Wife attacks me, then blames me

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife was mad and threw a clipboard at me. It hit me in the head, but did no damage. Then she demanded her cell phone. I threw it to the sofa she was sitting on, but due to bad aim, I accidentally hit her in the face. Gave her a bump on the head and a bloody lip.

I knew I was screwed, this is what she has been waiting for. ..  because I had stopped reacting to her for about 10 years. Now she tells everyone that I hit her. I asked her why she hit me in the head with a clip board and she acts like I just made it up. She has had numerous violent episodes. She threw an ipad at my son, threw a pot at our dog and has thrown a lot of things at me.

Now she is treating me like a wife abuser. She completely thinks I attacked her, and will not believe it was an accident. Typically I can escape her anger by being quiet for about 1 week, until she forgets about it or "Forgives" me. This time is different. I don't think she will ever "Forgive" me. Has anyone out there found a way to confront a spouse with the truth? Like an email or text message?

[garthaz]

My wife was mad and threw a clipboard at me. It hit me in the head, but did no damage. Then she demanded her cell phone. I threw it to the sofa she was sitting on, but due to bad aim, I accidentally hit her in the face. Gave her a bump on the head and a bloody lip.

I knew I was screwed, this is what she has been waiting for. ..  because I had stopped reacting to her for about 10 years. Now she tells everyone that I hit her. I asked her why she hit me in the head with a clip board and she acts like I just made it up. She has had numerous violent episodes. She threw an ipad at my son, threw a pot at our dog and has thrown a lot of things at me.

Now she is treating me like a wife abuser. She completely thinks I attacked her, and will not believe it was an accident. Typically I can escape her anger by being quiet for about 1 week, until she forgets about it or "Forgives" me. This time is different. I don't think she will ever "Forgive" me. Has anyone out there found a way to confront a spouse with the truth? Like an email or text message?

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[once removed]

confronting her, or confronting each other, with who hurt whom, or who hurt whom more, is not going to help here.

the issue is far bigger than that, and i suspect that there is a lot of conflict already about each of your versions of the truth.

is this the first time that things have been thrown between the two of you?

[garthaz]

She has done this numerous times before, but never this serious. When she gets mad and throws something, she still blames me, or pretends it never happened. If she discovers that her version is not right, she changes her story. Usually it dies down after a while, but I think this one is the worst. I actually did hit her on the face with a cell phone, but she does not tell anyone that it was an accident.

[once removed]

understood.

isnt the issue, at the end of the day, not who threw what at whom, who threw it harder etc.

isnt the issue that things are being thrown. that the relationship is about winning the argument over it. that this is the level of conflict between the two of you.

this presents an opportunity to begin to shift the dynamic. probably not on a monumental scale; the problems didnt develop over night, and they wont end over night. but to begin to change the trajectory.

if it were me, id take what would probably be a very difficult, perhaps even unfair step. id apologize for throwing the phone. id be clear that i didnt intentionally hit her with it, but that that was the result, and that im sorry for it. be clear that it was not intentional, dont go overboard in apologizing for what you didnt mean to do, but apologizing for what was done.

if she presses you, and she might, be consistent, but apologetic. if she continues to push, listen, dont necessarily buy in or give in to her narrative about what happened, but be consistent and apologetic.

then wait a day or two.

after a day or two, or three, whenever the relationship is in a time of calm, bring the matter back up. talk about the fact that it matters less to you who threw what, but that things are being thrown, and that the two of you, your relationship, is better than that and above that. put it in those terms.

she may be reactive and defensive, she might not be. if she is, dont push, try to gracefully change topics, and bring it up again a day or two later. you dont want to be put on the cross here, that isnt the point. you dont want to let her lead this into forcing you to admit that you personally beat her over the head with the phone and beg for her forgiveness. you want to be conciliatory, build trust, and lead the relationship onto a path where you both agree that throwing things isnt the way the two of you want to operate.

[garthaz]

Thanks, I will give that a try. The problem might be that she will never think she threw anything, but I like your approach.

[NonnyMouse]

If there's any mess from the pots and pans don't tidy it up. Just leave it. And don't comment on it.

My uBPDw hacked off lots of her hair last year in anger. This was not something she could blame on anyone but herself or deny ever happened. I'm hoping she will mention this to her new therapist.

[alterK]

I posted this on another thread. Someone there said very wisely that a pwBPD's memories are governed not by reality, but by their emotions of the moment. My 2 cents is that I've found that talking about past events, trying to work something out in retrospect almost always turns into an argument.

When I tell my W that we should talk in the present tense, it's difficult for her. She is haunted by the past, and selectively by sad memories. Hardly ever does she bring up happy ones. Part of her self-image is of being The Injured Person (this also being a convenient way to avoid thinking of herself as responsible for any problems).

I repeat over and over that we can't control or change the past, only the present and the future. She doesn't totally buy into this, because taking control means taking responsibility for her behavior, and she is usually more comfortable keeping a problem than participating in fixing it.

Hope some of this is helpful and doesn't sound too pessimistic. My point is that if you try to work out something that's happened in the past with a pwBPD, the chances are you'll end up nowhere, or worse. Especially if your W disagrees with you from the start.

[garthaz]

I tried to toss a  cellphone to my wife and it hit her on the head. I  thought I was screwed forever. Amazingly, she forgot about it after a few months