She doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

[A Spring Bear]

I've been in a relationship with her for nine months and we consider each other to be very important people. She has BFD, but it hasn't affected much of her current life yet. In getting along with her, she found that if she continues to maintain an intimate relationship with me, she will continue to hurt me, such as verbal harm, behavioral harm... These harms are not physical, but my mental state also seems to be affected. Her influence, if she is good, I will be fine, if she is not good, I will have to bear everything that I should not have to bear. But I really don't want that to end our relationship. The help I want to seek is: what should I do when she is entangled in the contradiction between not wanting to hurt me anymore and being reluctant to leave, and wanting to live with me? How do I reconcile this contradiction? How do I make her feel like everything is going to be okay, make her feel better, and minimize the damage she might do to me later?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello A Spring Bear and welcome to the group 

It sounds like your relationship is a mix of positive and negative — that is very familiar to many members here.

It’s good that you recognize that when she’s “not good”, as you say, you end up carrying a lot more mentally than you should, and a lot more than is good for you.

When a loved one has BPD, sometimes we want to “overfunction” for them, by “trying to make everything ok” or “helping them feel better inside”. Something counterintuitive, but ultimately more healthy, to do in a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD), is to focus more on ourselves: our own feelings and our own needs.

We need to have good self care and be in touch with our own emotions first, before we can truly help others. Check out our “Tips” article on What does it take to be in a relationship with a pwBPD and let us know what you think about it.

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How was today for both of you?