Trying Again - 17yo DD with likely BPD

[Simon1969]

Hello.  I first posted here in Feb. and got no replies.  I'm here again because I'm overwhelmed and need support.  My dd is 17 and has dropped out of high school and all but moved in with her boyfriend.  Her self care is poor, and she is not emotionally stable.  After about 5 years of dealing with her emotional struggles and now finally getting an unofficial diagnosis that fits all of what is going on, we are exhausted.  Our current struggle is that she is "unable to live at home because it triggers too many negative emotions and memories for her" to be able to cope or work on getting well.  On one hand, her absence has been wonderful -- more peace in the home.  BUT she is a minor and has no job.  Her boyfriend is providing for her financially.  And though she can't be HERE, she ahs NO issue roping us in when it suits her, including using the house as a crash pad during the day and hauling us out of bed to help her process crises in the middle of the night. Her therapist has asked her dad and me to come up with a list of boundaries around her not living here that address our concerns for her self care while trying to let her be gone much of the time.  But dd made it clear yesterday under NO circumstances will she agree to stay here at all. . . . So we find ourselves in this horrible no man's land of being responsible for her but having no control over her but being 100% expected to be there for her whenever she faces a crisis that she cannot handle on her own.  It's a horrible position to be in.  Has anyone else been in this particular situation?  I welcome any feedback -- I feel so alone in this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Simon 1969
Having a BPD child must be up there as the most stressful, chaotic ways of living in my opinion. You have already had 5 years of chaos - all forms of chaos probably - and now dd is just 17 years of age and you have to deal with this situation.

A couple of questions if you don't mind answering, just to get a clear picture. Reading your post takes my mind back to dd, at 15 - on the streets for a while, living with a boyfriend etc.

First question is whether you would consider your dd to be high functioning or not? This isn't to do with her self care, but whether she coped at school learning etc or struggled?
Do you think there is any substance abuse happening?
What is the reason for dd crashing at your place during the day?
How old is the boyfriend, does he work and where do they live ie in a flat, his family home, is it close to where you live etc.

Finally the question in my mind is whether there is a likelihood of a pregnancy?

This seems to me to be a real crisis moment and I feel it is very important to handle it in the best way possible. A paediatric psychiatrist once told me that normal behaviour management processes don't often work for people with BPD - in my case that was so true!

The things that come to my mind would be based on trying to limit harm as much as possible. The first thing that comes in  mind is pregnancy. My bpd has had so many partners (all who have significant mental health and other issues). But when she became pregnant, it tied her to the child's father (not in the sense of staying together) and a whole new and complex layer came into the situation.

The other thing that I feel at the moment is that if there is substance abuse and/or fighting etc, I feel that my priority would be to just keep the door open so that dd has somewhere to go if and when a major crisis happens.

I don't have the calls in the night as often now dd is 31. But we lurch from crisis to crises and I think the reason my dd is still alive is that she had somewhere to go ie come back to her room here, when things got really bad. But my dd is low functioning, so would struggle to hold a job or cope with normal life pressures.

Everyone's situation is different. If you feel like filling in more details I hope we can keep in touch and support each other.