Lost Control

[Sunflower123]

I've been posting about how my pwBPD w/NPD traits has been threatening to sell our condo and he was also having a long-distance affair. After following the advice I received here he started warming up to me, but he was still showing me hot and cold behavior. I've been experiencing a lot of stress because of this. 

Then last Thursday night, right before bed I received a call from my parents in the USA that my brother (only 33) was being airlifted in a helicopter to a specialist hospital and was dying. He has no known underlying conditions so this came as an extreme shock to me. I had just talked to him.

My pwBPD was on the phone with "the other woman" at the time and I had to text him that it was an emergency. He came out of his office and found me on the floor crying. He stayed next to me the whole night while we both waited for updates from my family.

Over the weekend, my brother was slowly stabilizing in the hospital but had severe pancreatitis and they thought he may be bleeding internally. He was kept in critical care. I asked if I should get on a plane, but my parents told me to stay because all the flights were being canceled into their city due to a snowstorm. My pwBPD was surprisingly supportive of me. We ordered food for us (made sure I ate) and watched shows, he spent a lot of time with me. He worked from home on Monday. I was a nervous wreck the whole weekend and terrified every time my phone rang. 

I heard him talking to his friend at some point and he was saying that "the other woman" was furious that he hadn't been calling her for days. And she was suspicious of who he was with. And then they decided to "end things" and just be friends. When I checked my social media she was still stalking my stories and both of their profiles still had the secret love each other code visible, so I'm not sure.

Then yesterday, my pwBPD did go back to the office for work. When he got home he asked me how my brother was. I told him that he was still in the hospital and is waiting to have surgery, but he is stable. He was acting weird and shut himself in his office. He mentioned to me that next week he'd be gone again all week for a business trip. Then late that night, right before I was getting ready for bed, he found me and casually said that he would be contacting the realtor to schedule the next step in selling our condo.

He had not talked about this for a couple of weeks. I asked him if he could please wait a bit because of what was going on with my brother and I was under a lot of stress. I told him that I felt like I was going to be pushed over the edge with stress and couldn't handle more.  I also reminded him that he would be gone next week anyway so he couldn't have the realtor come over.

He got very angry and said I'm acting weird. He started calling me names and getting agitated. Then he let it spill that he's been in contact with the realtor this whole time. Even though he promised to include me in the communications and he already hired him! He claimed he told me he hired him, but he definitely did not tell me that! 

My pwBPD started yelling that I'm not involved in any of this and he's paying for it, not me. He told me if I do not cooperate with his plan to sell there will be trouble and he knew he couldn't trust me. I tried to get him to calm down and talk, but he demanded that I leave him alone. I walked away.

And then it happened, I'm really not proud of any of this, but I think it was all the stress I had been experiencing... I just lost control. I did everything that you should not do in this situation.

I started yelling and telling him I hate him and how could he do all this to me. I was yelling and crying and saying how he was hurting me so much. I told him I knew about his girlfriend back home and how she's stalking me on Instagram. I just let it ALL OUT. And I couldn't stop myself. I realized that I was acting just like him in a rage.

But I kept going. I told him things he's said to me like, "he's my enemy" and how much I hate his guts, etc. I kept screaming how can he do this to me when I needed him the most? I told him he has no empathy and what is wrong with him. I screamed that it was really over and I'm done with this and he doesn't deserve me. I was also saying how much I've done for him and reminding him of everything that I did that he wanted and what I've sacrificed in this relationship and he doesn't appreciate any of it. I told him I was going to tell everyone what he's been doing to me including his new girlfriend. I told him I'm hiring an attorney, I never wanted to see him again. And more I hate yous...uncontrollable crying...

He laughed at me through his closed office door and mocked me. He came out a few times to sling insults back and tell me I look like "sh**" because I was crying. He finally said that now I did it. Now we were enemies and he will no longer help me with anything or be there for me. He said it's all over and I did it. He told me he's canceling my health insurance and my phone plan. He told me he's also going to get an attorney and now we aren't friends. He told me never to talk to him again and that's what I wanted. Then he started saying his classic lines of he never was in a relationship with me and I would never leave and he never wanted me here. He doesn't like me.   

When I finally got control over myself again, I went into the bedroom and realized with dread what I had done. I knew that everything was the worst I could have done. I felt sick with regret and couldn't sleep all night.

Now today, he went to work, and came home, locked himself in his office. He will not talk to me at all. He even ignored a package by our door (he would usually bring those in for me). He gets up to use the restroom and slams the door. Now, I don't know what's going on with the realtor and I'm just exhausted, ashamed, and terrified. I do feel really bad for saying most of the things I said. I've been in tears all day. I'm thinking how has it come to this?

I'm not really sure if there is anything I can do anymore or if this is unfixable. I feel really alone and just not like myself. Not sure where to go from here. I realize that this is so unhealthy. I still really do love my pwBPD. I wanted to try to work on things. I'm worried I'm really going to be homeless and I've been trying to contact a few attorneys but having trouble getting a response.   

I'm so overwhelmed with everything and know I've made everything worse. I feel so so low and feel like it's all my own fault. I had a plan for how I was handling this situation and I sabotaged it. I acted just like my pwBPD and it feels awful.

I would apologize, but that tends to make him angrier, so I'm leaving him alone.

Where do I go from here?



 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi Sunflower,
I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I hope your brother is ok. Please don’t beat yourself up for losing it with your partner. This has happened to me many many times with my wife. That’s why it’s known as a “crazy-making relationship”. Pwbpd really are impossible, they literally can drive you insane and have us running rings round them playing games we can never win. One of the best things I’ve learnt from bpd family is to look after myself better. You are a caring and loving person who is worthy of love and respect especially during such a difficult time. Your partner cannot give you the support you need right now. He tried but they just don’t have the patience or understanding that you or I would have. You need to give yourself some loving care and tell yourself it’s ok, you are not a bad person and not responsible for his feelings. You’re right it’s best not to say sorry and usually best not to say much. With my dbpdw she magically gets over things much quicker if I don’t make a big deal out of it. It goes against my instinct to apologise and make things right at times when I have done wrong. But she can’t cope with it for some reason and would rather move on like nothing happened. I am thinking of you.

[kells76]

Hi Sunflower123,

Your partner cannot give you the support you need right now. He tried but they just don’t have the patience or understanding that you or I would have. You need to give yourself some loving care

thankful person raised a good point -- unfortunately your pwBPD has some severe limitations in his ability to empathize, support appropriately, and focus on your needs. Often, times of higher stress bring out these attributes even more.

You're not alone in having a pwBPD in your life who can't handle others having needs or crises. My H's mom apparently had many more BPD type traits in the past (I believe she has worked hard to recover over the last ~10 years). When her H had a serious, life-threatening accident, and the family was called to the hospital, from what I heard from my H, instead of her focusing on her H and children, she made it all about her and her emotions. I'm sorry you're going through that, too, during a time when he should have kept supporting you, instead of enacting self-fulfilling prophecies of his "abandonment."

I wouldn't necessarily put a lot of weight on what he says while activated as being "absolutely true and what will happen" -- while he has talked about selling the condo in the past, it could be that he went back to that topic while raging just because it was "close at hand" in his mind, versus him rationally telling you actual plans.

Perhaps give yourself the next few days (as he locks himself away) as time to rest, recuperate, have some alone time, and decompress. As your brain settles down over the next few days, you will likely have more wisdom and insight into paths forward. Trust that even though you have real fears right now (homelessness), "future you" will be very capable of handling them. Maybe your job right now is to take care of "present you".

 

[SaltyDawg]

Where do I go from here?

Since you are on the 'reversing a breakup' forum, I will not give you specific advice on staying or going.

Only you can make that decision for yourself - what is best for you.  Only you can take care of yourself. 

Since this is also the 'bettering a relationship' forum, I previously gave you advice on how to win back a relationship when there was competition from 'another woman'.  From what you described, this advice worked somewhat, he did comfort you, and I still believe that he is conflicted.

However, the 'other woman' also feels and knows about your presence, and is doing her best to win his heart too.  Even though it is incredibly unfair to you, and you should not have to do this; but, you are in a competition for his heart.  He should not be treating you this way; however, your reality is otherwise and that is incredibly insensitive of him to do that to you.

With respect to real estate agent, do you have a name and number?  If so, this tells me that he is serious about following through on his threat since he has been consistently telling this to you for many weeks.  If he has not shared specifics, I would give Kells advice more weight where you should not put a lot of weight into him selling the condo.

Your man is definitely conflicted in what he wants to do.  By 'losing it' on him, you have pushed him towards the 'other woman'. 

Now I am going to circle back to your question... "Where do I go from here?"

That's up to you, but let's review the facts [as I see them] - the facts are not pleasant.

* There is the 'other woman' he talks to in his office all hours of the evening - is he more interested in you, or her?
* You want to stay in this relationship, even though there is the 'other woman' that you want to get rid of.  Is this situation 'ok' with you?
* The 'other woman' is aware of you, and is manipulating him to leave you - and this justifiably makes you very upset as she is moving in on your man.
* You are aware of the 'other woman' and you are trying to win his heart back by trying to make yourself more appealing to him than the 'other woman'.
* Currently he is physically with you; however, his mind is on her.  How do you get his mind off her so he can be with you?
* Currently he is physically with you, and enjoys your company, and cares for you, except when you attacked him [I understand fully why you did that].  How do you stop attacking him in the future, so this will not happen again?
* He is conflicted.  He will likely choose the path that is more pleasant to him, he can choose between you, and the 'other woman' - possibly he can choose to have both in the short term.
* The condo.  He has been telling you for weeks about selling it.  Use the 'condo' as a gauge on how serious he is about leaving you for the 'other woman'.  If he follows through on his threat [you see a listing for the condo] then you know he has likely chosen the 'other woman' and you need to plan accordingly.  If you don't see a listing, don't know the agent, and have only been told about it - he is still likely conflicted.

What I personally see is one of two things [that you must choose, I will not give you any advice] on where you go from here...

1.  While you don't like it, you are 'tolerating' that there is another woman in your man's life, and you want to stay and the 'other woman' to go.  If you stay, you need to make yourself more attractive to your man, in his eyes, than the 'other woman' so he chooses you over the 'other woman'.  If you choose this, know that there is still a risk of him leaving for the 'other woman' no matter what you do.

Also, in order to make yourself 'more attractive', you will likely say and do things that you thought were and are beneath your dignity; are you 'ok' with this?

2.  You are sure that he is going to pull the rug from under you by selling the condo [by seeing an actual real estate listing for it] and he is more than likely to leave you for the 'other woman'.  You must make a Plan B - whatever that may be in order to take care of yourself.

Also, you need to look at your own moral compass, and ask yourself why are you still with a man who is more than likely having at least an emotional affair, if not an actual affair?


Please do 'self-care', and please figure out what is best for you, as only you can take care of your self.

 

[Sunflower123]

Thank you for your replies. My brother is stable now and back home. Still needs to do some testing, and might need more surgery, but it seems like he will be okay right now.

My pwBPD still has not spoken a single word to me. I tried to say hi yesterday and today when he came home from work and he ignored me. He spends all his time locked in his office. If he needs to use the restroom he literally runs and slams the door. He never even asked me how my brother is :/

Today he came home with big shopping bags from an expensive clothing store. It looks like he bought himself all new clothes. This is usually a bad sign of things to come.  He then went into his office and is talking to someone (might be the other woman). I have not heard him talk to her since Sunday so I'm not sure. He also told a friend that they are just friends now and it won't work out.

He absolutely seems like he has split me again and really badly. I'm devasted and scared he's going to try to prove his point and be as mean as possible. I'm not sure if I want to continue in this relationship because the bad times have been really bad over the past year. The infidelity is not okay with me either and I don't feel like competing with other women. I truly love my pwBPD and I have a difficult time not seeing him in my future so this really hurts me to think about it.

I am, however, trying to buy more time in any case. Right now I'm in a very bad situation to try to leave. I was working on building up my networks and becoming financially stable.

I'm trying to do self-care in the meantime. I've also contacted a lawyer to find out my rights, and I'm continuing to see my therapist. 

He's really hurting me by shutting me out. I've been through it several times before, but this time it feels worse with everything else going on. I feel like I have no one to talk to. My parents are not being supportive of my situation. 

Should I just keep ignoring him if I want him to come around? He seems dead set on proving a point. With his NPD traits, he can get very nasty when he feels wronged.

He's just overall gotten much much worse over the past year. He refuses professional help. He's been taking a drug for hair loss and I'm also wondering if it could be making things worse...

I feel like anything I do is the wrong thing and he's constantly looking for reasons to prove how terrible I am. It's so scary how he can't see how much he's hurting me.  I just want to love him and for us to be happy together. We used to have a lot more "good times" in between and those were worth it to me. I'm starting to wonder if it's not the BPD and he just really wants me gone. I don't know him anymore. I'm completely exhausted.

update: I just sent him a quick text that we need to order cat food. He sent me money w/o responding. (wasn't sure if he'd even look at my texts, guess he didn't block me this time)

He came out of his office for the first time. He ordered dinner for only himself from a restaurant I really like. He's sitting in the kitchen and eating it VERY loudly :/

[SaltyDawg]

I'm glad that your brother is doing better.

Sounds like your pwBPD is 'stonewalling' you.  Buying new clothes [for a new life] doesn't sound good either.  Sounds like he is still sore about the fight that you guys had, how long ago was that? 

I hear you that you don't want to continue in this relationship and infidelity is not okay, and I understand your hurt.  Only you can make a decision on what you want and need to do with him, and I know you have some really strong feelings for him.

I know you need to 'buy more time'.  Please ask yourself this question as though your are advising a friend or a family member who might be in a similar situation "what would you advise them to do"?

If you want to buy more time, perhaps, consider apologizing for 'losing it', but not the content of why you lost it on him, especially if you want him to come around again.  Perhaps, fix him his favorite meal/snack - the 'carrot' method is always better than the 'stick' method for getting what you want.

Definitely do 'self care' and continue to find out your rights, and definitely continue to see your therapist.  BTW, what does your therapist recommend?

You mentioned that "My parents are not being supportive of my situation."  Do they know the 'full extent' of the affair?  If not, remember, they are not mind readers and you will need to 'englighten' them so they can understand what is really happening.  If I knew my daughter was in your shoes with the infidelity, I would buy a plane ticket back home, and sort out the fallout after she landed back home.  However, if I only knew about a vague disagreement, I would encourage her to work it out as I know couples have disagreements from time to time.

At least you know he cares about the cat, since he sent money w/o responding to your text, send the apology for getting upset and ticking him off, send it before you go to bed, when you get up, and perhaps one time in between if you want to buy yourself 'more time' and perhaps not be so mean.

He is very toxic, and very spiteful, especially with the dinner order - don't let that get to you, even though it clearly does.

Only you can take care of yourself.  Consider what I mentioned about your parents, do they know the whole truth, and ask them for help, even if it means humbling yourself to do so.

Take care, by taking care of yourself.

[Sunflower123]

The fight happened last Wednesday night, so I guess it hasn't been that long. He spoke a few neutral words to me this morning, about the garbage cans. I responded in a calm and neutral way. I asked him if he'd like a coffee because I was making one. He said no thank you, took out our garbage and then left for a while. I'm assuming he got something to eat.

He came back home and shut himself in his office again. I am thinking of apologizing as you said. He won't talk to me much so I'm thinking a text might be better. I'm a little leary because in the past apologies can go either way.
Sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes it worse. It always takes him a long time to come around after the apology.

Currently, it seems like he's "cooperating" with me about practical matters around the house, but just not interacting with me or doing anything nice for me that he might normally do. He's going out of town for a business trip on Tuesday-Sunday.

Do you think I should send him a short text like, "You don't have to respond, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry"
...or would it be best for me to wait it out a bit longer? Sometimes it seems like he tries to be nicer to me when he's afraid I'm mad. It's a difficult balance. 

I'm trying to respect his space right now because he gets very agitated in this state if he thinks I'm not in any way. I don't want him to block me because he hasn't this time. I don't want anything I do right now to be taken as a threat or for him to accuse me of "lying". This has all happened in past situations. I'm really trying to mend this and not make it any worse. Ugh, I just want to apologize and it's so stressful.

I also heard him say to his friend today that he is definitely going to let his relationship fizzle with the "other woman". She wants to be friends and maybe meet up if they are ever in the same town. And he said he's just not interested in trying to make it work.

[Chief Drizzt]

Glad your brother is doing better.  I had pancreatitis once and was laid up in the hospital for 10 days.  It’s not joke.

Oddly enough the whole 10 days I was in the hospital my wife only visited me once.  At the time I didn’t know what BPD was or that she had it - but she couldn’t give me much as far as sympathy goes.  Same thing when my father passed away years ago.  It’s weird and frustrating that they can’t give it.  They need it so badly themselves but seem incapable of giving it….

[SaltyDawg]

Sunflower,

   You know your man better than any of us ever will.  Please follow your 'gut' and not what I or others tell you.  What I am doing is 'brainstorming' the best possible way in your seemingly 'impossible' situation where you want to stay in a relationship with a man who has his eyes on another potential love interest, other than you and is considering dumping you [selling the condo] and/or her [what you have overheard about her].

   For me, I know what I would do with my moral compass; however, as this is the 'reversing a breakup' form, I cannot make that suggestion to you on what I would do personally.  However, I can ask you "What advice would you give a good girlfriend if she were to find herself in a situation like yours.  What advice would you give her?"

   I can empathise with you, as I too feel trapped by the woman I love, for financial reasons.  You have a different set of circumstances, but you are also trapped for financial reasons.  It is a very strong reason to feel that way.

   I am going to break down what you told me in italics, which are my observations.


The fight happened last Wednesday night, so I guess it hasn't been that long. He spoke a few neutral words to me this morning, about the garbage cans. I responded in a calm and neutral way. I asked him if he'd like a coffee because I was making one. He said no thank you, took out our garbage and then left for a while. I'm assuming he got something to eat.

BPD cycles generally last from several minutes to a day or two, rarely much longer when they are triggered and then return to baseline.  Time between triggers can vary depending on outside circumstances and are triggered because of a misperceived slight against them, no matter how minor.  Learn his cycles, learn what triggers him, learn the nuances of his behaviors, so you know when to approach him [when he is baseline], and when not to approach him [triggered].


He came back home and shut himself in his office again. I am thinking of apologizing as you said. He won't talk to me much so I'm thinking a text might be better. I'm a little leary because in the past apologies can go either way.
Sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes it worse. It always takes him a long time to come around after the apology.

I think 'texting is good'.  How you text will be very important.  Guys like their egos stroked.  Do be truthful.  If you are trying to rekindle his passion for you, you may have to think back when you first met, and do things for him when your romance started, even if are not inclined to do it now.  I am not suggesting doing something that you find repulsive, if that is the case, don't do it.  However, if you want to reconnect, you may want to consider offering him something that he cannot get over the phone locked in his office and something that you have done with him before and you are 'ok' doing it even though you are not embracing that behavior now.

I am going to be frank, 2/3 of all men like sex, whereas 1/3 of all women like sex.  Men like the act of physical touch, women like the thought of being desired by their man.  If your man and you both desire this, I would suggest being very forward with him, and offer him some 'make-up' sex in your apology.


Currently, it seems like he's "cooperating" with me about practical matters around the house, but just not interacting with me or doing anything nice for me that he might normally do. He's going out of town for a business trip on Tuesday-Sunday.

Is this a short business trip, or one in the direction of your 'competition'?  I know that you desire to be 'interacted' and want him to be 'nice' but if he is doing this to see 'the other woman' this may be a factor in how you go about apologizing.


Do you think I should send him a short text like, "You don't have to respond, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry"
...or would it be best for me to wait it out a bit longer? Sometimes it seems like he tries to be nicer to me when he's afraid I'm mad. It's a difficult balance. 

Please try not to take offense; however, it sounds like you have a bit of a temper too with your interactions with him, especially if he treats you nicer when you are mad.


I'm trying to respect his space right now because he gets very agitated in this state if he thinks I'm not in any way. I don't want him to block me because he hasn't this time. I don't want anything I do right now to be taken as a threat or for him to accuse me of "lying". This has all happened in past situations. I'm really trying to mend this and not make it any worse. Ugh, I just want to apologize and it's so stressful.

'Misery loves company' comes to mind.  He gets anxious if you are not anxious.  With regards to the 'lying' accusations, never lie to him.  However, you don't have to over explain either and tell him too much truth either.  You need to be tactful in the amount of truth you tell him and how you tell it to him not to make it any worse.


I also heard him say to his friend today that he is definitely going to let his relationship fizzle with the "other woman". She wants to be friends and maybe meet up if they are ever in the same town. And he said he's just not interested in trying to make it work.

This is a good sign for you.  However, what you communicated the other day, is that she was very upset with him when he spent that time comforting you over your brother's hospitalization.  From what you have shared, it sounds like the 'other woman' is NOT willing to let the relationship fizzle.  What, if anything, have you overheard him saying about you to his friends?

Looping back on how to do an apology.  Avoid being critical of his actions [even though you have every right to be], do not make him defensive of his actions [even though it is warranted], do not stonewall him [by avoiding the topic like you have been, and he has too].  Combine BIFF and SET, express your desires to reconnect, you can choose to be either overt or covert in your message.

I would suggest something along the lines of...

"I was out of line the other day by yelling all kinds of stuff [if you regret saying it, express that, if you don't regret saying it, omit mentioning regret] that obviously hurt your feelings, and I am very sorry for hurting your feelings and screaming at you the way I did.  I don't like screaming, I really would like for things with us to be like the way they used to be as I am really passionate about us."

[send a photo of you and him when things were good between you two, or you can be more overt and send a 'sexting' type photo with the following caption:]"I really would like to be held by you and make things up with you" [hinting at romance or just pure lust - your choice, follow your 'gut' here on what would achieve your desired result with him].

If he has a favorite dessert / sweet / treat.  Prepare it for him.  Again, use your 'gut' on this, either invite him out to partake of it.  Or, if he is still slamming doors and locking him in his office, knock on the door and give it to him [as a peace offering / olive branch].

Repeat if you are not successful.  No more than one to 3x per day, again, follow your 'gut' on how much it is too much for him.

One last thing, try to mentally do a roll reversal.  If you were him, and he you, what would you want him to do to you to 'win your heart back' if you were the one stonewalling him and locking yourself in a room? ...and then do that for him.

I have just shared with you what would win my heart back in that situation; however, I am not your man.  You need to figure him out, and since you have been with him the longest, only you have the best answer to that question.  Follow your 'gut' on what you need to do as long as you don't cross any personal boundaries regarding your own moral compass.

Take care.