Afraid of divorce backlash

[afton546]

For the last 5 or so years, my husband of 10+ years has had fits of unpredictable rages.  I couldn't figure out what was going on, and I naively assumed anger + untreated depression.  After the rages, he would be come incredibly apologetic and remorseful, and I would go back to business as usual to keep the peace.  As I have read from others, I hadn't noticed how dysfunctional things had become. I have had to take the kids and leave to a hotel for several nights at a time when my husband has been engulfed in these rages.  He has not physically hurt me or the children, but he has broken objects in his anger.  At times he has been suicidal.

Four months ago, I moved out of our house, and we have been splitting our time with the kids and having some limited time together as a family (about 1x/week).  My husband has completed an anger management course, which he took very seriously.  However, while I sometimes see him deescalate when we fight, my time away has made me keenly aware of how anger was just a small piece of our larger problems, and I no longer feel those are reparable. 

I want to file for divorce, but I feel like any cooperation my husband has given has been with the goal of me moving back to the house.  I am afraid of his reaction when I tell him I am done, and I am certain he will be suicidal, which is the only reason I have not had this conversation yet.  If he attempted suicide or succeeded in killing himself, would I not questions if my own pain would have been worth my children's father being alive?  I am stuck.

[Rex31807]

The suicide bondage is selfish on his part. I lived through the rages. Slept in a separate room with the door locked and would be literally in fight or flight for a week at a time.

Divorce was not what i wanted but, its not going to get better. It will be the same. I had to divorce and now i have to.ask.myself why i spent so long in that relationship. It was mainly because i had false hope, fear, obligation and guilt. I was stuck in that fog. Now i have to face my fears and forge ahead. I can no longer be afraid of being alone. I have to be ok with me and i think i am getting there. No matter where i go i will.always be here with me. LOL.

I saw some red flags and chose to ignore them. I own that. I am also to blame for.my inability to.cope but i have come to terms with that as well. I turned to alcohol and that was awful. I never want to go back to that place.

[Red5]

Afton,

I will tell you what I was told when I first came here in early 2017.

My situation was/is,… I have an autistic son, whom will be 37 this year, he is about 5-6 years old cognitively … he is my oldest son, and my lifelong responsibility.

That said, my current wife is his step mother,…. we have been separated for now over four years, the final event that forced the separation was that she hit him, lashed out in anger at him.

Physical abuse is an absolute deal breaker, end of story - full stop.

Back to 2017,…. after I washed up here on this website, and spilled my guts,…. a member replied to me,…

Something along the lines of,….”Red, you must protect your son from her”…. You must protect him….

Because he has no ability to deal with her, he is totally helpless if she attacks him,….

You can click on my name/avatar and read back through the posts (history) …. And maybe find that post/thread.

I’ve never forgotten what that member told me,… that transcends any “cognitive dissonance” that I may be (or had) been experiencing ….

Anyways, you are in a tough spot, no doubt…. But you need to protect your children,…. the anger issues I am reading in your post,…. Well it is only a fine thin line of departure from throwing things to actually physically harming someone…. When they get into that zone, of white hot rage,… there is no more application of moral common sense,…. Please listen on this,…. Protect your children.

Thoughts and Prayers,

~Red