I just need a friend

[WickedStepMum]

My 15 yr old stepdaughter has PTSD/BPD. It’s a recent diagnosis that’s been brewing since the age of 11 or 12. Basically the onset of puberty.

It’s been a nightmare since and she’s suffered more than anyone her age ought to have, as a result of her disorder.

We’ve both quit working to stay home to take care of her 24/7. We have no time to even think of where our next paycheck will come from. It’s quite astonishing how much one person can take out of you and from you.

California healthcare system has f’ed us over.

No one knows of our plight. Not my family or friends. We’ve been very private about it and honestly, suffering in silence has been really really difficult. I only just found this group today. It would be nice to find a supportive person here.

Send me a DM if you’d like to chat.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pepper76]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have found having a child with bpd to be extremely draining in every way. And it is difficult to discuss struggles with someone that does not have a bpd child. It has been lonely.  They tend to oversimplify or think that if you just do this or that then it will be “fixed”. My child started having bpd traits at 11 as well and is now 15.

[PearlsBefore]

I'm sure you've heard lots of platitudes, but if it helps - at least one of them is true, roughly 90% of pwBPDs will see drastically reduced symptoms after they hit about 22-24 years old and they CAN be capable of living a decent and decently-happy life. Now, of course there are the horror stories of those who don't - but most likely things are eventually going to get better for you two, and for her.

One piece of advice I always offer is not to be blind to alternatives to DBT; it works well for some people, but a lot of professionals just check their handy chart and announce "oh, BPD - that means we apply DBT" blindly. If it's not working for your family, there ARE alternatives - they're just difficult to track down sometimes.

Most regions have a BPD-Support group that can at least point you in the right direction; the "Family Connections" in-person coffee-in-a-church-basement-with-other-BPD-caretakers was literally life-changing for me. I spent almost 15 years doing it all myself - and to finally be able to talk to peers who actually "get it" was unlike any other feeling in the world.

[WickedStepMum]

Hi! @Pepper76

Thanks for writing back. Sounds about the same age mine started showing symptoms of her PTSD. It’s been a huge learning curve for us and admittedly, sometimes I have to remind myself that I can’t view her behaviour with the same simplicity you spoke of earlier.

She’s very self destructive and she’s gone the promiscuous route in search of validation and the f’in Hollywood fantasy of love. F Hollywood. Sorry, but they definitely don’t help with staying grounded in reality. I half-jokingly told my husband that Hollywood is the modern sorcerer of ancient times revamped. Creating illusions (movies) that suspend our disbelief, making us vulnerable to whatever fantasy they want us to believe is real.

[WickedStepMum]

Hi @PearlsBeforeSwine

Your ID is so apropos! I was watching a video on Jordan Peterson giving his take on helping someone with BPD who won’t get help. He mentioned casting pearls before swine… here’s the link w the time stamp.
https://youtu.be/lBKo9_P9SmM&t=2m22

We familiarized ourselves with DBT and actually got her a DBT therapist (only available on zoom) but that didn’t last long before she lost interest. We’re still living on a prayer she’ll get sick of the state she’s in and will acquiesce to going to a therapeutic boarding school and get the DBT therapy under a protective eye.

[PearlsBefore]

Hi @PearlsBeforeSwine
Your ID is so apropos! I was watching a video on Jordan Peterson giving his take on helping someone with BPD who won’t get help. He mentioned casting pearls before swine… here’s the link w the time stamp.
https://youtu.be/lBKo9_P9SmM&t=2m22

I'll admit I've seen the video before, it is a funny "coincidence" that I'm not the only one who had the insight - but honestly after caring for a pwBPD for years, reading scripture of any stripe just hits differently. You start seeing guidance where you didn't used to, and of course we're told to NOT cast pearls before swine - not to adopt the suffering martyr complex by repeatedly doing it. It's a tough lesson. I actually obviously came up with the username before JP was a big thing (I'm not a huge fan of his, I don't hate him the way some do - he has some insights but I find him very insecure and posturing with a dose of inconsistency...my opinions on Tate, Shapiro and the like are similarly non-partisan critical) - in my case it was actually a ditty that I wrote that included the stanza "Don't wed unfit girls/Lest to swine you throw pearls/Because love and honour are still due".

I assume you're familiar with Mcleans Hospital, the "gold standard" in in-patient BPD care; most will never get that far - but again it's a resource for materials and guidance. Honestly if folk on this forum were wanting to a monthly Zoom chat I'd probably attend...note to self, we should organise that.


edit: If you need a laugh, feel free to read/contribute at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351337.0 - I see the most recent one got deleted for being a little too edgy

[livednlearned]

What kind of support is most helpful to you at the moment. It can feel overwhelming to have a BPD teen. Are there siblings?

What led up to the dx, and is bio mom in the picture?

What's your relationship like to your SD15?

My stepdaughter with BPD came into my life at age 16. She had a psychotic break with auditory delusions and was a candidate for being institutionalized and failing high school. Next came transgender issues and chronic suicidal ideation. Eventually, SD stabilized enough to go to college. Her dad and I built a home and moved in together and SD18 lived with us when she wasn't in school. I fully expected her to live with us full-time but miracles happen and she graduated. 

SD is now 26. It's a bit of a miracle to see where she is now, tbh.

DBT on Zoom doesn't sound like it would do much. The woman who wrote Buddha and the Borderline kind of breaks down how there's DBT lite and real DBT and without the full program there's a lot left to be desired.

Does your SD25 accept she has BPD?

[WickedStepMum]

I assume you're familiar with Mcleans Hospital, the "gold standard" in in-patient BPD care; most will never get that far - but again it's a resource for materials and guidance. Honestly if folk on this forum were wanting to a monthly Zoom chat I'd probably attend...note to self, we should organise that.

edit: If you need a laugh, feel free to read/contribute at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351337.0 - I see the most recent one got deleted for being a little too edgy

Took me a minute to respond. My SD15  was put into another 5150, her fourth and we just got her back last night… and judging by how she is today, kinda non committal mood to her upcoming therapy appointment this afternoon, I’m thinking it won’t be her last hold.
 
McCleans… Never heard of them, and I’ll check their page out. Thanks.

I’m totally down for a zoom meetup. We can work on setting something up. 

As for the “boys of the manosphere”, they’re entertaining and have their uses for some.

[WickedStepMum]

What kind of support is most helpful to you at the moment. It can feel overwhelming to have a BPD teen. Are there siblings?

Well, right now just my MIL, who’s old, and takes SD’s BPD behaviours personally, which can sometimes end up with her leaving in a huff. I’m trying to get my husband to reach out to a longtime friend of ours and his pediatrician wife. They’re very caring and good people, but we’ve hesitated telling them about it all because we’re all part of a conservative community where promiscuity just doesn’t fly and as a result of wanting to protect our daughter’s reputation (until we can get her BPD under control), we’ve kept mum. But I’m thinking that we need to have them on our team and I believe they’ll be protectively discreet  

What led up to the dx, and is bio mom in the picture?

Mother has her own mental illness and never stays with her husband or children for long. She ups and leaves, regularly. No. She’s not in picture now.

What's your relationship like to your SD15?

When she’s “herself” it’s good. When she’s BPDing, it’s strained.

My stepdaughter with SD is now 26. It's a bit of a miracle to see where she is now, tbh.

I’m happy for you! Waiting for my turn! I keep hearing that mellowing out eventually occurs.

[livednlearned]

I’m trying to get my husband to reach out to a longtime friend of ours and his pediatrician wife. They’re very caring and good people, but we’ve hesitated telling them about it all because we’re all part of a conservative community where promiscuity just doesn’t fly and as a result of wanting to protect our daughter’s reputation (until we can get her BPD under control), we’ve kept mum. But I’m thinking that we need to have them on our team and I believe they’ll be protectively discreet

Your hunch strikes me as a good one. I mean, reputation is one thing but a pregnancy is a whole other.

There were two facilitators that led the volunteer NEA-BPD Family Connections sessions I participated in, and I remember they emphasized over and over about birth control for teens with BPD. This was in a conservative part of the US, and these were conservative parents. Their adult daughter with BPD had two kids in her teens. They didn't just recommend birth control, they recommended IUDs because once it's in, it's in.

Maybe approach these friends and ask for their advice on behalf of a friend. They'll know, you'll know, but it might give you some room to slow walk the rumor mill.

Pediatricians hear and see a lot, this might not be your friend's first rodeo with this.

[WickedStepMum]

Oh, we got her the quarterly birth control shot. So that’s checked ✅.
We only just picked her up this week from the psych hospital and come to find out, last night, in the 3 nights she spent there, she managed to fornicate with some random dude. Now she’s all worried about being pregnant and having an STD.

She says she’s been raped so many times in the last few months, she doesn’t care anymore about preserving herself. She has nothing worth giving a guy except her vagina. 

I’m floored and heartbroken. Sometimes I’m angry. Sometimes I find myself becoming judge mental, especially in moments of frustration, I remind myself then to lean into compassion, that I t’s better for all this way.

So now we will be going BACK to the pediatrician for another round of STD tests, the same she took JUST 2 weeks ago!

It’s like banging your head on the wall. My friend suggested journaling…

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

The frustration must be tremendous, and obviously it exerts a very large toll on the mental health of everyone around her; be sure to do some self-care whether that's therapeutic gardening, actual therapy or whatever form it takes.

The over-the-top sexuality is very difficult - because you're left to balance her best interests against society's view that you shouldn't be inhibiting her "freedom", etc...there's not a good solution so far as I've ever discovered.

[WickedStepMum]

The frustration must be tremendous, and obviously it exerts a very large toll on the mental health of everyone around her; be sure to do some self-care whether that's therapeutic gardening, actual therapy or whatever form it takes.

Oh it is! I’m just sort of reaching that place of acceptance that I’m gonna have to let go of the ideal we were raising her in. She’s just not going to be a well-adjusted young woman. At least not if she keeps believing nothing is wrong with her and she doesn’t need therapeutic boarding school. She thinks she good to go for a regular, normal high school experience.

[WickedStepMum]

Oh it is! I’m just sort of reaching that place of acceptance that I’m gonna have to let go of the ideal we were raising her in. She’s just not going to be a well-adjusted young woman. At least not if she keeps believing nothing is wrong with her and she doesn’t need therapeutic boarding school. She thinks she good to go for a regular, normal high school experience.
She had to leave her last HS over Xmas, because she ruined her rep there socially. She got involved w some boys and word got out and before you know it, the girls were  shunning her and the boys were trying to have their turn w her.

 She’s not gone back to school since.

[WickedStepMum]

Well, first test result came back positive for Chlamydia. We’re waiting on all the rest… I no longer have any expectations. If anything, I’m keeping it realistic. She’s probably more STDs.

It’s in God’s hands..

[WickedStepMum]

Update:

Good news, all other test results came back negative!

[WickedStepMum]

Bad news:

3 days after receiving the results, she ran away on Fathers Day, w a friend and prostituted herself for alcohol and rides. She was found 4 days later, passed out in a Denny’s parking lot, in a town about an hour away…

As I type this, I’m sitting outside the hospital, waiting for her while she’s getting her blood drawn for another round of STD tests. Her 3rd time since April.

[kells76]

 

That's devastating to watch.

I hear you about California health care. I have some suspicions that empowering minors to make lots of decisions for themselves isn't always a good thing.

I think I'm recalling that your H has custody (correct me if I'm wrong). Do you feel like you and you H have exhausted options for involuntary care for her (i.e. getting her committed somewhere)?

I wonder if it'd be crazy to suggest moving to a state where parents have some more ability to mandate/follow through on long term inpatient care for a minor child.

This is the hardest stuff. We're here for you;

kells76