First post -- in a breakup and not sure what I want...

[seek2understand]

Hi everyone.

I'm struggling post-breakup with my BPD partner/ex. We dated last June through October. It was really hard from August until the end of October. We had a bad fight and she seemed to disassociate and didn't want to talk to me. She started reaching back out in January, and we slowly opened back up to each other -- my feelings never really went away, sometimes I wonder if I have traits of BPD myself. At the end of March she told me she loved me and wanted to try again. I did a lot of things better, made more time for her, but she had some fears come up over very minor things, I felt my own shame come up because I wasn't showing up well enough, and it led to her shutting down again. Once she was in that state, I said a couple things the wrong way, and she told me again she never wants to talk to me again.
It's really hard to be in this energy, when things are good it's literally the best feeling in the world, and this time she was finally open and talking about spending time doing things together like going to the movies, or traveling on our birthdays together... But now she's back in that space of not even wanting to talk to me. And I feel quite low, and alone, and I know objectively the best thing to do is to let her go, and it is so hard. I miss her tremendously, and miss the energy of being together. We spent the whole weekend together right before our argument, it was the first time we woke up together and went to sleep together the same day, I arranged my schedule to make that happen finally because she had wanted that for so long. And we were intimate, and it was amazing, and everything was objectively as good as it had ever been, and within a few hours, she was fearful because of two very minor things that happened, and I just don't know how to manage my feelings of loss.
Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi, I realize it's been a few days since you posted but here's a response in case you're checking:

Most of us here can relate to the tremendous highs but also bottomless lows that can occur in a relationship with a person with BPD. If you explained the situation and your actions to a friend, would they blame you? My guess is no, as you said they were minor things. Be easy on yourself and realize that no one is perfect and that you had good intentions.

It's up to you how to proceed with the relationship. If you choose to attempt to revive it, stick around here and read others' experiences, the Tips/Tools menu at the top of the page, and the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Keep a support network of friends and family close by. Take care.

[Pook075]

Hi Seek, so sorry you are going through this.  My story is very similar in that my wife doesn't explode, she shuts down and becomes distant.  We've been separated for 8 months now and I don't see that changing (since we hardly talk).  But a part of me feels exactly like you do, I'd like to work it out since she was the love of my life for 24 years.

At the same time though, I realized eventually that I had to be okay alone just being me.  If it works, great.  If it doesn't, great, I'm still going to be okay.  It is easier said than done, but I was able to find myself once again in those 8 months we've been apart.

Keep posting and keeping us updated.  We're all rooting for you since we've all been there.