1rst post, seeking support

[seekinhope]

Thought I'd take a risk and reach out on here.I believe my adult daughter has bpd and I have been living with her and her family for over 2 years.I have sought counseling for myself, do have and am still reading 2 books by Randi Kreger on bpd. I've been in AlAnon for over 11 years and another 12 step program for over 33 years.I've been under constant verbal, mental, emotional attacks by my daughter. Both she and her husband blame me for her behavior. I've been affected in all areas especially my self esteem and physical health. I confronted my daughter 6 months after I moved in when she, in an angry outburst, held my then 10 year old grandsons arm to spank him, used full force of her body and knocked him to the floor.I told her if she did it again in front of me I'd report her to CPS and its been a living hell since then. It was a living hell before that but it really got "turned up" after that. Her husband said he'd get her to go to counseling but has not. I don't have the financial means to move out and stay near by. I fear for my grandchildren. Both my daughter and son in law think I'm the problem and if I go away the problem will go away. I've had glimpses of reality through out the years with her behaviors that started in childhood but was in denial. I don't know what solutions are but thought I'd try this site! Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

Glad you found the site, sorry you needed it. I'm glad you're reading Kreger - she's the best "stepping stone" into the more serious study of BPD, a great primer on it. Where it seems very unlikely that your daughter will accept any suggestion you make that she's mentally ill, preferring to think that YOU are, it may be wise to approach the subject slowly and from the most sympathetic angle...mention you're reading the books but play it off as though you're just exploring your own mental health and reading books on a number of subjects...mention maybe a couple things that "you and her" might laugh bitterly about in the books as sounding familiar...get her comfortable with the terminology and put the idea in her own head, "maybe Mom's sick...wait, if Mom's sick, maybe I'm sick".

If you go into DBT counselling/therapy, they actually teach the parents of the pwBPD basically the same skills as they teach the pwBPD...although usually the parents are much more willing to come in and "seek help" and it can be a long process as you know to get the pwBPD to come in themselves for DBT. But since there's so much overlap in what is taught, it's worth investigating - where you mention finances are tight, I assume medical insurance won't cover it - but if you mention your general region it's possible someone here knows of free or geared-to-income programs near you.

Keep well.

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome.

Follow Pearl's advice.  However, I am trying "...if I'm sick" thing and so far it is not working for me -- so use that piece of advise with caution.

Also, please learn as much as you can about BPD.  If you are the caretaker of a BPD, you need to set boundaries (including the child abuse one that you mentioned).

However, it sounds like you live with your daughter and her husband and not the other way around.  You mention that you have been in two different 12-step programs for over three decades.  Is this for yourself, and/or your daughter?

Other than your daughter's husband supporting your daughter position, does he have any issues?

Are there any homeless / battered women shelters in your area?  I know this would probably not be your first choice; however, this can be an escape from an abusive situation.

In addition to the Randi Kreger books you mentioned, I would also suggest reading the following book (I found them free at my local library):

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad