Can't think of a password

[Notwendy]

Most people try to use a password they can recall somehow, while being safe to not use something easy to guess. So BPD mother asked me to change a password for her.

I have a difficult time thinking up something that she is interested in or relates to. I think I could make one up for my own family members- I know what they are interested in, or something about them ( that is still a safe password).

I realize that I don't know much else about my own mother than what she tells me. We don't share common interests.  I know specific things like her birthday and such but these aren't safe passwords. I don't know if she has a favorite book, or TV show, or movie, or sports team or activity.

She does talk to me but it's mostly about how she is feeling. I don't think it would go over well with her to have a password around that. She doesn't understand how to do one- she needs help doing these things.

We talk about pwBPD not having a strong sense of self. How well do we know our family members with BPD? I guess as much as they know themselves?

[Methuen]

Conversations with my mom are increibly slow and stilted because she doesn’t hear or process well any more.  Every sentence has to be repeated 2-4 times before she gets it.

But back when she could hear and process her favorite thing to discuss was herself, so everbody knew what she liked because she’s the center of the universe.

In that way, our mom’s are different.  I’m wondering if in thinking of a new password, it makes sense to go back in time to her interests when she was younger.

My H would refuse to think of it for her.  My mom does this all the time too - come up with tasks to keep others busy doing things for her.  

I wonder if she is manipulating you into believing she can’t do this so you will do it for her?

“Think back 30 years mom. Was there something you enjoyed or a memory that you have, or a person that was special to you?”

“Passwords only work if they have meaning for you to remember them.  If you think of an idea I can help you frame it into a password.”

And then wait.  

Unless she has developed dementia.  In that case this wouldn’t be fair. I can’t remember if your mom has dementia. But if it’s early onset, she might still have memories of special people or events or things or places from her past.  I’m not sure if using validating questions would be worth a try?

It certainly is an example of a poor sense of self.  My mom used to wait at a restaurant until everyone else had ordered, and then she would order what someone else had ordered.

It’s also another example of neediness and task making and waifiness.  The good thing in this is that at least you will know what her password is and she’s not keeping it from you. 

The other possibility is she wants you to think of it and later she will criticize it.

[Notwendy]

She's losing her cognition but is still lucid enough to make her own choices. To those who know her better, she is making crazy decisions. I can think of something. I just thought it was odd that- I don't know much about her beyond what she talks about. She also doesn't know much about me. We don't have that kind of relationship. We didn't do things together growing up.

I had a different relationship with my father. We had some common interests. I have memories of doing things with him. Even little ones like when I challenged him to see who could run faster at the beach. I was little, so he won. I don't have these snippets of memories with my mother. She was either upset over something, or not doing things with us.

I will think of something for her. It's just that, even as her daughter, I don't have many interest connections with her.

[zachira]

The name of a pet is usually something other people do not know. Could be a dog/cat she had, or the pet of a family member or neighbor.

[livednlearned]

I realize that I don't know much else about my own mother than what she tells me. We don't share common interests.

I didn't really think about it until you shared this here, but it's the same for me with SD26. It's hard to get a conversation going with her. She's visiting right now and when H or I try to engage her about her interests or how she met her roommate or what her job is like we get monosyllabic answers. She enters the room and something shifts. It's not just walking on eggshells, although that is there. It's that there's not much to talk about.

My mother has a different version of this. Like Methuen's mother, mine wants to be the center of attention. But she cannot talk about much that's not about her. She can gossip about other people and she can comment on her state of mind or something that is happening in the moment. Weirdly, she became interested in baseball in her 70s although the appeal seems to be more like what someone would have for a soap opera. She knows a lot about the players and has some sense of gameplay, but my son, who also loves baseball, says he can't really talk to her about the game.

She does talk to me but it's mostly about how she is feeling. I don't think it would go over well with her to have a password around that.

  That made me laugh.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Reading this actually brought pain for me.

I know my mother quite well... I'd probably choose something like : Lilac, because I know this is a smell she loves. She gardens a lot; but hate receiving flowers. She gardens like the world will end... It's not a stress relief for her, and I don't know that she really enjoy it, it's just part of how she was raised, it's survival instinct, to meet her own mother demands, at her age still... But she does love flowers.

She loves fantastic books, she read all the"Knights of emerald" series. I gifted her a similar trilogy that she loved, I had noticed her taste well enough. It has to have magic in it, and be written in specific way...Lord of the rings is a bit too complicated and long, but The Paths of Shadow was a perfect book for her. 

She used to play Heroes of Might and Magic, now she plays less complicated games... You know, the ones you have to put four in a rows to unlock...so I was able to find games for her that she enjoyed. Even though she would always say it didn't at first for some reasons, it never was enough, even when she'd play it hours on end...

I always put a lot of thoughts in my gifts for her, but she never seemed happy to receive them, even when she ended up liking them and displaying them.. I know her tastes, the kind to things she enjoys on her walls... I noticed it all.

She, however, doesn't know anything about me. She doesn't notice. She gifted me a rubic cube one Christmas, because my brother likes that...

It's a one way relationship. Always tried my best, always fell short. My nicest gifts were frowned upon, they were "too nice", "too expensive"... Even though they weren't... I just notice people a lot. I adjust my gift to who I am giving it to, and I do spend time thinking about it... I rarely miss the ball, even with her, but nice gifts actually triggers her. When for me, gifts are a way to show I care.  

So... I do know a lot about my mother, but she is the one who is incapable of knowing who I am... And it's hard to accept... She would always say "she knows me so well because she knitted me" and then say things like "my favorite yogurt is peach"... I don't even like yogurt. Growing up, I actually adjusted a lot of the things I "liked" to match her thinking, so it would almost feel like a relationship... If I like peach yogurt, then we are close, right ? Except I never liked it... So a lot of my work was to rediscover what I actually like, that isn't biased by what I tried to be for her.

[Notwendy]

Same here Riv3rW0lf- my mother rarely gives me anything but when she does - it's got nothing to do with me. I don't care about the cost but relatively- it's something  tacky so it sends an odd message to me. I'd rather she just not send anything. When I visited her, she was wearing a sweater, from a brand I like. Just odd that I had no idea she liked these sweaters and she didn't know I did too. 

I know what styles and brands my kids like. They know what I am interested in too. It's not that we say it directly. It's like when a song comes on the radio someone might say "I like this song" and then we'd know. My father travelled sometimes on business and would bring us back little treats or a small gift. He knew our favorite candy, my favorite rock bands as a teen. I also knew what topics he was interested in- and his favorite candy too because probably when we were out one day, we got some candy together. It's an awareness- noticing the other person, that just doesn't seem to be present with my mother- for both of us. I don't recall doing many things with her.

[Riv3rW0lf]

So... Maybe the brand of the sweater she likes then, as a password.

I do wonder why she asked you to find this for her... I might be cynical but I kinda feel it like a bait, exactly for the heart of the conversation we are having right now, like... Maybe a way for her to rub it in your face that you don't know her, which set her as a victim.

"How about this password?" "I won't remember that, this means nothing to me, I knew you didn't care and didn't know anything about me..."

I mean... A password can be as simple as a word, or an old address. My mother used the word "Never" for a very long time. Why does it have to be a personal thing?

I see how it brought up the realization for you that you didn't know much about her. Part of me can't help but wonder if that's what she was going for?

[Notwendy]

I think this is a "do something for me" thing. She likes to have other people do things for her for the sake of the "doing". It's how she feels cared for. Even if it is things she can do for herself. And the more it puts you out, the more she feels cared for.

She has difficulty with stairs. When she was in her house, we got to the top of the stairs when she asked me to go get her some water from the kitchen. Now, that is entirely a reasonable request. Of course I would do it for her. I don't want her to have to go down all the stairs and up again. However, I did wonder if she waited until we got to the top of the stairs to ask me rather than grab it from the kitchen and carry it while we went together.

How well ( or not well) she knows me is not something she thinks about. She sees me as useful to her. That's her main focus. If she's nice to me, it's because she wants me to do something for her. I do what I am willing to do. That's the extent of the relationship to her.

As to the sweater, this is something I will remember next time she has a birthday. She will not recall that I admired her sweater, it's just not how she sees things. When I visit, she gives me a list of tasks, and I do things for her. That's the extent of our relationship.

[Mommydoc]

I agree with Riv3rWOlf, and have some skepticism about the request. Who asks someone else to pick a password, it seems like the ultimate in passivity, to not come up with your own password.

NotWendy, you have good insight into your mother, and I trust your perspective that it is “ do something for me” to “show me you care about me”.  I wonder if there is a middle ground, where she actually contributes some ideas on the password.  I feel like anything you come up with might get shot down, so engaging her in the process takes the monkey off your back and in a way might be setting a boundary?

[Notwendy]

Thanks all- problem solved at the moment with another thing she does- ask you to do something, then changes her mind. Now she wants to keep her old password