25 year old daughter with BPD

[LoveMyBPDDaughte]

Our journey has been a long one. My daughter was tumultuous from the age of about 8. She could be self absorbed and extremely rude and indifferent to other people's feelings. She has an older brother who has asperger syndrome and who required a lot of attention.
When she came out as queer in high school, her father handled it badly and she felt he rejected her, so she cut off all ties. We had been divorced since she was three, so she opted to live with my husband and me to finish high school. We made sure that she got through college. We supported her in all of her moves. When she came out as a trans-woman, we supported her completely. We did observe that the female hormones seemed to amplify ups and downs.
She always counted on me as a supporter. She is in a low paying job that she loves, so I continue to support her financially to some extent. She is now 25.
More and more frequently over the last several years, she has turned her rage on me. She has been suicidal in the past. I want to be a stable support to her, but I also need to protect myself emotionally, and I cannot take responsibility for her reactions to things that I say.
When her therapist first diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder, she was humbled and listened to feedback from people who cared about her about her behavior.
That humble, self aware person did not last very long. I am struggling to have a healthy relationship with her when she badgers me to apologize for whatever it is I said that she won't tell me what it was. When she threatens to cut off all ties and I let her know that that is her choice, she tells me that I am abandoning her just like her dad.. I am fearful for her, both as a transwoman and someone who has b p d. I am realuzing that we may never have an adult adult relationship.
I don't want her to die, but I want her to stop abusing me. I fear that if I don't continue to engage with her, she will hurt herself again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rev]

Hi Love...

So sorry to hear your story. I'm not often on these boards but your story caught my eye.

I have a daughter who has been diagnosed as being bi-polar. Sometimes she's on her meds - most other times not.

Her mother has traditionally be a less of a help than more - to be polite about it.

I hear you feeling torn. That's normal and just because its normal, doesn't make it any less painful. Who wants to watch their child suffer and yet, you are right, we can't let them run over us either. Besides, if we let them, what are we teaching them. But I digress.

Tell me. Are you in therapy for yourself?  I have found it can help navigate the fine line you are trying to walk. It can also help find a measure of self-compassion. Being a parent is hard enough under normal circumstances. What's normal about 2023?

I also wanted to say WELCOME!  You have come to really great place. Lot's and lots of wisdom. ZERO judgment.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev