This is one of the things I am grieving with my ex. I was with him for 27 years and now, after creating a life with him, bringing two children into the world, everything I have learned about bpd, everything I have learned about his affairs, how quickly he moved on to someone (3 weeks) after I left the final time, I question whether he loved me at all. He definitely didn't love me the way people experience love with a spouse.
I suppose he loved me as best he could, but it was always about what I could do for him. My ex died by suicide November 2022 and in the last week of his life he was begging me to try again at our marriage. At that point, we had been divorced for a year, had just contentiously finalized the last financial issues with our divorce, and he had been with his girlfriend for three years, so it seemed a very odd request. Now I realize that his gf had broken up with him and his begging me to try again had nothing to do with me, but about his fear of being alone.
It's lonely to think that someone you devoted over half your life didn't love you the way we all deserve to be loved. It's also comforting to know we have this community in which to share these feelings with others who truly understand.
