Smothered, isolated, dehumanized

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I woke up this morning, thinking of my ex-girlfriend. Sexually she had no boundaries, and acted entitled to certain things, would ask for things and then guilt trip me for them, and would generally use it as a way to control me. She'd get jealous and controlling if an attractive woman was in my videogames, movies or at the concert I went to, completely ruining them (even when I said nothing about them) and shaming me. She got jealous and upset that I had a dream of another girl. I feel so angry about it. I feel so angry that she talked constantly during the movie with my cousin (when I was sleeping) to destroy that relationship. That she'd call me when I was out with my friends, even when I'd tell her not to, she'd call incessantly. That she'd ask for rides from my parents, then make them wait before, and make them wait when picking her up.

Long ago, in our old house, the only one where we were more independent, she destroyed the place by letting racoons at night, causing the pipes to freeze in the winter, it was so cold, beating me for something I did on my own sexually. She isolated me from my job and friends, guilt tripped me for working. Ruined my life, until I felt hopeless, and I got glued to video games. I'd try to get my own room at my moms house to try to get space from her, and she'd come in and harass me, talk at me, as I withered and died in side.

When my friends would visit and I'd ask for time alone with them, she'd ignore that and talk at them and me. She'd get involved in my hobby of MTG, and she came to tournaments, and tried to violate my boundaries when I was playing. She would act like all my hobbies and interests didn't matter, and only hers did. And years later she'd try to bring racoons up, and into her relationships to torment me subconsciously, because I couldn't remember it anymore.

Near the end of the relationship, she'd suck my skills at computer programming dry, to use as her own, to try to get recognized for her "web development skills". Did I mention she destroyed my computer programming gig with my friend by abusing me? She wanted me to be interested in all her interests, but always found an excuse to not like mine.

When I was dehumanized, isolated, and hopeless for what like 10 years? When I was worn down to a useless pulp, unable to function. She threw me away, but not before looking for a boyfriend for 3 years, while never leaving, no matter how much I insisted she leave, or got upset, she didn't do it, because she manipulated my mom into letting her stay. She'd tell me about her love interests, and had me call one of them. 99% sure she cheated many times, while being paranoid of me cheating.

I learned to love myself and found spirituality from this. But god, it was horrible, so horrible, to be so alone, so hopeless, feeling so worthless and dehumanized, so used, so disregarded, so ashamed about all the details of abuse. So ashamed that I didn't defend myself more. (even though I fought so many times to be treated well). So ashamed about the abuse. I still feel like no one could understand. That they'd blame me for it, because "I should have defended myself more", because I should have been "more of a man".

This relationship started when I was 17, with poor life skills as it was, and she was 24. Yuck. Well I am not going to be ashamed, screw that. What happened to me was horrible, sure I didn't grow up in a lot of ways, but I didn't deserve it. One trigger of  mine from this is still people talking at me, only exacerbated by other Narcissists doing the same since then. And I actually am a good listener most of the time, but when I am overwhelmed, I absolutely hate people talking at me, because she would never stop, even when my mind was mush and my ears bled, and I was a crying mess, feeling worthless, she'd talk at me.

I'm in my 40s now, and it still affects me sometimes.

Edit: I feel so sad because I truly loved video games (after the abuse, I switched to the neurotic variety only) and MTG before that, I was really good at computer programming and I feel she robbed me of that, and how she treated me sexually really screwed me up on that front too. I haven't really gotten out into the world, and connected to people, like I did before all of it. Women can sexually abuse people, too, it wasn't just physical, it was psychological.

And just for the record, I did stick up for myself countless times in almost all of these scenarios, and even talked to her about breaking up early on, that's when the abuse got REALLY bad, I just didn't know what was happening, because I was young and inexperienced, and as the hopelessness set in, all I had was my distractions, what little I had left of my friendships, and a dependency on her.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I woke up this morning, thinking of my ex-girlfriend. Sexually she had no boundaries, and acted entitled to certain things, would ask for things and then guilt trip me for them, and would generally use it as a way to control me. She'd get jealous and controlling if an attractive woman was in my videogames, movies or at the concert I went to, completely ruining them (even when I said nothing about them) and shaming me. She got jealous and upset that I had a dream of another girl. I feel so angry about it. I feel so angry that she talked constantly during the movie with my cousin (when I was sleeping) to destroy that relationship. That she'd call me when I was out with my friends, even when I'd tell her not to, she'd call incessantly. That she'd ask for rides from my parents, then make them wait before, and make them wait when picking her up.

Long ago, in our old house, the only one where we were more independent, she destroyed the place by letting racoons at night, causing the pipes to freeze in the winter, it was so cold, beating me for something I did on my own sexually. She isolated me from my job and friends, guilt tripped me for working. Ruined my life, until I felt hopeless, and I got glued to video games. I'd try to get my own room at my moms house to try to get space from her, and she'd come in and harass me, talk at me, as I withered and died in side.

When my friends would visit and I'd ask for time alone with them, she'd ignore that and talk at them and me. She'd get involved in my hobby of MTG, and she came to tournaments, and tried to violate my boundaries when I was playing. She would act like all my hobbies and interests didn't matter, and only hers did. And years later she'd try to bring racoons up, and into her relationships to torment me subconsciously, because I couldn't remember it anymore.

Near the end of the relationship, she'd suck my skills at computer programming dry, to use as her own, to try to get recognized for her "web development skills". Did I mention she destroyed my computer programming gig with my friend by abusing me? She wanted me to be interested in all her interests, but always found an excuse to not like mine.

When I was dehumanized, isolated, and hopeless for what like 10 years? When I was worn down to a useless pulp, unable to function. She threw me away, but not before looking for a boyfriend for 3 years, while never leaving, no matter how much I insisted she leave, or got upset, she didn't do it, because she manipulated my mom into letting her stay. She'd tell me about her love interests, and had me call one of them. 99% sure she cheated many times, while being paranoid of me cheating.

I learned to love myself and found spirituality from this. But god, it was horrible, so horrible, to be so alone, so hopeless, feeling so worthless and dehumanized, so used, so disregarded, so ashamed about all the details of abuse. So ashamed that I didn't defend myself more. (even though I fought so many times to be treated well). So ashamed about the abuse. I still feel like no one could understand. That they'd blame me for it, because "I should have defended myself more", because I should have been "more of a man".

This relationship started when I was 17, with poor life skills as it was, and she was 24. Yuck. Well I am not going to be ashamed, screw that. What happened to me was horrible, sure I didn't grow up in a lot of ways, but I didn't deserve it. One trigger of  mine from this is still people talking at me, only exacerbated by other Narcissists doing the same since then. And I actually am a good listener most of the time, but when I am overwhelmed, I absolutely hate people talking at me, because she would never stop, even when my mind was mush and my ears bled, and I was a crying mess, feeling worthless, she'd talk at me.

I'm in my 40s now, and it still affects me sometimes.

Edit: I feel so sad because I truly loved video games (after the abuse, I switched to the neurotic variety only) and MTG before that, I was really good at computer programming and I feel she robbed me of that, and how she treated me sexually really screwed me up on that front too. I haven't really gotten out into the world, and connected to people, like I did before all of it. Women can sexually abuse people, too, it wasn't just physical, it was psychological.

And just for the record, I did stick up for myself countless times in almost all of these scenarios, and even talked to her about breaking up early on, that's when the abuse got REALLY bad, I just didn't know what was happening, because I was young and inexperienced, and as the hopelessness set in, all I had was my distractions, what little I had left of my friendships, and a dependency on her.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I want this to be a message to other men. That abuse isn't your fault, even if there's very few spaces where your abuse is taken seriously. Women aren't all blameless victims, and men aren't all perpetrators. Just because the world treats you unfairly about it, doesn't mean that's what you deserve. Abuse isn't your fault just because you're a man.

Abuse isn't some black and white thing, where you just needed to stick up for yourself, no, you were systematically taken down, and you didn't see it coming. How can you defend yourself from something you didn't even see or understand? I hope me opening up about this can help other men find the courage to do so. Because it's not right that so many men have to suffer in silence about it all.

[SinisterComplex]

I want this to be a message to other men. That abuse isn't your fault, even if there's very few spaces where your abuse is taken seriously. Women aren't all blameless victims, and men aren't all perpetrators. Just because the world treats you unfairly about it, doesn't mean that's what you deserve. Abuse isn't your fault just because you're a man.

Abuse isn't some black and white thing, where you just needed to stick up for yourself, no, you were systematically taken down, and you didn't see it coming. How can you defend yourself from something you didn't even see or understand? I hope me opening up about this can help other men find the courage to do so. Because it's not right that so many men have to suffer in silence about it all.

Very well said and something I support 1000%.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[NarcsEverywhere]

Thanks SC, glad to see someone else echo this, as there's a lot of social pressures, prejudice and shame, surrounding it, at even doing that is difficult for many people.

[BurnedOnce]

I learned to love myself and found spirituality from this. But god, it was horrible, so horrible, to be so alone, so hopeless, feeling so worthless and dehumanized, so used, so disregarded, so ashamed about all the details of abuse. So ashamed that I didn't defend myself more. (even though I fought so many times to be treated well). So ashamed about the abuse. I still feel like no one could understand. That they'd blame me for it, because "I should have defended myself more", because I should have been "more of a man".

Relatable, as if you've typed my feelings verbatim.

This relationship started when I was 17, with poor life skills as it was, and she was 24. Yuck. Well I am not going to be ashamed, screw that. What happened to me was horrible, sure I didn't grow up in a lot of ways, but I didn't deserve it.

Familiar. I was 18 and she was 22.

We can't blame ourselves for getting hooked into someone else's pathological, abusive patterns when we were young men, simply looking for love and partnership with the best of intentions. I never had anyone sit me down and explain the red flags of BPD or other Cluster B disorders to me before I started dating, I'm sure you didn't, either. Why isn't this being taught in public schools?

I'm in my 40s now, and it still affects me sometimes.

Likewise regarding age. I've lost the first 22 years of my adult life, the best years of it and that's not something I'll ever get back. It's screwed up.

and how she treated me sexually really screwed me up on that front too. I haven't really gotten out into the world, and connected to people, like I did before all of it. Women can sexually abuse people, too, it wasn't just physical, it was psychological.

And just for the record, I did stick up for myself countless times in almost all of these scenarios, and even talked to her about breaking up early on, that's when the abuse got REALLY bad, I just didn't know what was happening, because I was young and inexperienced, and as the hopelessness set in, all I had was my distractions, what little I had left of my friendships, and a dependency on her.

This is the main thing I wanted to talk to you about, here. I've been sexually abused by a borderline woman and I'm a construction worker of reasonably robust build for context.

I've been forced to perform "or else..."

When things didn't go exactly her way, she'd often shut down in the middle of being intimate and either cold shoulder me for days or fly off the hinges in a verbally abusive rage. It got to the point where I lost all desire and attraction to her in that way and began suffering from performance anxiety and I absolutely loathed her abrupt, impulsive "let's have sex".

Devoid of any real intimacy, devoid of any bonding with each other beforehand, devoid of anything other than a need for controlling me at her own personal whim.

And refusal?

...

Even the most delicate "I'm sore from work and not really in the mood" would send her insane jealousy, paranoia of infidelity and any other of her wonky insecurities into a full-fledged rage where things would get broken and she'd threaten physical violence against me.

I don't often read or hear about the sexual abuse or exploitation of men by borderline women and it's something that needs to be talked about more because of other patterns of BPD are so uniformly predictable, I know this is too.

It is not okay in the slightest how you were treated.

It will never be okay for a woman to use psychological coercion or threats of domestic violence to sexually exploit a man. It's never okay for either sex to do, don't get me wrong, but men who are victims of sexual abuse or exploitation by women are often silent victims from either internal shame or being externally shamed or invalidated.

We do exist, what we've been through is horrible.