I think that is an accurate description of her right now, I do not mean to say that I am perfect or that things did not become more routine, but yeah her obsession and new honeymoon phase are clearly making her feel like she was unhappy up until that point, unable to accept there is actually a nuance to it all.
It does hurt to hear but fortunately I feel like I am able to rationalise it quite well and be understanding that her BPD is most likely causing her to say this.
My closure is that right now as much as I want her back or want who she was back, I do not need that I am not dependent on her to be happy or on anyone to be happy, I am capable of living alone and have done so often in the past and I cannot let what I want stop me from doing the things I need.  I also need to be less 'afraid' of what people especially she might think if i post whatsapp statuses and things like that, because those are not my problems and should never have been.
And maybe her new relationship will be perfect bliss for a long time but I think as soon as she needs to start living alone buying herself a car and having more normal day to day stresses and things start settling it will resurface, as well as all my mistrust of her new bf.  But those things are her issues, I want to help her if I can, but it is not my job, I cannot if she believes she doesn't need the help and cannot if she doesn't want the help and they cannot stop me or slow my life's progression.

I've paid attention here AG and I just want to say I am happy to see your direction. "But those things are her issues, I want to help her if I can, but it is not my job, I cannot if she believes she doesn't need the help and cannot if she doesn't want the help and they cannot stop me or slow my life's progression." - This sounds like what I have said many times to other members on these boards to help empower them.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[AlienGoat]

I've paid attention here AG and I just want to say I am happy to see your direction. "But those things are her issues, I want to help her if I can, but it is not my job, I cannot if she believes she doesn't need the help and cannot if she doesn't want the help and they cannot stop me or slow my life's progression." - This sounds like what I have said many times to other members on these boards to help empower them.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Hi SC,

Thank you for your reply, I can't deny that it is hard to stay in that mentality, with my mood swinging regularly, worrying about my ex because I just cannot come to believe that her new boyfriend is healthy for her in any way and that with his past of cheating and also being interested in others, although she may not be afraid he will leave her right now and I cannot deny that if I believe she can change I have to believe he can, but I just don't understand why she would even risk this, but like with most things with BPD, it is irrational.  Just like leaving someone out of fear of cheating on them or hurting them just to then cause them hurt is irrational at best.
I also cannot deny that I still think that we were good for each other, in the sense that it is in my nature to want to try new things and change from routine, that maybe I did not show that enough or did not 'push' it enough but that it matches her desire to also 'change scenes' and that in that aspect our communication may not have been good enough.  I know that in some ways I 'sacrificed' many things whether because of money or because of Covid I should not have stopped trying new things waiting for the moment it would have been easier to do so.
I also cannot deny that I do still love her, and so I am glad she is happy right now, with what my 'friend' did by chasing after her I cannot be comfortable in wishing it works out for him, it is spiteful I know, but in that aspect I cannot wish for someone who showed me and my relationship so much disrespect happiness with the person I love and sadly still do want. 
I made a joke to my friend and my brother that I needed to be kicked in the head by a horse as a bit of a reset because my brain is still sometimes worrying that it will work out between them because right now he is love bombing her and she him but also because they have shared friends that they do things with as well and she seems to enjoy that environment considerably right now and seems happy with her new job.  However, I know that without treatment it would require a miracle for it to work, she has had 13 different boyfriends since she started dating at age 14 (as far as I can remember) and she is only just about to turn 23 and unless her exes have done something she deems unforgivable like cheat on her she has never painted one of her exes black forever.  I know that it is best to just detach, but it is definitely a long road ahead, and I do worry that I will continue to love her and want her for a long time, as I am very similar to my younger brother and he has yet to fully get over his ex (non BPD) and it has been almost 2 years that they split up now.
Finally, I cannot deny that similarly to past posts on this forum that I did actually help her improve and that maybe I will end up having been the 'stepping stone' for her to finally have a long term committed relationship; again I still think that is unlikely as her BPD is still going untreated and so would require her to not get 'bored', reminisce, want a change or get drunk and start flirting with someone new who then returns that attention.
I'm sorry for the long wall of text, but as much as I am trying to focus on myself and returning to hobbies I missed and to trying new things again these worries have been hovering over my head regularly.  Along with the question of what exactly other than his long hair being slightly taller a 'new environment' and the 'new shiny' aspect could I not give her?

AlienGoat

[AlienGoat]

Sorry also wanted to add that these are just the 'miracles' that would be needed on her side let alone the miracles I think her new boyfriend would need to have for a committed relationship to work.  I do also hope she does not start having a dependency on alcohol and weed, like I said previously I have nothing against their use in moderation and in certain scenarios, but that from what I have learned these can actually cause BPD symptoms to be worse and from stories I have heard people who suffer from BPD can easily develop a dependency/addiction. 
I also wish that I had gone into this relationship (and I guess the second one back in December) knowing what I know now of BPD, I had done some more reading into it in December but still feel like I have learned even more now than before and that if helping her overcome it/helping her seek the help she needs, not just seeing a therapist when things start going wrong but instead actually treating her BPD through regular therapy (and medication if necessary) to learn how to better handle her emotions and her perception of them would result in her realising we are not good for each other then so be it.  But it hurts knowing that she left still having feelings for me, knowing that she told a mutual friend she felt almost devastated we needed to get the abortion because she knew it would be hard for us to conceive when we were ready for a child all this because she is unable to control her thoughts and feelings.  Again apologies for the walls of text and the almost flip flopping with my mood between posts.

AlienGoat

[Bvcruiser]

Here is something that I have learned and want to share, being that it is exactly 4 months for me. I became obsessive after the discard reading everything about bpd, watching every video that I could find about bpd. But what helped me most is this site. I realized that I am not alone. I have accepted that no contact is rough, but has been for the best.

I am in my acceptance phase now, but still miss what I never had. I accept that a borderliner is nothing more than an actor/actress looking for a new director and new movie set. However, the borderliner accepts the role, goes through the set, but they eventually walk out on the set, and there is no ending to the movie. Just wasted time and resources. By now, they have found a new director and are now mirroring the new script. If you see this actor/actress of a borderliner, they will be a different person based upon their new role. Again, the new director will be left too. Sadly, it’s their routine and way of life.

It’s better to just leave things be. Don’t worry about the borderliner and their new adventures. Focus on yourself and what can make you better. You deserve it. If they pick up on the slightest that you care, that is only a positive for them. Cut off their supply, focus upon yourself, and know what you want and will not accept in the next love that enters your life. Me personally, I am giving the dating scene a break. I have started talking talking to a therapist to figure out why I let a toxic person in my life from the start. It’s about me right now, not about finding another.

You will feel better in time, and find that things get better in time.

Remember, it’s better to be single and happy, instead of tied down and crappy.

[SinisterComplex]

Sorry also wanted to add that these are just the 'miracles' that would be needed on her side let alone the miracles I think her new boyfriend would need to have for a committed relationship to work.  I do also hope she does not start having a dependency on alcohol and weed, like I said previously I have nothing against their use in moderation and in certain scenarios, but that from what I have learned these can actually cause BPD symptoms to be worse and from stories I have heard people who suffer from BPD can easily develop a dependency/addiction. 
I also wish that I had gone into this relationship (and I guess the second one back in December) knowing what I know now of BPD, I had done some more reading into it in December but still feel like I have learned even more now than before and that if helping her overcome it/helping her seek the help she needs, not just seeing a therapist when things start going wrong but instead actually treating her BPD through regular therapy (and medication if necessary) to learn how to better handle her emotions and her perception of them would result in her realising we are not good for each other then so be it.  But it hurts knowing that she left still having feelings for me, knowing that she told a mutual friend she felt almost devastated we needed to get the abortion because she knew it would be hard for us to conceive when we were ready for a child all this because she is unable to control her thoughts and feelings.  Again apologies for the walls of text and the almost flip flopping with my mood between posts.

AlienGoat

AG...no apology necessary. I and the team here encourage more communication on here for good reason. You cannot keep this stuff bottled up. That is unhealthy. The more forthcoming and transparent you are the more you will receive in return. Being vulnerable can be tough, but here we are family and we are all about helping each other. So no need to feel ashamed for your changes in mood. We get it.

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

Here is something that I have learned and want to share, being that it is exactly 4 months for me. I became obsessive after the discard reading everything about bpd, watching every video that I could find about bpd. But what helped me most is this site. I realized that I am not alone. I have accepted that no contact is rough, but has been for the best.

I am in my acceptance phase now, but still miss what I never had. I accept that a borderliner is nothing more than an actor/actress looking for a new director and new movie set. However, the borderliner accepts the role, goes through the set, but they eventually walk out on the set, and there is no ending to the movie. Just wasted time and resources. By now, they have found a new director and are now mirroring the new script. If you see this actor/actress of a borderliner, they will be a different person based upon their new role. Again, the new director will be left too. Sadly, it’s their routine and way of life.

It’s better to just leave things be. Don’t worry about the borderliner and their new adventures. Focus on yourself and what can make you better. You deserve it. If they pick up on the slightest that you care, that is only a positive for them. Cut off their supply, focus upon yourself, and know what you want and will not accept in the next love that enters your life. Me personally, I am giving the dating scene a break. I have started talking talking to a therapist to figure out why I let a toxic person in my life from the start. It’s about me right now, not about finding another.

You will feel better in time, and find that things get better in time.

Remember, it’s better to be single and happy, instead of tied down and crappy.

LOL...BV I swear you copied and pasted one of my responses. Ha.  "You will feel better in time, and find that things get better in time.

Remember, it’s better to be single and happy, instead of tied down and crappy. "  -

I have said this countless times to various members. The point is...it is one of the most important things to learn and one of the most empowering as well. This is a concept many struggle with however. So something I want to mention again here for the audience...please focus on understanding the difference between being alone and being lonely. They are 2 very different animals. When you can learn to be alone and be happy you have more power and control over yourself. If you allow loneliness to take over you are coming from a place of weakness and desperation and that is never going to lead to a good outcome.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[AlienGoat]

Update:

Quite a bit has happened, I have learned that she was mad at me for how i was 'acting', basically because i haven't answered her messages, but she is aware that i do not deserve it and it's not my fault.  AKA  (how i interpret this) she is mad at herself for destroying yet another healthy relationship in the exact same way and hurting me but it is easier to be mad at me than at herself.  She has also contacted me several times (and my younger brother) to ask if i was OK, has also asked me if i knew where the blades were.  Her mood swings/calls to attention are then sometimes interrupted by mundane things like 'don't forget to bring back the dog's light collar'. It is astounding how vastly different her messages are.  I am proud of myself though because not only did i give my older brother my phone when drunk and high when she messaged me saying 'Alien, it's me please answer me' to which he accidentally answered but then clarified it was him and that i did not want to be contacted by anyone, but i have also blocked her for the time being because she contacted me again, nothing dramatic but nothing necessary either...  I can only assume that the more dramatic messages or asking how i am is when she was drunk (it was the night of her birthday and she probably got drunk) or when she is not with her new boyfriend or at work, basically when she has no other distractions, as she is quite self aware but when distracted/obsessed everything else goes out of the window.
She has no right to know how i am though and so do not really plan on answering those sort of questions.
I have written this, which i will not send to her ofc although may post on r/unsentletters on reddit as that is the purpose of that sub (she however is part of it and knows my reddit username, so may use a throwaway account).  For context my nickname for her used to be Satan (she was into metal, curious about witchcraft and satanic rituals and symbols), she loves legend of zelda and norse mythology, all of which she was into before we met (although all of those are probably out of the window now that she is a 'hippy' as her new boyfriend is a 'hippy').

'Dear satan,

I never realised how accurate that nickname would be.  You made me believe that the devil may indeed exist.  You punish all those that love you and yourself most in the process, burn them and hurt them but I still love you, I guess I like the pain that comes along with your love.  

You were Zelda and I was Link, I would have travelled across the world just to be with you regardless of what was in my way; but as we got closer to our goals things fell apart as always.  I am still haunted by how close we were, by our loss because we weren't ready.

I've realised though that you are like a drug, addictive and no one can be your drug, as no one can give you that high forever, you keep looking for your next fix as your previous high fades.  

It is time I become my own drug, be high on my own supply, not on that of others, I hope some day you will do the same as I believe only that will bring you true happiness and not fleeting highs.  I hope that I will someday see you in the fields of Valhalla.

But until then this is goodbye my love.'

On a different note, i am mostly enjoying my trip to paris seeing my cousin and a friend but it was a trip we had planned together but oh well.
Apologies for the wall of text.