Is it me or him?

[Broken24601]

Hi,

I don't know if my spouse has a little bit of BDP/Narcissism/High Conflict Personality all in one.  I've started reading the book walking on eggshells, and I can identify with a lot of what I've read.  I can also see how my mom also might have some combination of the same issues.  But it's so hard for me to tell if it's me or them. 

So, we have been married for almost 20 years and have 2 kids. I have a very hard time with boundaries because my mom has none, and wants me to have none with her as well, and so it was easy to marry him - he always wanted everything his way, and i was used to that.  After being with him for 20 years, I am so broken, I needed to join an IOP program to learn DBT skills.  It was there that a therapist suggested that I read walking on eggshells because she though my husband and mom sounded like they were borderline.  While reading, I keep thinking this is all my fault. 

Today I found out that he has been telling my kids (who are 12 and 14 year old boys) bad things about me and my family for years.  I know he has always hated my family - he has tried to get me to choose between them and him for practically our entire marriage.  I'm so isolated at this point, I don't even have any friends...and my mom wants me to make the same choice, and has blamed me for ruining the family.

 I always thought he would poison my kids against me, and I guess I was right.  I feel like such a failure.  He makes me feel so stupid, and incapable of doing anything right.  I don't even know if he likes me.  But then sometimes he acts like he might like me, and he says nice things, and he gives me glimpses of a happy marriage.  And so I stay.  I just never know who I will be coming home to - or who will walk in the door at the end of the day.  Or what I might say next that will set him off and turn the evening or weekend or even the week into a situation where he refuses to talk to me at all, even though I am in the house, but talks to the kids normally.  I guess i just needed someone to help me feel like this whole thing isn't my fault.  Maybe he treats me like this because I deserve it - and that my family really are garbage, and by default, I am too. 

thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blurr]

Hi, I'm new here and as such don't have a ton of advice to give you. I will say people here have been incredibly helpful over the last month+ since I first heard about BPD from my therapist and found this site. My relationship with my wife had me questioning if I was really as bad as she often claims I am. Many of her claims about how awful I am didn't make sense to me, but some were things I know I am guilty of, so I questioned if she was right about the other things, too. I am glad you are in therapy, it seems to be key in navigating these relationships and staying grounded in reality. I'm slowly regaining some lost mental health. You, like me, are probably not perfect but the fact that you are here, and looking for answers, is plenty of proof that you aren't "the problem".